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  • #197089
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am fine, thank you. My latest, deeper understanding lessons are in my today’s posts, learning every day. If you click my name, you will read my most recent posts. So many of them. Reading my latest learning, most recent thoughts are all under your very fingertips, any day.

    Glad you are persevering. Very glad you have been persisting for so long that it “becomes more natural”.

    anita

    #197365
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I was wondering, are you still not in contact with your mother, father and what are your thoughts and plans in this regard?

    anita

    #197369
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita, no I am not in contact with them and do not plan becoming in contact with them. They do not have this number and they have stopped harassing my husband with block numbers. I don’t expect this lack of harassment to continue of course, they will regain their harassment techniques soon I’m sure. But regardless my decision was made that night. Not once have I regretted it, not once have I felt sad about it, not once have I felt like it was the wrong decision, and not once have I felt soft and thought perhaps maybe I should feel bad for them. What I have felt over the last month or so is that life is extremely hard at baseline, relationships, work especially the line of work that my husband and I do, normal life milestones such as having a child, moving, financials, health issues, whatever else, are all difficult. This is not to say that they are insurmountable it is that there are many things in life that require our attention. I no longer have tolerance for anyone or anything in my life that makes it unnecessarily more difficult.   I know I will come across people on a daily basis will do that. I deal with that we all deal with that. However, I will not tolerate a poison or parasite that sucks me dry so I have no more energy to live. I will not tolerate someone who does not let me ever rest in peace.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #197373
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am so very pleased. Very much so.

    anita

    #197375
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, I am pleased to and what’s funny is that all that matters, for the first time in my life I think I am pleased and I am OK, nothing else matters. So much of this confidence and strength has been accumulating over the past two years of course it is not instant, however the most acute part of that has been over the last few months and especially our talks on a daily basis while I was away on vacation, they were almost didactic, you reference this part as being the training and NOW this is the real work.  thank you for helping me through excellent training , I thank myself for being an excellent student learning all of this and also being very open-minded, receptive, and intuitive

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #197387
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    It wasn’t instant, of course. You are an excellent student indeed, absolutely. The best. You are and have been very open minded, receptive, intuitive, wise, training and doing the real work. In doing so, you are  benefiting yourself and that does please me so.

    Keep learning and training. This part never ends as there is always more to learn, based on what you already learned.

    And you are welcome. Looking forward to read from you anytime.

    anita

    #197689
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Happy Friday.  It has been a very trying week on my end.  Not in regards to my parents, more in regards to my job in patient care.  Regardless, I was reminded, as above, how difficult just the baseline of life can be, to choose right instead of left.  To choose to be calm instead of angry, to eat well instead of indulge, to go to the gym versus the couch.  We are faced with a myriad of small decisions every day in so many moments, and the accumulation of whether they are right or left, positive or not as positive, does accumulate over time.

    I have thought about how it is frustrating at times to feel like this, and how it can be isolating. My husband and I understand one another, similar job stress, as well as personal stress from parents issue.  However, the world could never imagine! I remind myself that is okay: I go back to my previous quote:

    sometimes individuals feel the need to be heard loud and clear, when they do not hear their own self loud and clear.

    I find I dealt with this over the week.  I found myself feeling frustrated when an individual didn’t “get me” and I see now it is not her job to get me, and also an unreasonable expectation on my end.

    Perhaps I was not tuning in enough and listening to what I was dealing with.

    I am dealing with some burnout on many levels, and I do look forward to some down time this weekend to recharge.  It has helped tremendously that I no longer put a large social burden on myself.  This allows more time for self preservation.  However, sometimes no matter how much space you create in your life, it can be difficult to recharge and wind down.  It as these times where it is important to tune in before burn out reaches a severe state.  I hope to tune in today.

    #197697
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I hope too that you hear yourself loud and clear every day, and that you indeed recharge and wind down this weekend. Keep unnecessary stressors away, keep doing (and not doing) what has been effective so far. keep building the effective habits, not expecting perfect performance at anything, but keep at what works, the more persistent, the sooner the newer ways become habits and then, the easier it will get.

    Thank you for the good Friday wishes. Same to you. Looking forward to read from you again and again.

    anita

    #198027
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    It  has been about a month since I last spoke to my parents, and I had a feeling that around this time I would write to you/feel the following.

    Like you said, as time goes on, and I become social, there will be certain people who don’t understand the decision I made, and make it a point to insert their opinion.  This happened on Saturday, we were at brunch with old friends of mine (married couple).  Towards the end of the hangout, my friend made it a point that when we have kids, we are going to want my parents around.  That it may not seem like it now, but I will, and that my parents will perhaps change and compromise.

    I did handle this quite well, I was firm, yet open in the way I was speaking.  However, the point of the story is that it left me feeling uneasy.  For the rest of the day I felt, best word, unsettled.  Now, this was not unsettled about my parents, or anything about them – nope.  It was that familiar, uneasy, unsettled anxiety feeling.  The feeling of being anxious about everything and nothing at the same time – just a general state of distress.

    Interestingly, I had not felt this exact feeling in over a month.  This makes sense to me, the events after I made that decision were quite severe.  I took it all in, took a hiatus to speaking to many individuals, and had acceptance of the decision.  Yet, real life did not change, my baseline anxiety in life did not all of a sudden disappear, normal life stressors did not all of a sudden improve.  Of course.  And so here I am back to a feeling of baseline anxiety.  I am not mad or surprised.  I by no means was foolish in the sense of , if I delete my parents from my life, all of my problems will be gone.  Nope, on the contrary, as you say I found that it was just the beginning of the “real work.”

    I will say though, this anxiety after the conversation with my friend feels like a waste.  It is useless.  Well I guess isn’t most anxiety a waste of our precious mental wellness and energy.  I do recognize that, but I do feel suffocated by it.

    I also see how, as I alluded to before, anxiety does not sit in well defined compartmentalized boxes.  So after having a general feeling of uneasiness after an event of conversation, that anxiety will find a way to seep in and saturate other events, or find its home in new places (many of which were anxiety free).  I found this happening today.  As you know we are amidst a very large decision about moving across the country.  In recent times, we have thought long and hard, compared and contrasted, and are undergoing more interviews.  This by nature is a very exhausting and overwhelming process at baseline.  I found that my generalized anxious state did not help today – at all.  Given that I left that brunch with my friend in that state, I found myself feeling an old feeling: feeling the need to justify and explain myself, and have it be validated.

    In the car heading back home, this same feeling then felt applied to the potential move.  I had thoughts such as, so if we move, will people get it, or appreciate what life we are looking for.  The answer is most likely not.  But who cares! Funny how all of a sudden this sort of anxiety is creeping in, but yet even 4 hours prior it wouldn’t have infiltrated a move!

    I saw the pattern, and see it now.  You speak to someone who has trouble relating to you, or seeing life your way.  You find you butt heads on topic A, so you probably will on topic B or C.  This does not mean there is a right or wrong, just differences, that hopefully can be respected.  However, I find that with many people, they live uni-dimensional lives, they haven’t really lived outside their comfort zone (mentally or physically) and they are going on in their merry (many times average) way.  Which is fine! I have never chosen to live like that, and especially given the mental struggles I have had to face, my life has been nothing close to mundane.

    I find that as I get older it is harder and harder to relate to such friends, although many of them are wonderful at heart.  My friend from brunch fits this category.  I see now that I am not foolish for feeling anxious post brunch.  Even when we were talking about moving to the other coast, she didn’t seem to understand, and made points about how staying close to family is most important.

    So now what, don’t talk to people who don’t get me? Well that will sure be a lonely road given that very few people have the emotional curiosity and personal development focus that I (and you, and few others) do.  So I will slowly as time goes on develop confidence in the way I am living now (this new) life, and that will correspond to my actions.

    In a month or so if I find a fabulous opportunity for work and home in another location, I won’t feel the need to explain it to others or have it validated – why – because I know what I have in front of me is great.  Because that is agreed upon by myself, by my radar.  We don’t always have this opportunity, and everything isn’t always so fabulous, so often in the grey zone we question ourselves, and we leave the door open to insecurity, wonder, and anxiety.

    I am proud to be so open minded, learning oriented, and willing to listen.  Yet, I do see how it comes with a cost.  It is saying, I am not sure about where I will be just yet, let me hear what you have to say – versus, I am not sure, and I’ll let you know when I am.  I appreciate the beauty of two way conversation, listening to opinions/advice, and sharing—-however, perhaps at this state in my life, sharing may not be the best idea.

    I found over the last month, the things I cherished was when I had a thought that was new, an epiphany, or a new feeling good or bad, I sat with it, let it sink in, and reflected (or wrote here).  I did this first and foremost.  I see that practice has been disrupted on my end now that I am back to work in overly full force, and interacting with more individuals.  I see how it is easy to lose that deliberate practice of “checking in with me” first when your life is inundated with outwardly people and stimulation.

    Knowing this, I will make it a deliberate practice to savor my thoughts, and cherish them, and perhaps even keep them to myself.  Especially when I am uneasy, it may not be the best practice to share (because with that I have to expect I will get opinions, advice and ideas that I may not want to deal with).

    I guess what I am getting to is this: right now I have a lot going on, a huge change personally given the parents, a huge decision on the horizon in regards to moving/career/putting down roots, and a large change in my approach to the types of people I want to have in my life.  I must allow time for this, not jump right in.  If it means creating more solace in the busy world I am immersing myself in, it will be deliberate, but important.  If over the last month it worked to ask myself if I am okay first, and see what I needed, then this is truly and obviously what I need.  I should not limit that when faced with other circumstances.  It will be more difficult, but I must try.

    I know this is a time of many changes, and anxiety may be inevitable.  I also know that the level of anxiety I have suffered with for a long time, will make this time of change very difficult.  I find I am feeling heavy and stuck.  I know that going back to some of the habits I had prior to “re-immersing” myself will be beneficial.  i have the tools, I just must continue regular practice.

    I am proud to have the courage to speak and heal.

    #198029
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was heading back to bed, and thought perhaps it will be a good idea to list the things that are on my mind.  Call them out, don’t allow them mysterious power.  So here is a stream of consciousness

    1) Where we move, will we know we made the “right” decision?  Will missing what we used to have be so overwhelming that  it will take over enjoying the new place we entered?

    2) we relate to less people as we get older, wiser, and different.  this is obvious to me in my friend circle especially the difference between those individuals who are stagnant, and those that are consistently bettering themselves.  will it be exhausting to be friends with people who aren’t like me? will it continue to cause anxiety or guilt, or the feeling to stoop down to their level of understanding (not to sound narcissistic but often their thoughts have not gone anywhere close to mine).

    or on the contrary, am I doing a great job on focusing on what I have, my husband, dog, busy life – that those friendships will be important, but not have the power to cause me grief or anxiety because I won’t allow them? hmmm

    3) will I ever feel less anxious? the busier I get (as above) the harder it is to keep the positive habits of keeping anxiety low.  so will I choose a lifestyle that will promote this? or will I just put my head down and work work go go, and not allow for this?

    4) this goes back to number 2, I don’t feel so compelled to be that social with friends, and I feel liberated by that.  However at the same time I wonder is this temporary, will I feel the old feelings of needing to be a super friend, or always available, again? I hope it can be tempered

    5) in regards to my sister, I am so close to her, as you know – however, will I begin to as time goes on, not associate her with someone who is also like my mother in many ways (not in the evil pathologic way) but in the sense that she does seem to have a draining effect on me.  This is not even her fault, likely preconditioned, even when she is doing nothing wrong! It will take time I know as she heals and I heal…

    6) if i create space for healthy habits, and a positive routine – will I be able to maintain it? or will I (like an addict) relapse to bad habits, the baseline of not focusing on self care, positive stress reducing activites, and mindful practices.

    I know I am able to live with a good routine, and I also see quite instant benefits of it.  Do I prioritize it enough? Do I feel it is worth it or sustainable.  Deep down inside, do I just think well i won’t keep up with that for long anyway…

    7) will I never know what it is like to feel content and at ease despite what people on the outside think? I do feel that way to a point, but I know there are holes in this as I am building.  I know that because I am such an empathetic and compassionate person, I am overly receptive to others’ energies and that can be quite exhausting.  I don’t want to walk around with an iron shield, but some less holes would be nice!

    8) I visualize the following: my husband and I make a decision about where we will move, after our interviews, and much thought and consideration.  this is within the next month to 6 weeks.  I ponder this, go back and forth.  Wait for that “right feeling” and realize that it may not come.  In life many large moments don’t have that “ah ha” this is the right and perfect thing feeling, it’s that over time the decision comes to reality and you see for yourself.  I allow all of this to  sink in.  And when I discuss with friends, I am excited and exuberant.  They are happy for me.  That’s it.

    I see this happening…I think it will happen.  It won’t be the end of current anxiety, but it will surely help the uneasiness of not knowing the next steps in life.  of course! if anyone didn’t know where they would be living in the next 6 months, and what job, and had a few options in front of them, they would likely be unsettled!

    will i make this process of figuring this all out extremely difficult because the baseline anxiety I have been feeling over the last 2 days.  I sure hope not.  I do want to enjoy this “journey” of exploring and seeing and having patience the decision will come.  I don’t want to hold on so tightly! I want to let it come and flow as it may….let’s see how I can do that?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #198053
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You are amazing, Cali Chica, and I hope you go on and on being and becoming more of this amazing person that you are, exceptional.

    Regarding your first recent post: if I was you, I wouldn’t share with anyone (other than with me and with any other individual who fully supports you already, on whose full support you can rely on) regarding you not having contact with your parents and planning to keep it this way. And if someone asked me about parents, I would refuse to answer or talk about the issue, stating just that, politely but firmly.

    Too many people endure abuse by parents and keep contact and encourage others to keep contact with their parents, feeling guilty to cut contact themselves, they promote that guilt in others. They view their parents the ways they wish they were and view their childhood the ways they wished it was, so you don’t get correct information from them. Not a good idea to share and open a discussion.

    Being back to work in full force means that old habits get stronger. The biological goal of habits is to free yourself to do what needs to be done here and now, at work. It takes, like you wrote, a “deliberate practice of ‘checking with me’ first” and that is difficult and sometimes impossible when “inundated with outwardly people and stimulation”.

    Better than, reduce the stimulation by not sharing, as I suggested above and by being selective as to who you spend your time with, when it is up to you. Also, don’t make decisions when in that state, inundated, when you can make these decisions when calm and able to check with yourself first.

    You wrote: “I am proud to have the courage to speak and heal”. I am proud of you too.

    Regarding your most recent post, my thoughts: I think that as you proceed with the issues regarding the move, if I was in your place, facing this, I will expect the anxiety to continue. I will expect to not feel calm, settled and at ease.

    Maybe it is a bit like this: one is in a wheelchair and can move only by moving the wheels of the chair (would be like operating sensibly when anxious). But if the person in the wheelchair  expects to not be able to stand and walk at any time (expecting to be calm and settled), she will focus on what is not possible (stand and walk/ be without anxiety) and not do what is possible, which is to move that chair and make sensible choices.

    In my experience anxiety long term does lessen and lessen, significantly so, only it takes so very long. My functioning in life has improved a whole lot as well.

    Regarding there being fewer people with whom you can have a meeting of the minds, it is the way it is. The reason is that people are motivated to not feel pain and seeing reality for what it is, initially, involves pain. It involves giving up one’s feel-good delusions about their childhood, their parents, their lives.

    I wrote the above before I read this part: “I ponder this, go back and forth. Wait for that ‘right feeling’ and realize it may not come”- yes, don’t expect that settled, calm feeling (the wheelchair example). Make the best sensible choices you can make and move on without that feeling.

    I wonder if you can fit a relaxing massage into your schedule? Such things as hot baths, relaxing things you can do, are very important. Taking a moment here and there in your busy day to relax, refocus. I wonder if you can print a paper that you can carry with you with words you can read/ meditate on during those breaks, if you have breaks. Words to remind you, words to refocus your intent in your day and life.

    And do  post any time.

    anita

     

     

     

    #198057
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    What a delight to read this first thing in the morning.  In fact, this is just what I needed.

    Yes, it is much better to keep it to myself.  ESPECIALLY, if it involves an individual that I will not be able to have a “meeting of the minds with.” For example the friend from brunch does act like her life is perfect, but has had many negative things happen to her that she chooses to pretend never did.  At times it seems like she speaks as though she has it all figured out.

    This can make me uncomfortable at times when she (and others) do this.  Because I am a constantly growing, evolving human plant, I sometimes may feel “well wait this person seems to be cool, calm, collected ,and content.” So why am I uneasy and looking and diving.  Well – because I am growing, moving upwards and onwards – and she, is not.  She is stagnant, rooted in the soil, not growing, not becoming a strong sequoia, just a plain old little plant in the forest.

    Well that’s not me.

    Now that I know that, let me process that – let me have CONFIDENCE and conviction.  I do not have to dull my shine to stoop down to their level.  If they are a mere green plant with a limb, and I am a strong redwood sequoia, I may not have as much to relate to them after a while -so be it.  I will not hinder my growth to be more “relatable.”

    This is hard, and often an isolating feeling.  however as they say “it’s lonely at the top.” by no means I am at the “top.” by no means am I superior, elite, or better.  however, I am different.  I am going on a journey that most would not even dare think of, so no, I am nothing like them.

    Luckily though, my husband is just like ME.  We strive for excellence and we strive for growth, we don’t settle for stagnation.

    We have each other, no need to stoop down and look elsewhere for validation!

    #198063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    And it is a delight to read your post this morning! I like you being and becoming “a strong redwood sequoia”. I like it very much.

    And the two of you, you and your husband having each other, striving for excellence, for growth, not settling for stagnation, that is excellent. Indeed, “no need to stoop down and look elsewhere for validation!”

    Regarding the friend from brunch who “acts like her life is perfect, but has had many negative things happen to her that she chooses to pretend never did…as though she has it all figured out”- not so, she doesn’t have things figured out. And she is not calm, not for long. You saw her during brunch and she may have been calm then. You didn’t see her later in the day, or that night.

    Reality doesn’t accommodate people denying it and it doesn’t adjust itself so to fit people’s convenient, wishful thinking. And people’s mental health depends on seeing reality for what it is.

    anita

    #198207
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for appreciating my sequoia reference! Our talk this morning really helped me, it snapped me out of the rumination cycle of past hyperfocus on old friends, and zapped me up to present.  In present day, there isn’t time for such excess thinking (if only I could always operate that way!).

    Also, I appreciate your input about the move: ” I will expect to not feel calm, settled and at ease.”

    What a great point about expectation, and how we react to our own emotions based on our preconceived expectations.  At work, I expect to be challenged and find difficulty – thus I am never surprised or caught off guard.  yet in personal life I somehow trick myself into thinking that I “should” be more relaxed even in settings when that would be almost impossible.

    I am capable of tempering my expectations to realistic situations, I just need to do a better job outside the work world, in my personal life.  this goes back to previous posts on the difference between controlling anxiety and mind wandering at work vs. home.  It will be an ongoing practice.

    One thing is for sure, it is very important for me to stick with my intuition and be candid in what I feel from within.  I have never been misguided by such.  When I say this, I mean appropriate intuition, not when I have a false sense of fear due to anxiety. More like, what is this baseline uneasiness teaching me (well like above, cut back cali chica on explaining to others).  Why is this interaction making you uncomfortable (well this person doesn’t appear to have boundaries) etc.

    Not to say I am so uber intuitive and I can figure people out always…but I sure can figure out the effect they have on me and more often than not, the reason why.  And that is valid and important.  I sense something because I feel an energy, and that energy is real and palpable to me. If it is not seen by others, that is okay.  I have faith and confidence in my radar (it sure has been calibrated many times!!).

    I am finding that I am becoming more mature in that I don’t NEED others to enjoy something “with” me for it to be real and enjoyable.  For example’s sake: I can enjoy an ice cream cone in peace without having to text someone immediately about it so they can “share” the experience.  I don’t have to instantly explain a great experience to a friend instantly.  I don’t have to blurt out a positive epiphany at every crossing.  I find this is quite common in today’s world with the hyper-connectivity, and feeling that “if others don’t know about it, it didn’t happen, or it’s not real.” This could be farther from the truth.  In fact, I hope to savor and let things sink in.  Sink and Savor.  I like the sound of that…sink and savor. i’ll keep this in mind

    #198295
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Sink and savor, I like it!

    The alliteration aspect, the S sound in your term reminds me of my Simplicity is sanity, sanity is simplicity from earlier.

    Having to share how good the ice cream cone was, that reminds me of when I was on a hike, seeing the beautiful sights, as I was walking I talked to a person I knew, not that the person was there, the conversation took place in my mind. I told him about what I was seeing, letting him see what I was seeing. It troubled me that I did that, wondering why I was not enjoying what I was seeing and instead felt compelled to report it to someone else, experiencing the hike second hand, or by proxy.

    In our brain there is often someone observing us and when the observer is dominant, the other part of us, the I, is submissive, dormant, not engaged, not in the here-and-now… not sinking and savoring.

    anita

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