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Cali Chica.
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June 11, 2019 at 4:13 am #298399
Cali ChicaParticipantplease disregard above, the formatting was off as I wrote it on my phone. here it is again, unedited (minus format)
Anita
I’m doing such hard work this morning. How do I know it’s hard work. Because I am thinking and shifting. I am talking to my brain. I am not letting the stupid parrot on my shoulder dictate all my thoughts this morning. I am not letting the parrot bobble My head back and forth left and right without reason. What a waste of movement. Left and right no wonder my neck hurts. No wonder!
A thought is going in. S is engaged and on cloud 9. She’s happy. She feels joy. I was robbed oh this joy. All of these previous moments we’re robbed of joy for me because stupid parrot kept pecking. Pecking and pecking until I bled. Peck peck peck away. Peck at my golden daughter. Peck at her o want more more more stupid parrot said. As it became engorged and fatter and more threatening. And as I withered away. Shoulders stooped over, head hanging low.
Are you happy parrot. Are you happy. Did you get what you wanted. You pecked and packed and pecked.
And all for what. All for NOTHING!!!
Why do we torture our daughters. When we are unhappy why do we torture these sweet souls. They are just trying to keep their head above water. Swim swim. They can’t. Pecking away at them. Drowning them.
How can I feel joy or much of anything. Perhaps I was drowned or pecked awayWhen I write this I feel this in the back of my head. I feel it in my jaw. Every day I feel this. And when I write this I feel.more. I am glad to feel this more – I am glad to feel something
Your evil is stored in my body. I will slowly release it. I don’t deserve it. I didn’t ask for it. Slowly I will release it. And all of the pecks.
One day I will be free. I will be whole.
Tears on the subway. I embrace them. I smile now – I am human after all.
June 11, 2019 at 5:00 am #298405Cali ChicaParticipantI thought about young Cali Chica,
She brought her mother a flower. mother said: oh I used to have these in INdia all the time – these flowers. oh they arent common in America are they.
She grew up:
She brought her mother her new shiny engagement ring, thinking oh yay, my mother will be so happy and proud! finally I got to the goal she wanted me to, a nice boy, and a nice engagement…
mother replies: oh I too am going to get a new diamond ring…she doesn’t even look at Cali Chicas…
Cali Chica then tries to say, oh you know my fiance designed this and did this – shows the small details…her mother: not a glance, not a care.
So here’s the thing…Cali Chica has been showing her mother things to make her happy from a young age. Look mother, look what I did for you, I got you a flower. Look mother, I brought you this friend. Look mother, I brought you this amazing family that you can be involved in (as youve always wanted a family of your own). Look mother.
She didn’t look. She spit at it, she berated it – she stomped all over it.
It was all in vain.
June 11, 2019 at 7:54 am #298433
AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
First I retype parts of your recent three posts (so well articulated!):
“I am sad that I did not enjoy my wedding… I was robbed of something very simple, joy… I feel sad that so many people do not criticize themselves day in and day out… It is sad that no matter where I go or what I do or who I am with I will be unhappy… look how much I do and still no joy… despite all that I have there is no joy”
“Peck at my golden daughter…As I withered away. Shoulders stooped over, head hanging low.. You pecked and packed and pecked. And all for what. All for NOTHING!!!… why do we torture these sweet souls. They are just trying to keep their head above water. Swim swim. They cant. Pecking away at them. Drowning them… Perhaps I was drowned or pecked away… One day I will be free. I will be whole. Tears on the subway. I embrace them. I smile now- I am human after all”.
“young Cali Chica, she brought her mother a flower. Mother said: oh I used to have these in India… She grew up: She grew up: she brought her mother her new shiny engagement ring, thinking oh yay, my mother will be so happy and proud! … mother replies: oh I too am going to get a new diamond ring… she doesn’t even look at Cali Chica’s.. not a glance, not a care… Look mother, I brought you this friend. Look mother, I brought you this amazing family that you can be involved in (as you’ve always wanted a family of your own). Look mother. She didn’t look. She spit at it, she berated it- she stomped all over it. It was all in vain”.
Second, my input:
1. When people watch you, a young, pretty, vibrant woman interacting with friends in a restaurant or that picnic you had in Central Park, when you do exerience some joy, they probably think that you are one of those people who experience joy a lot of the time, that you are a happy person. Just like when you watch others who look happy, you think that they are, a lot of the time. I remember well, how I took advantage of certain opportunities and felt intense joy just to make up for the … eternity of misery. If you watched me at those times, you’d think I was a happy person.
2. When Cali Chica brought her mother a flower and friends.. and a family, she was trying to get her mother’s permission to be happy. Young Cali Chica can’t be happy until she makes her mother happy, until her mother smiles at her and tells her: I like this flower because you chose it for me, because you love me. I am happy to know that you love me, that you care to make me happy. Thank you for this beautiful flower, thank you for being a good, loving little girl.
I am so happy that you are my daughter!
Now go enjoy those flowers over there, and there, go smell them and watch the butterflies, aren’t they beautiful?
For young Cali Chica, her mother is not just some other person. She is everything. She is life itself. Young CC never got her mother’s permission to be happy. Fast forward, Cali Chica still doesn’t have that permission. She understands she can’t get it, that it was all in vain, but she doesn’t know how to be happy without that permission.
She needs to see that young girl as the good, loving girl that she was, take that flower from her hands and tell her: you are a good, loving little girl. It is okay for a good, loving little girl to be happy. You have my permission. Go enjoy those other flowers over there.
You need this permission so to make a bigger and bigger space in between the … contributions of that pecking voice, a space of peace, of knowing you were all along that good, loving girl. This space will increase over time and the pecking voices will be moved to the side, become marginal, less loud, less frequent.
anita
June 11, 2019 at 8:14 am #298445Cali ChicaParticipantYoung CC never got her mother’s permission to be happy. Fast forward, Cali Chica still doesn’t have that permission.
She understands she can’t get it, that it was all in vain, but she doesn’t know how to be happy without that permission.
She needs to see that young girl as the good, loving girl that she was, take that flower from her hands and tell her: you are a good, loving little girl. It is okay for a good, loving little girl to be happy. You have my permission. Go enjoy those other flowers over there. You need this permission so to make a bigger and bigger space in between the … contributions of that pecking voice, a space of peace, of knowing you were all along that good, loving girl. This space will increase over time and the pecking voices will be moved to the side, become marginal, less loud, less frequent.
Okay Anita, I pasted this here again to let it sink in. I will read it a few more times – before I respond
June 11, 2019 at 8:25 am #298449AnonymousGuestTake your time, Cali Chica, all the time that you need.
anita
June 11, 2019 at 10:06 am #298489Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Give myself permission to be happy. Can we elaborate on that more?
I am feeling that I need more guidance with that today (by guidance I mean just your thoughts/opinions on this matter)
June 11, 2019 at 10:33 am #298501AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
We have a strong moral sense, we people (before and if we lose it), we have to feel that we are good people before we feel that we deserve to feel happy, and for as long as we feel that we are bad people, we feel that we deserve to be punished. Human nature.
anita
June 13, 2019 at 6:17 am #298809Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
we have to feel that we are good people before we feel that we deserve to feel happy
I am starting to slowly learn what you mean by this. I used think, well why wouldn’t I think I am good? Its my mom that was bad.
But I understand – with the exercise especially with young Cali Chica that there are many false beliefs that I have that I am not good enough, or perhaps, not good. I look forward to exploring that more. If you are up for it, lets continue the exercise today – I am in a nice calm state where it would be good/beneficial.
June 13, 2019 at 6:20 am #298811AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I was about to drop you a note and you beat me to it.
Let’s start then, talking to Cali Chica in her first decade:
– What does it mean, to be a good little girl, Cali Chica?
anita
June 13, 2019 at 6:24 am #298813Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita, that made me smile!
To be a good little girl:
it means to be good Anita, it means to not make big messes, to listen to my mom. to be good is to be a good girl and listen to your parents. bad kids never listen – they run and scream and act bad. to be good is also not to forget your homework. sometimes i forget to bring my homework from 3rd grade, and then Its bad. one time i had to have a homework reminder – to help me put it in my backpack so i would bring it home.
June 13, 2019 at 6:35 am #298817AnonymousGuestWhen you forgot to bring your homework from 3rd grade, what happened then, at home?
anita
June 13, 2019 at 7:11 am #298839Cali ChicaParticipantdear Anita,
my mom and dad always tell me i am so forgetful and absent minded. they always say where is your mind? because i forget things a lot
June 13, 2019 at 7:24 am #298847AnonymousGuestWhat happens when you forget, is mom angry? Is dad angry?
anita
June 13, 2019 at 7:26 am #298849Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
i dont know if theyre angry Anita, but sometimes they just talk a lot – to each other like this–
oh look at her – always so forget ful! where is her mind! what kind of person forgets homework.
but then sometimes mom is nice and says – okay its good to remember things, and try to remember more…
June 13, 2019 at 7:32 am #298855AnonymousGuestSo good girl Cali Chica tries hard to not forget anything, looking to the right, looking to the left, make sure she is not forgetting anything?
anita
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