I wanted to add to the sister comment. I also realize that I notice all of this above, I do not judge it. But most importantly I also do not feel that it is my job to fix it. For all of these years I thought that I had to have the parent role to give advice and to direct and fix. Of course that was difficult when I too was struggling and my parents were torturing not just her also me. So many of our behaviors of course are a result of ourr life with our mother, everything we are is a result of that. Now I realize that my sister is her own human being she is an adult, she will find her way just like I have found mine. I am not capable of fixing others and myself, in fact it is impossible to fix others. You can guide them and you can give them advice. Taking this burden off will slowly allow me to release a great deal of guilt and BURDEN.  Burden placed on my own self. I noticed when we were in California and after I spoke to you, that it was healthy for both of us to have some distance, not just for me for her too. We are often not our best selves when we are extremely overly involved with the people that we are very close to —that have shared a great deal of distress with us. In addition, like you said there is a history of severe distress in many of our most recent interactions. I now know that I am a great supporter to her, but I am not her end all be all. She is strong and she is also able on her own

• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

this is of particular interest to me as well: becoming someone’s therapist (when not a professional therapist with a client) is a futile effort to resolve one own distress by proxy, perhaps. It never works not for “the therapist” and not for “the client”. And the efforts are driven by distress, not by calm.

I realize that my previous efforts in life to be attracted to speaking about distress with others, in my own life and in others was of course fiueled by distress itself. I am not calling myself a philanthropist for seeking out helping others. In fact, I felt the need to do so because my entire world revolved around problems. If my friend came to me with a problem, I felt often paralyzed by it, absorbing the energy, feeling a very huge need to be involved. I no longer do this as I have  A better understanding of what distresses combined with boundaries are. I understand the simple concept that when someone is sharing something with me, they are just sharing. They are not expecting me to stop my life and ponder over this again and again. I realize the root of this inability before. When It came to my mother explaining an issue about her life, it wasn’t her sharing it was her giving me the burden. Saying here take it and fix it. I am a victim I must be saved. Similarly with my sister, when she did not have my parents to support her in an appropriate way, I then took on the burden. I was unable to stop this when it came to other people. An example would be that if my friend said she was having some issues with her husband, I would think about this all day. I will check in with her multiple times, and I would feel like my entire day revolved around this as well – no matter what was going on in my own life.  It wasn’t because she asked me to, that was just my baseline way. I am getting better at compartmentalizing and not allowing myself to be some so absorbed and drained. Knowing my limits and what are true healthy limits. I do know that given that I am newly on this healing path there will be some blips in the road, and I am actively avoiding those that will be emotionally draining that’s for sure! To the best I can

So back to your comment, I took on this role of “therapist“ without being told to do so because I was acting out of distress. Like attracts like. My distress attracted the distress of others. In fact I have one friend in my life, who I am no longer continuing to be in contact with because I realize now, in my new state of mind, that my entire relationship with her was based on distress. I would explain my distress to her and she would explain hers to me, it would be in different phases of life, sometime she was struggling, sometimes I was. Looking back the whole relationship was based on this dysfunction. I never truly liked her as a person surprisingly. She is not a good person! Yet I kept in touch with her over many years! How funny it is for me to say that out loud, me an individual who I think has a pretty good head on my shoulders Was friends with someone for so long, it doesn’t matter in what capacity, with an individual that I honestly didn’t like. What a concept. This of course goes back to my mother. I never realized, such as now, that I have a choice. I can choose who I want in my life. I can choose to have boundaries. I can choose to shut some people out not because I’m selfish but because their interaction is no longer serving me and not serving them either. I have learned this concept from you, as one of the first things that you have said to me before the second part of our conversations in the last few months is that you will continue to speak to me as long as it serves you in a positive way. I truly admire you saying that because I see that as something that was very self protective. To me, You are an incredible person that loves to share your wisdom, learning, and journey, but you are also very aware of your own limitations and also your own boundaries. To be aware of one’s own limitations and boundaries creates a whole new level of self-respect and self love.   I used to think that the word limitation- was negative, limitations meant limiting. Limiting – meant not able to do. Nope. Now I see the word limitation as coinciding with boundaries = knowing when to stop, knowing when enough is enough, knowing when there is no more need to give more. Knowing yourself

• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Dear Anita, You too are amazing and brave. Carry that with you on this wonderful Sunday. I shall too. More reflection soon!

Dear Anita,

I hope you are having a good week so far.  Mine has been pretty normal.  I noticed a few things in the last few days

– it is hard to get truly excited about something, almost like my body no longer knows what that feels like.  it’s kind of like if you want to get excited about X thing (however big or small) you start noticing the beginning of what could be excitement or joy – but it stops…it doesn’t progress to that feeling

-going along with that, I notice that the above feelings of joy and excitement (from what I remember) are uplifting feels.  Given that it is hard to feel those, I think my baseline is overall more down.  Not sad – just a much lower wavelength.  And it is hard to rise above this baseline.  I don’t try to deliberately, but I do notice that I do not get excited about things in a true sense where I feel it and it sinks in (its more like grazing over the surface)

-sometimes when you feel the above, it is hard for things to feel real.  a generic example is a person saying “oh I am so excited for my upcoming vacation.” assuming that person does feel true joy, excitement, and anticipation – and subsequently ideally enjoys their time.

in my sense, I may say I am excited about the “upcoming vacation” but I don’t truly feel that in my heart.  It’s not that I feel un-excited – it’s more just kinda nothing or baseline.  Thus, if then someone asks “so are you excited?” in that situation I would feel like oh for what? – oh vacation..yes I am.  Almost like it is not real… (just an example)

I attribute a lot of this to so many amazing milestones over my past 2 years being stomped on by my mother, so the body and heart no longer seek joy and excitment or go to that upward wavelength.  it is perhaps protective.

also- sheer exhaustion keeps individuals from experiencing such emotions too…

what are your thoughts?

Hello Anita,

Wow how profund.  I think you hit the nail on the head.  In fact, in some ways I “appreciate” not feeling excited – as it feels good to be “mellow and calm.” More of a steadier baseline than an erratic rollercoaster. yet with that comes a limitation of “feel good.”

Seeing what you wrote above it makes perfect sense.  You’re right my mother caused immense over activation, to the point of burnout.  Chronic levels of high excitement, or anxiety, are A) not healthy or sustainable and B) highly unpleasant for so long that it leads to the opposite of low feeling and depression-like state over time.

As a result, I am shielding from over excitement, as it is feels unpleasant.  it does (no matter what the culprit, whether it is positive and a normal thing that would ideally lead to joy – or negative leading to anger activation).

In a way it feels good to be at a low baseline instead of up and down.  There is still a tremendous amount of healing that needs to be doneof course too.  Slowly I am purging myself of many emotions associated with all of the trauma. As that continues there will be more space for new memories and things like joy…