Dear Anita,

I like that you mention future children, my husband and I care deeply about family, and whether we are thinking about future children or not – the fact is true, I would never want to pass this down one generation further than it needs to go.  The buck stops here.

It is very true, so many times in life she has accused me of “following her directions.”

–made fun of me for dating around so much (but she gave me stress and pressure for finding the “perfect match”)

–ridiculed when I as above:  following her instructions (to socialize).  My default was always to talk about a problem until I was blue in the face and faced sheer exhaustion (and I’m sure so did the opposite party).  Who did I learn this from?

–ironically, when I was in India last year – I mentioned how their involvement was causing issues in my marriage.  Of course she felt this was extremely inflammatory.  Later however she said this comment:

“well then don’t listen to everything we say. your father and I didn’t listen to everything our parents told us, have some maturity”  HA! truly laughable.  you kick and scream to get you way, and now you say this! I am glad I remembered this, as it reminds me the ridiculousness of it all.  You pin someone down to listen, and then step back and say – be mature and do what you need to do.  Truly insane.

It is such a simple statement: She is your danger, not the world outside.

Absolutely true.  I look back at my life, and I will say I have been fortunate outside of these events to have had always a positive life. (of course unable to truly enjoy it and immerse in it due to all of this).   I think about the most difficult times I faced, and they were all that much worse because of my mindset, because of things such as guilt, anxiety, rumination, and worry.  Once those elements faded from the incidents, the incidents were not large at all.  I know this is true in life in general, but someone that comes from my mother (such as my sister and I) take this to a whole other level given the way we are raised -as you know.

You wrote: I hope you put an end to the rebelling.

Yes, I do too.  I will tell you what has helped me the MOST, is finding solace.  I have changed my phone number and created a place for only myself and my thoughts.  Yes, my husband is a huge support for me, yes I am in contact with my sister.  Yes, I go to work and interact great with colleagues and people in my life.  But what I don’t do is seek out socialization.  This has been incredible Anita.  This one thing has allowed me to preserve energy and peace within.

Instead of texting or getting on the phone with a friend and explaining all this (and then likely hearing all of their comments such as your first post said – that will be quite frustrating)  – what do I do? nothing.  I listen to my thoughts, I write them down here.

Instead of going to work, and also simultaneously worry about getting text messages from people that will distract me.  I don’t.  When I go to work – I just go to work! What a profound concept.

When I take a shower, I just take a shower.  I shower and listen to my thoughts.  When I cook, I look at the food.  I don’t plan the next conversation, and jump everytime my phone rings. (well it doesn’t ring much since a total of 4 people have the number!).

If I had been told this 6 months ago I would say: what happened to me, why did I turn into a hermit?! I do not think this way.  I think of it as such a true form of strength that I can remove myself from all that does not serve me in this moment (post earthquake) for me to find healing, peace, and solace.

I am strong and confident enough to do that, the innate action would be to give in, and talk and socialize and go in exhausting circles.

Nope, I kindly decline that path – what I am doing serves me just fine.

Now, I do know this is not a sustainable way to live forever.  Of course.  But that is not my focus right now.  My focus right now is for the dust to settle.

I also know that I am programmed to think about my job.  My job to be social, to be in touch, to be super friend.  Well I relinquish that job.  I do plan to have good friends throughout my life, and likely less than I started with.

I do plan one day in the future sharing all this, and if so in this hiatus of speaking with others I lose contact with some – so be it, they were reaching their expiration date anyway (people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime – each one different).  I can visualize the types of social interactions I want in the future, and I will preserve that.

I know I have the ability to allow who and what I want into my life.  I do not have to guilt myself into allowing more than I want to take on (as my mother would.)

My mother coerced herself into every thought, every energy.  Between her and my job of being social, I had nothing.  No bank or reserve for me, or my husband.

I look forward to over the next few months, focusing on only one thing: me.  Which will also by nature also help me to focus on my husband.  He sure deserves it after all these years of trauma, we are in great need of nurturing.  No nurturing occurs without dedicated focus and space.  I am glad to have created this space.

I know as I go out into more situations in the future, it will cause me anxiety.  However, I know that the work I am doing now, the REAL work, will prepare me for that.  If I create strong building blocks now, I can stand strong from here forward.

Dear Anita,

Happy Friday.  I hope you had a good week.  I did have a good week.  I noticed myself thinking many new thoughts often which I had tried to force myself to think in the past.

For example, I woke up thinking about how our life on this earth is so short, so if we can spend it with good kind people -what else matters? Why should we ever choose to do other wise?

Something this simple was difficult for me to absorb prior, as my mind was complicated with all else.

I also woke up thinking about how important it is to nurture the good people, relationships, and times you have in life.  Instead of taking them for granted, send your focus there. What you focus on grows – it can be that simple.

The issue is that it becomes quite complicated to send focus somewhere when are minds are boggled with: what is important? How can I just send my focus THERE? Shouldn’t I be sending it everywhere? How can I just focus on THIS.  In my case I often felt guilty exerting my focus on say 1-2 important things (example, my job and husband) – it felt that it can’t be that simple – don’t I have to send focus to more places? (job, mom, sister, friends….then husband..).

Where did that get me? It got me into a place where I was a burnt out ball of stress, jack of all trades master of none – or more importantly – spread out so thin that nothing was nurtured.  

I see that I was my own road block to simple happiness, and of course, keeping the relationship with my mother as my first and foremost priority – and keeping her emotional instability as my main focus – allowed that to grow.  If my focus is on something negative, toxic, and unstable – it will sure grow – into a monster! That gets bigger and bigger.  While I, and my true self – diminish smaller and smaller.

I also see that by focusing on more than what is “important” it does not truly allow those other things to grow in any sort of substantial way.  This goes back to our conversation while I was on vacation, the comment about myself accommodating my sisters ups and downs does not help her, me, or anyone – it leads to nothing productive.  another example is myself focusing on my “job” of being social doesn’t necessarily make myself feel more fulfilled, or the other party.  There is no use, it is all in vain, it is all a facade.

On the contrary, allowing yourself to deliberately take focus and nurturing of what serves you, and the good people in your life – that is quite fruitful and fulfilling.

Dear Anita,

I thought of this the whole weekend: Simplicity is Sanity. Sanity is Simplicity

At first it was comforting, I felt as though: ah yes, simplicity – “what I have been seeking, and finally found”

However, there were moments where it felt odd: can things really be THIS simple?

I realize that when my mind went there, it wasn’t to say that I would exist in this state I am currently inforever (pretty isolated from socializing with all those I normally would have).  I know that may or may not be long term (I shall choose how social I want to be as time comes).

It felt more like, “how can it be just like this. isn’t that too simple?”

“Isn’t it too simple to go to work, do your job, come home, eat dinner, relax and watch TV, and go to sleep.  Then– isn’t it too simple to wake up on a weekend and not have any worries outside of what is going on in your life (normal things such as paying taxes, bills, work)?……so wait that means my mind doesn’t have to be elsewhere? it can just exist on what IS?!”

Because my mind has been so used to having excessive worry, there were a few times it did try to revert back to that old pattern.

We were talking about visiting a friend who just had a baby next weekend, I agreed with my husband’s plan – and then we started talking about the next topic.

After the conversation was over, I noticed my mind at a crossroads – left, not really think about much at all – or something such as hmm what’s on TV right now.  Or right, create a problem/worry/anxiety.  It did veer down the right momentarily…

I began to think…”hmm so should we visit them?  I mean I am going through something colossal right now, should I be making time for them – would they for us if the situation was reversed…”

Then I stopped myself.  I said to myself that is not me, that is my mother voice.  It does NOT have to be that complicated, it is quite simple.  More importantly, it is NOT about the outside person, it is about ME.  If we have free time and we want to visit them, and it will be enjoyable – GREAT.  That’s it..plain and simple.  It doesn’t have to go any further than that.  What my mother would do is – make it about the other person even when it doesn’t have to be.  She would make it a worry or anxiety, immediately – “wait would others do the same for me.”

Well it doesn’t matter! We want to do this, so we will, if we don’t want to – we won’t! No one is forcing us, or creating pressure.

What a concept. It can be that simple.  My mind did veer to the right and go there, but I stopped it.  I am in control of my actions, I am in control of what I want to do….so why make worry? If the situation does arise (which it didn’t) that I feel pressured to do something I don’t want to, I can choose accordingly.  because I CAN.

This is new.  Given that I have always had that “job” I never allowed myself a choice.  Moreover, since my parents have been so pushy about attending things that involve them, there never was a “choice.”

-“you must  come to your cousin’s baby shower, it will look bad if you don’t –she came to all your events before the wedding, if you don’t come –then they may not come to YOUR wedding.”

-the anniversary example. no need to say more!

– “you seem to always have time away from studying for your friends, what about family.”

-“didn’t you relax at home last weekend, well if you have time this weekend why don’t you do…X”

And it goes on.  The combination of this plus the “job” I was given to myself, made it quite difficult to ever choose, allow simplicity to be the baseline, or feel at ease.  that is key.

I know as I become exposed to more of “real life” again this will continue to be something I encounter.  I know as I become more social, attend more events, communicate with more people – it may feel that I am being “pushed” to places I may not want to go (mentally or physically).  When I think about this, this image comes to mind: it is that of a cool, calm, and collected woman.  she is will put together, she smiles, she speaks, but she is controlled.  She doesn’t over-speak, or over-share, or over-laugh.  She simply engages.  She backs off when she deems appropriate, and interacts in a way that does not make her uncomfortable.

I have seen many examples of this in my life, we all have.  I know that I am capable of being that above woman, as I have in many cases.  I also know I am capable of being quite opposite, when I am feeling uneasy!  I now know that I have the tools to interact in such a way, but I may not always given the level of discomfort, anxiety, or what I am sensing around me.  However, I can practice!

I did practice once this weekend and it felt good.  We were speaking to a neighbors (nice couple) about our job hunt, and the girl interjected and began speaking about her job related stress.  The old me might have interjected again to get my point across, but I just let her speak.  I thought to myself (what good is it going to do to try to make her “see” our point, it’s not really important, so just let her speak).  I realize at the end of the conversation that she was extremely anxious and probably just wanted to vent and get some of her thoughts out – so be it! That is fine.  It wasn’t a debate to see who was “better heard,” just a plain old conversation that went off on a tangent.  oh well!

I smiled to myself after and thought – some things are just not worth exerting energy over.  Small one percent battles you don’t have to fight do add up to 100 (if you add 99 more of them throughout your day).

I hope to keep this concept with me.  It is easy with people such as neighbors often, but more difficult with people you are close to.  We tend to want people we are close to, to truly “hear” us.  I see that a lot of that is because we may be struggling to “hear” our own self…so we exert it outwards to have it bounce back.  I know now I hear myself loud and clear.  My goal every morning when I wake up to when I go to sleep is to hear and listen to myself.  I do not need others to do that for me.  In fact, no one else can do that for me – they can support me yes, but only I can hear me. I do feel that this will help me to focus more inwards (vs. outwards) throughout my interactions.  I do hope so.

I know this was a focus of many of my posts in the past.  “How do I focus more inwards, how do I self-trust?” The name of this forum is even self-trust!  I see that it wasn’t that I didn’t have the tools, it’s that they were stuck in a deep dark place with poisonous glue all over them – so they weren’t able to breathe or escape.  Now that there is cleaning going on in place, the tools can utilize themselves once they unstick.  It may be shaky at first given that they haven’t been used in a while; yet, they innately know their way and path – and so they will be directed appropriately in time.

I know this because I see it, because I have practiced it.  When my mind went to the right above (visiting friend’s baby) I stopped it – it would only cause self harm to ruminate on what if scenarios.  When the neighbor interjected, I let her (It would only cause self harm to exert unnecessary energy to have my voice heard).

Like anything in life, practice makes perfect.  I see so many options to practice this throughout my day, that I never saw before.  It can be as simple as just listening to someone, without feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts.  What a new concept.

If we allow ourselves, we can.

Dear Anita,

I , too, read your post quite slowly, and allowed it to sink in.

Thank you for pointing out that these old neuropathways are going to fire daily, and the thing to do is to stop and insert new thoughts and notions related to reality. I am glad to have had some practice in this, and I know it will be a daily effort.

Also, I do agree that when I become more social, there will not be time for this, and so it may be likely for me to slump or “revert” back to the old ways. I can see it now, I am at a baby shower : a friend comes up to me and says – oh haven’t heard from you, we were surprised you haven’t been in touch. I take a deep breath and comment, something calm and collected but reserved. Later in the afternoon, the same person mentions some new occurences in her life, and I feel compelled to over-compensate and explain my “absence.” That is the crossroads. In my visual I am not sure which way I go. But what I would like is the following: I listen intently at my friend sharing. After she is complete I say, well we can find some time to catch up hopefully over the phone, let’s look into it.

I don’t apologize for my “absence,” I don’t overshare in a public setting, and I don’t feel insecure that I haven’t been doing my “job” of being social. I know this will not be easy, but perhaps practice while I am removed from the social setting for the most part, will allow some of those behaviors to settle in. In addition, I notice what patterns allow me to feel good (such as this scenario), and what do not (old patterns). I hope that slowly what “feels good” will stick and continue – if I am deliberate and allow myself to react this way.

Thank you for also reminding me that when I do return to socialization, I should do so perhaps one person at a time, invite, re-evaluate, and so on. I never in my life have allowed myself space for such. I wasn’t allowed such time, I just had to do!

What a concept of being able to have choice. I choose to interact with you today because I WANT to. I choose to decline your invitation because I don’t WANT to. I choose to pick up the phone because I WANT to. I choose to avoid this conversation because I WANT to. This is not selfish, this is self-preserving.

I also am starting to slowly realize that we do not owe others anything. Well let me rephrase, I do not owe outside people an explanation or apology for taking time to myself. It is quite innate in me to feel the need to justify such behavior, because in fact I am justifying it for myself. Like my previous post states, when we feel the need to be heard loud and clear by others, we often are not hearing our OWN selves clearly enough.

I am proud of myself for taking this space. I look forward to holding on to it and cherishing it. I know there will be many bumps ahead. But I have this solace, I have the space, and I can respect it.

Good Morning Anita,

I am back at the same hospital and location that I was the day before I made my decision.  It was the day my father called me in the middle of a work day and thought it was the appropriate time to lecture me for one hour on life insurance, and the fact that most children live close to their parents, and parents forgive them.

Yesterday when I was there in the middle of the day, this occured to me – out of nowhere.  It seemed ludicrous!  Here I was in the middle of an intense emergency case, a patient’s life truly in my hands, no exaggeration.  And just one week ago, in a situation that was not so different, I made time for that nonsense!

How accepting, open-minded, and beaten down I am to think that something like this is worthy of making time for, and sending attention to in the middle of a day like that.  In fact, how beaten down I am to think it is worthy at all – period.

This is not to say this is just about my job, versus other people.  But, in fact, yesterday I did realize that if anyone can say – I truly can not focus on your nonsense right now because someone’s life is in my hands – it would be me!  I never have said this.  I do not believe it is necessary to say this out loud.  But what is important is to know it in my head.

To know the importance of my job, to know that given that, I am ALLOWED, and JUSTIFIED in not diverting my attention and focus elsewhere to things that are not as important, be it that they are inconsequential, frivolous, are plain just not important at that moment.  Some of those things may be something I want to direct attention to later in the day (by choice) – so of those things may be something I want to direct my attention to: never.

I see this now, as a delineation. An example: I am in the middle of an acute situation with a patient.  A friend or someone sends me a text about a boy problem.  This is not nonsensical, just not relevant for me at that moment, so I choose to respond when  I have the time and mental space to do so.

On the other hand, I get a text about something such as: “I walked in and he said that to me, can you believe that.  Gosh he is so annoying.” I read this and realize it is part venting/part gossip on someone’s end.  So I say the latter to myself, this is something I don’t want to direct attention to at all.  Not later, just not at all.  And that is okay!  In this situation I can communicate with this person at a later time about something else, but I do not need to engage in this sort of topic.

This is also new to me Anita. I always felt it was rude to not engage in something the other person brought up, no matter what it was.  I never employed boundaries and the ability to have choice in wanting to exert my attention to a topic (topics such as gossip, negativity, self inflated behavior).  It can be simple, I can simply just not contribute to it!

This may be harder in person, versus text messaging.  Yet, once again, with practice of boundaries in controlled settings, I can get used to what “feels good” and what feels like “reverting back and not good.”