Dear Anita,

what I want to mention to you is this – that although my mother is evil and objectively not good.

the treatment of her family onto us was also not good.  this is objective.  it isn’t just based on her interpretation (which is biased and scewed) it is an objective observation by myself – and anyone else that would know the facts or visualize it.

1) my mother is objectively evil to us, her children

2) her family was objectively evil to us, and my parents

Dear Anita,

Take all the time you need – look forward to talking later this weekend, whenever 🙂

Dear Anita,

That made me smile.

So in the first decade of your life and bit into second…

She did still complain and talk about people being evil, in fact the jealousy talk was so much then – in regards to her family.  Day in and day out.  Here’s the difference, she wasn’t so distraught and “crazy” for lack of a better term.  She was able to be more regulated.  She didn’t shout and cry each and everyday.  She “unraveled” much more in the second decade of my life. For lack of a better term, in medicine, we talk about how there are certain diseases that escalate and get worse with time.  IT is that way (but I know that isn’t exactly the case – she was always one way, we just saw more signs of it later).

In that beginning part I recall her being more kind and motherly.  I recall her cooking meals, and listening to me.

Second decade she became so dysfunctional she stopped cooking entirely.  We would eat meals prepared by this local Indian lady that my father would bring home.  She was his patient and loved cooking for catering companies, so he would often have some of her items.  She would go crazy all the time . Get obsessed with the cleaning lady, then hate her.  Had that affair that we spoke about.  Just overall worse for lack of a better term.

The over there is better was always the case.  That Disney world example – I was perhaps 9 years old or so.

She became OBSESSED with traveling when I was around 20.  Perhaps had something to do with the fact that she didn’t have so much to do – both daughters are pretty grown.  She wasn’t so wrapped up in our activities (we were avidly involved in dance and such). We traveled as a family prior to this ever since I was young —

But the obsession started when I was older.  IT was this – “I had a terrible life and I dedicated to all of YOU -now its my time to enjoy!! i will be a world traveler”

the thing with her is that – we  did have a lot of fun! unlike the classical abusive stories where its all bad – this isnot the case. we went on fun safaris and adventures. truly fun (not just my delusion). but just like when I first started speaking to you – none of that matters — if the reality of her is what it is – you can have a grand old time – but if push comes to shove – you treat your daughters that way…well thats the real stuff!

so yes, the travel became an obsession.  she even made “friends” with a hairdresser once and joined her on a  trip to bermuda when i was 25 or so —so desperate to go on trips with even mere strangers.  needless to say she had no fun on this trip.  When my father went to pick her up – my sister was with him.  he said I just want to warn you – your mother did not have fun on this trip – that lady she went with was very bad to her.  My sister immediately burst into tears, feeling so bad for our poor mother.  Later that day I was home at my parents house visiting, and when I heard this – I immediately burst into tears as well for same rason.  My mother explained that this lady had bad habits like smoking, and kept leaving her for other friends on the trip (that she was unaware of coming) she talked (looking back – as though she was a child being sad about being left out).

i scolded her and said: you can’t go on trips with random strangers and expect to havea  good time.  that’s not a good idea nor safe!

and she cried and cried and said yes dear, you are right – I learned my lesson (in this scenario  Iwas the mother, she the foolish child)

Dear Anita,

Yes, my sister and I had almost very different mothers in our upbringing and childhood. My mother was already distraught and unraveled by the time my sister was a child, so she had projection and negativity from an early age. That compounded with the fact that she was not the golden child I was. So she wasn’t treated like me either. However, unlike myself —my sister knew very early on that my mother was not always right. My mother put her down often and she grew to resent her. I on the other hand I always protected and defended my mother and thought that she could do no harm. Yes as I got older I got to see her personality traits and was frustrated by them often. But I always hold onto the believe that my mother had a bad life and that’s why she was this way.In that sense, my sister had awareness much early on.she saw reality earlier.  It makes sense given that her experience was different. A different mother so to speak.

Yes of course take all the time that you need to enjoy the summer weekend.

Sorry one more thing. Just before I forget.

My husband mentioned that I often deflect with the dog. We could be in the middle of an important conversation, and I’ll start talking to the dog. Not talking to the dog like a crazy person, but I am very close to my dog, in fact I think I feel more love and closeness to my dog that I have ever – for anything in my entire life. Yes I do.

So For examples sake – I will deflect and say to my dog: oh have you eaten yet today? I quickly change my focus to that. Even if my husband and I are in the middle of a conversation. Kind of like a wife deflecting on to her children all of the time and perhaps not focusing on real/good conversation with her husband.