Dear Anita,

Oh goodness, I am having trouble answering this.  He had all the right qualities, and I recall feeling a close connection with him.

I don’t ever remember “falling in love” but Anita, I have never felt this.

Remember when I used to ask you if I too am a narcissist – I lack the full depth of love empathy and emotion. I do.

Not when you see me from the outside, I am not stoic and stone faced, no bubbly and animated – but I have never so vulnerably been in love.  Never.

I don’t feel sad about it – I don’t understand it. If someone explains it to me it sounds like a book or movie, and not comprehendible(if thats a word).

To answer your question, after my parents were in the picture and my stress and negativity grew and grew, I did hit him a few times.  Once because I was so angry that he drank a little too much and I had to take care of him (later on he realized he was feeling so defeated and doomed that he likely didn’t know how much he drank).  I was enraged and full of “hate” and hit him.

Another time I did when we were on vacation in Europe, while his cousin was there.  Long story short, we were having many arguments and he started to say something back to me, such as “stop being a b***” this is years later after that first incident so he had now started to build the anger resentment.  I was so enraged I slapped him and kept hitting him, and his cousin had to break it apart.  She was horrified and said, CC I know you’re upset but should never hit someone.  And of course after that I took a time out and spent the rest of the day alone, and let them go off on their own. (she is kind of like an older sister type to him and we were traveling from London together).  That was true rage coming out.

Dear Anita,

well the reason we broke up is because I “lost feelings” but not in the sense of “oh i don’t like you anymore”

I didn’t feel much at all – kind of like a numbness to be honest (in regards to no passion ,sexual feeling etc) at that time and age at 20 I felt perhaps it was because he was not the right person for me.

But then Anita, after the break up I suffered, oh I suffered so much.  Some of it pathologic in that I was ridden with guilt and regret from the mother voice (surprisingly my mother wasn’t so involved in this and didn’t have much comment) but also I truly truly missed this person.  This best friend, this person I grew up with, this beautiful soul and companion. Oh how I suffered, oh how I felt I made a terrible mistake.  Oh how I felt I would never find something like this again and “feel” like that.

Interesting how after the fact perhaps (looking back) I was heart broken, because I truly loved this person maybe deep down, but maybe not in a way I could understand as I didn’t “feel it”

Dear Anita,

Oh my! perhaps, you are right. Oh I wish I could just press print and this whole Self Trust would print out.  Shall I start a new thread? I will..

Dear Anita,

Do you see this? or my new thread?

I just got this strange feeling that the thread collapsed and the website was gone – and we were never able to communicate again! Oh what a terrible feeling, I felt “gasp” god I really hope that does not happen!