I did enjoy putting them on. But we don’t talk about the cloths so much me and my mom. We talk about how other people are going to be jealous and how most Indian people dress their kids in such bad clothes not like this

Dear Anita,

Good morning.

I remember somewhat.  At that young age – that if i wore those nice clothes (around Indian people family friends or family) I would worry that they would ask about them.  And yes I would have to HIDE information often.  I think I became good at hiding information.  Not necessarily lying but hiding.

Something came to mind this morning.  I was somewhere around 8-12.  We were in Atlantic City, which if you don’t know is a casino community in South jersey – years ago it was dubbed mini Las Vegas.  Anyway, we had a family weekend there due to my father’s work.  Perhaps a conference or something where he was allowed to bring the whole family (these types of things no longer exist).  So we were there, walking around the casino – had just finished a nice dinner.

One of our family member calls, I think an aunt or uncle.  I don’t recall who.  I think it may have been a holiday because I recall talking about Happy something.  Happy birthday to someone or Happy new year. Not sure.

Anyway they gave the phone to me and I remember speaking slowly shyly.

“How are you, I’m good.” “oh ok..yes I am having fun.”

After the phone call was over. My mom said – “why didn’t you tell them how much fun we are having! You should say oh we are standing here, there are so many people here! so good here in Atlantic City.  We had a nice dinner – and so much fun.”

I remember this moment because there are very few flashbacks of CC being just calm and normal.  Her perhaps innate state.  Calmness, being just a kid: not performing or over doing it.

Dear Anita,

Sounds perfect. I am in the right mindset for this – and it appears you are too! Good morning to us. Lets begin

Thank you Anita, I will write what comes to mind, a stream of consciousness – letting it flow naturally. Here goes:

1. Do you remember feeling angry?

• no I do not.

2. When you played with other children in their homes and your mother was alone in her home, did you think from time to time about your mother being alone at home,  lonely and sad or working like a slave?

• no, during those years my mind didn’t go to these dark places at all.  it was only until I was older say 25 and more – when she would call me incessantly and she became “worse” that I would worry during my “normal day.” recall that time I was finishing a medical school exam and my mother and father called me to ask about advice on how to approach “the affair man.” literally my father asking like a puppet – so CC how should we handle it.  I recall that as being one of the beginning times where I felt : wow I finished something really stress ful – but no sense of relif.
• so to answer your question as a child and teenager I NEVER felt this sort of worry about my mom being at home alone.  In fact often during those days my mother was happy I was so social and she was proud of this.

3. When you had friends play with you in your home, did you think from time to time that your mother may get angry later on about working like a slave entertaining your friend/s, and that you shouldn’t be playing with them in your home but instead, in their homes?

• so this is interesting.  when I read this question – I instantly hear the parrot talking: “why don’t you ask to go to their house instead this time?”
• The thing is, some of my memories are also intertwined with my sister’s. For example when I was 13 my sister was 7 or so – so I recall my mother’s approach to HER friend dates – this also is in my memory actually more than my own as I was older.  During this time, my mom was much “worse” much more erratic much more unstable and emotional.  She wasn’t this “bad” when I was that same age of 7 or so.  But as we both know she’s alwys been the same – just different manifestations.
• So as a teenager I didn’t have people over as much – not because my mom wouldn’t like it – but I ended up at friends houses that often had a lot of siblings or family. The full house sort of thing.  It’s like there house was the “go to house” the big gathering place.  And so every weekend I was always out at different friends homes, a very active social life with friends who had huge households – big families – (not like my home at all – my home i think of big and lonely — theres, small and full of life) its like the difference between a small messy home full of crazy messy kids, versus a big mansion home that is pristine with no energy.
• Lastly, I do recall being sad about the pool.  I remember external mother conversations as well as internal ones. “oh gosh we have this big pool my parents worked so hard for us to get.” Isn’t it so sad no one comes over.  I recall being a senior in high school 16-17 and feeling happy when people came over to our pool (instead of me always being out).  It gave me a sense of “oh at least we are using it.” The idea of having a big pool and not using it caused me a lot of guilt.
  • of course from mother voice of – oh look at these big pools and things we have in America, but no people – how sad how isolated life is here…

4. When you were in Atlantic City and an aunt or an uncle called and your mother told you after the call, why didn’t you tell them how much fun you are having etc. , did you feel guilty for disappointing her? Did you say to yourself: next time I will say all these things mom wants me to say?

• yes I recall feeling down.  I recall thinking “oh ya I didn’t do that.” I didn’t say to myself next time I will do this.  Because I wasn’t over active brain CC then.  Current active brain CC would think that immediately –  I wasn’t that way.  It was much more like a little puppy being told, oh don’t do that, and he puts his ear down and is sad – but isn’t able to predict or plan the future in which he will avoid the same scenario.

5. Do you remember feeling angry at your father, grandparents, uncles, aunts, because they have hurt your mom?

• yes, I recall being angry at my father a lot.  How could you do this! I remember even defending my mother once vaguely – saying something like – I know what you did to her!
• I remember feeling quite sad about what my mother’s family did to her, her own brothers and sisters in teh US (so my aunts and uncles).  I don’t remember anger as much as being sad about this when I was young.  I recall my high school boyfriend at the age of 17 or so.  There was one day where I started crying about it all of a sudden.  I had not told him any of this.  I had hid it like my mom told me to.  The thing was, we would spend a lot of time with my cousins during this time I was a teenager, I was very close to my cousin too.  But there was major history! That my aunts and uncles used to taunt her day in and day out, and me – and leave us out – objectively bad to us.  I had left that part out. As mom said don’t tell anyone about that bad stuff: “everyone has issues in their family and no one talks about it, so don’t tell people about it.”
  • so anyway I recall having a breakdown and crying about it and saying something like: ‘oh my poor family – my paretns are such good people and look at how bad they are treated.  Oh gosh what a shame.  I feel so bad for them.” he was surprised and felt sad too – and supported me.
• anger – I didn’t have that until later maybe 27 or so.  Much more recent.  We were at an aunts house for thanksgiving – aunt J.  It was the last time my parents ever talked to that family. they were making some snarky comments about us arriving late under their breath – aunt J and her daughter/my cousin.  We had arrived 20 mins late to family thanksgiving, there were about 30 people there. when they saw us arrive they quickly started putting the food away.  i went into the kitchen to grab a cookie or something and my cousins remarked – oh appetizers were served a while ago, everyone came on time.  I said ok – so you can’t keep even the cookies and things out? she said something snarky like – oh just like you guys to arrive late and demand things….
  • and that was it…i said mother – thats it – I refuse for us to be treated like this.  this is not thanksgiving, lets go.  my mother and father gathered their things (I think sister there too) and we walked towards the door.  aunts and uncles quickly started saying “oh cmon dont be so rash, don’t take this stuff so seriously – where are you going?”
  •  i turned around and looked that cousin and a few others in the eye and said: thanksgiving is for family. you are not family.  you have been treating my mother and our whole family liek garbage since I was born.  enough is enough.  I don’t consider you family, i know strangers that treat us better.
    • and we left.  if that’s not CC “saving and protecting” her mother…well I dunno what is..

6. Do you remember feeling scared of people’s jealousy?

• scared of people’s jealousy…hmmm. i remember feeling scared that say if my mom was going to an event – that she would come home and not have fun because people were jealous of her and treated her poorly.
• now me – personally feeling scared of people’s jealousy.
  • it comes to mind as a teen.  I had this Indian group of friends from surrounding towns, and we were all involved in dance together.  We often would perform Indian dances at local cultural events.  We had a blast doing so.  There was one ring leader of the group – K. That typical mean girl catty teenage girl, who everyone listened to – she definitely had narcissitic qualities.
    • her whole saga was “woe is me” I grew up poor and look how easy other have it.  She was a great dancer and was a leader given that she was so bossy.
    • I was friends with her, but also understood her reality.  My mother would always talk about how K is so “smart” and how shes so bossy.  How shes so good at “controlling” people.  She would always try to defend me in front of K if she was at my house lets say or my mom was picking me up.  saying things like – oh my daughter has been such an amazing dancer since birth.
    • funny thing is K loved me – she thought of me as a sweet doll, a nice kind soul. in that way we were friends.
      • anyway I would be often worried about jealousy from her, and I recall this was perhaps the beginning of “going out of my way” to make sure otehrs are comfortable.  making sure to not overshare my own life as being good or better, in order to make sure she wasn’t jealous.

7. Did you ever try to punish- in any way-  the people who hurt your mom?

• see above thanksgiving story.  wanting to spit in the faces of this evil family that has mistreated us. how dare they! that’s it – we won’t take it any more!

8. Did you ever hit your sister, yell at her?

• hit never, no physical abuse
• yell, all the time.  my mother did a job of triangulating us.  so as a teenager the story was: CC is amazing fun and pretty and lovable to all – sister is quiet, moody and an introvert.  We were both given identities.  This also went along with my mother ‘favoring me more” oh the beautiful butterfly CC type, versus the other daughter.  If my sister had trouble with a freind, I would yell at her for not being friendly and outgoing – because my mom would say things liek : oh look at sister, she came home crying again from school – she always feels alone but doesn’t make friends  – god what can we do.  in a way I was involved in “co-parenting” my sister.
• i recall being annoyed at her often, as I got older – feeling burdened by having to keep her happy.  to make sure she wasn’t lonely (as my mother said) to also involve her in my plans.  That’s why my sister is friendly with so many of my friends.
• I recall yelling at her also about making my mom annoyed, if my mom would vent to me – oh she’ doing this or she never has friends to hang with, I recall being irritated at her and telling her: speak up and make some friends, you can’t just do nothing and then cry you have no friends. – you need to take action.

9. When on vacations with you parents, did you make sure to tell people how much fun you were all having, made sure to tell people how wonderful it was?

• we went on many vacations with my parents, traveled the world.  i recall as a teenager we had loads of fun my sister and I.  when we got back my mom made it a huge point to tell people how much fun we had.
• during this time as a kid and teenager i DID have fun and enjoy it – so it wasn’t a lie.
• as I got older 20s – is when we saw the toxicity of how horrific my parents acted.  my sister and I would have fun and enjoy in our own way – make little adventures and take in the sites.  my mother would be acting like a “travel nazi” waking up really early and yelling that we weren’t making the most of things. pushing us.  if we weren’t in the front of a picture telling us we weren’t grateful.  all the stuff you would expect.
  • even during this time, I only recalled the good! this is before my awareness.  I made sure to tell people how much fun I was having, and I was blind to the toxicity and bad!

Was it wonderful for you?

• see above.  It was —and then as I got older it started changing
• on a trip to Peru when I was in residency ( a crazy time) we saw my mothers full display.  we were in Peru and about to embark to Macchu Picchu which of course is at a high elevation. she started getting extreme panic aboutthis, reading about all of the high altitude sickness etc.  but unlike a normal person who would express that shes worried – she started lashing out.
• “oh stupid travel agent didnt give us enough time in our itinerary to ascend to that altitude.  how stupid! it will be unsafe – don’t you know how many people get sick doing that…god – becoming enraged!!”
• so long story short – she became intolerable, acting out going crazy, putting my sister and i down – calling my father and saying: these girls are harassing me – I’m just so scared about going up the mountain and they are treating their mother like garbage.  needless to say my parents always get travelers insurance in case of any changes.
  • my mother had the brilliant idea to fake my sisters illness so we could use our travelers insurance (you are able to cancel or truncate your trip and get all money back if you have proof of illness etc). so quickly i was on the internet finding a local doctor in peru – we found one that would do a house visit.  nice sweet lady doctor.
    • funny thing is all I can remember is my mother talking about how nice and amazing this lady is! isnt it crazy how I almost forget the ridiculousness of this made up scenario – but have this nice memory of this doctor.  thats just what my mother did – overshadowed her insanity and her insane demands – and focused on oh wow look how lucky we are we found this nice lady doctor to help us! look!
      • we went home the next day back to NYC.  it was the FIRST TIME i felt truly emotionally spent and attended to it – i hiberanted for 5 days straight after, relaxing and watching tV – not communicating with anyone.  my mother told us “don’t tell anyone what happened, when they ask about Macchu Pichu tell them how amazing it was.”
        • well I was so spent that I spent the next 5 days I was suppposed to be away – acting like I was away.  I didn’t tell anyone except my bf (my now husband!) that I was home early – he was away on his own trip so I didn’t get into all the details. I used this time in “hiding” – not communicating with anyone, back in my own NYC apartment (I lived there in my 20s for residency) and binge watching TV.  A respite.  I was horrified and spent and simply just needed to SHUT OFF.

10. How did you make Indian family members and friends not jealous of your expensive clothes/ How did you hide what may make them jealous?

• i would down play things.  I have nice diamond earrings from a graduation prsent in high school from my parents.  when my best friend (at the time, Indian girl I grew up with ) her older sister asked how much they were,  I said Oh I don’t know – and played dumb.  When she asked where they were from, I said oh I am not sure it was a present. In reality I was with my parents at a jewelery store where my mother bought many things, and I had picked out these my own self.  I knew all the answers – but didn’t want to say so – to let her know they were pricey.  (especially for a 17 year old to have).  I downplayed it to avoid any potential jealousy

11. When you were nice to family members who hurt your mother so much, did you feel angry at them at the same time you acted nice?

• yes often.  i remember being fake nice to aunts and uncles.  and then secretly inside being angry and annoyed.  i would always harbor that “true” feeling of resentment towards them.  “these stupid evil people.” I would be fake nice because for many years we played nice with family, attending events, having family get togethers etc.  every once in a while there would be huge melt downs – but often everyone played nice and enjoyed these times.  (one example of a meltdown above thanksgiving)

12. Were you nice to people so that they will want to be friends with your mother, so to bring People to her?

• yes.  sometimes at her wish.  i remember she pushed me to be friends with this girl – the daughter of this doctor couple my parents had gone to a conference with.  my mom pushed me to be friendly with her so that we could be invited to their house.  i recall her being on the phone with her mom once talking about something, and then my mom making eyes at me – to take the phone.  she hands the phone to me and whispers (talk to the girl – say oh we should get to gether this and that) – so I awkwardly say hello etc to this other teenage girl.  And the girl is snobby and unresponsive.  This was a time when I had more awareness.  I said to my mom: you can’t force things like that. This girl is weird and snobby, I don’t want to  be friends with her.  We can’t change her – that doesn’t work.
• otherwise, to be honest I was always nice and likable and attracted friends.  Often the parents of the friends, Indian friends, would talk with my mother at pick up or drop off.  one of my friends (the best friend the Indian one I mentioned earlier) she lived in a town next to mine.  Her parents would often invite my parents over for dinner if it coincided when I was over.  They were nice and caring and somewhat friends with my parents too.  I wasn’t friends with this girl for this reason – it was that it just happened to also be good for my mom in some ways.  (I attracted a nice friend with a good family)

13. Were you nice to people so that they will be nice in return and not hurt your mother anymore?

• GREAT question wow.  What a new one.
• so similar to what I said above, being fake nice to aunts and uncles.  I recall becoming a smart adolescent – away from the years of shy withdrawn young CC.  Now I was smart and capable.  Maybe not super just yet – but sure of myself for sure! I remember “handling” adult conversations with aunts and uncles. even taunting them back…to defend my parents – to squash their rude or hurtfulness.
• exact dialogue I can’remember but heere’s a scenario:
  • my aunt and uncle (mother side, mothers sister) -we were all at someone’s house.  they say something like “oh well its easy for them (my parents) they have this big house and all this money what do they know? ha
    • so I interject – well it i a lot of hard work to be a doctor, I am studying day in and day out – and so did my father.  It’s easy to talk – and make comments, but very few want to do the hard work it takes.  Maybe if they did – they would have big houses too.
      • snide and snarky…I would say it that way.  this didn’t happen a lot, but it would happen.  and usually “kids don’t talk back to adults.” I didn’t have that boundary with these evil family members (or really anyone I guess)

14. When you forgot your homework, did you promise yourself to never forget homework again?

— no, these thoughts didn’t occur in young CC mind at that time. not at all.

15. When you played in the pool and your mother said you looked foolish, being too developed or old to play in the pool, did you feel embarrassed?

–no, these thoughts did not occur in growing CC mind.  It is strange – it was like I was in my own world, not feeling shame or bad or guilt.  That was back then.

16. After that pool experience, did you play in the pool again the same way, or did you stop or change what you wore at the pool, or the way you spent time there?

–played the same way – never hyper-aware or self-conscious, as above – young CC – she didn’t over think or analyze or become self conscious about such things.

17. When the school day was over, did you look forward to being back at home?

–yes, I did not dread coming home.  When I was young coming home wasn’t a catastrophe in my head.  I would come home eat a snack and maybe take a small nap.  Then either go play with a friend or my sister, or go to an activity like ballet class.  and we would eat dinner when my dad got home. I recall zero dread.

18. Did you feel angry at your mother sometimes?

–so I recall only starting this feeling as I got older, after late teens, really after 20 or so – and even then it would be frustration or annoyance.  The true anger started when I told you those more recent stories say at the age 28 or so.  That one incident at that mexican restaraunt for their anniversary.  my mother had forced and guilt tripped my (now husband) and I to go – after we had just visited them a few days prior over the weekend.  i started projecting out at my husband when he kindly said: well do we hve to go all the way to NJ on a weekday to that dinner we just saw them 2 days ago on Sunday.  I snapped at him.  My mother on the other line talking about how these are the moments that are important blah blah..anyway you’ve heardthis story. after the dinner ended I had a meltdown and lashed out in anger at my parents.  this was the beginning – I did not have awareness of what I was lashing out at – but i had no REMORSE. true anger and frustration spewing out at me.  my sister and now husband were mortified.  they looked at me and thought, why was so being so ridiculously rude and offensive to parents.  my parents went to their car in tears, head down, saddened – god what did we do in this life to deserve treatment like this from a daughter.  true anger had come out then – not long ago – few years ago.

19. Was hot pink your favorite color? Was teal your mother’s favorite color?

hot pink was my favorite color.  my mother’s favorite colors were bright colors. she said how American people love boring dull colors.  not us! we loved happy and bright colors!

20. Were you angry at yourself sometimes?

okay so CC as a kid/teen.  kid no.

teen – no

early 20s – yes –after that break up with that first boyfriend I was sad and angry daily.  I recall turning 21 and feeling so angry and having so much self hate that I let this guy go (that is a whole other story that) this was the beginning of : self hate, self condescension, putting my self down, and massive guilt.  I dealt with that for years and years.  Mourning this break up and hating mysel ffor it – convinced I had ruined my life and would never find someone good like that.