Dear Anita,

Good morning.  Yes, dog walkers can make a great living in this city – charging cash for walks and building up a great business.  I often joke that I should be a dog walker instead! And yes, that sentiment is common in this city – bragging and talking about status or money.

But hey – everywhere you go there is good and bad.  I used to focus on the idea of what a place is by the stereotypes – and sure they influence your experience.  But I am slowly learning that I am the experience.

I am my own experience.

Yes laying in the grass, playing.  This weekend we made ZERO plans with others.  My husband was not on call, and it was a relaxing weekend just us 2 and the dog.  We ran in central park, then stopped played ball with the dog, walked some more, and wandered around.  My favorite thing – since I was young Cali Chica, wandering around outdoors in the beautiful weather – no sense of the time!

I said no to a few invites for dinner or drinks.  At first feeling guilty, but quickly remembering that its an invite for something fun.  This isn’t my mom asking me to come over, and then one hour guilt trip about how everyone else’s daughters come over and are dedicated, and how I am too busy with my own life to care about her (her who did everything).

Also, my friendship with this person does not depend on how many times I say yes.  An understanding person (which all of my friends are – the ones who weren’t or are selfish are no longer in my life) is not pushy and judgmental.  These people too have their own lives – we are all adults.

So, quality time was great.  Quality time in a busy city – even better.

I will work on this over the summer, when it is possible – to protect my time with my husband – to make it quality.

Dear Anita,

Thank you. You are right.  And I will hold on to these moments, this moment.

it shows progress, and that the right choices: protecting time and exercise: quality time – pays off

it leads to a good mental and emotional state!

proof the process works – and it may not be linear, but it still continues, healing is always going on.

Dear Anita,

You are right! Once again!

I am doing the work. Day in and day out.  Sometimes it feels like work – real work!

Sometimes it doesn’t.  I notice when it doesn’t now – after the fact of course.

Such as when I turned down plans this weekend (may sound small to another person) but we both know my background and tendency to “fly into” Super Woman – Super Cali Chica mode!

It was natural – the answer I mean.  Do I want to do this? nope…

It didn’t take long to know the answer – nope – it doesn’t often.

It’s just that before the “answer” was hidden beneath mountains of guilt, burden, and trauma.

Healing nowadays is day in and day out, uncovering trauma.

Dear Anita,

Yes we do.

Well, I don’t know you from the beginning of your journey (as you know me) but I know for sure, that your healing has been quite “expedited” for lack of a better term.

In the sense that you are not someone who after seeing the “light” and reality – took years upon years to get on track.  I believe you, like me, became committed to the healing path.  Yes it may not be linear – but you did not veer off.

Perhaps I am not correct.  But I see in your persistence of your own healing, and the support of all those you help on this platform – that you are truly dedicated to healing and the journey.  You also find those who also have this dedication (myself) people you can relate to.  That is a nice feeling I think..

Dear Anita,

Oh beautiful.  Thank you for sharing with me the beginning of your healing journey.

You know, I think a lot about what you mean – the importance of healing in a safe relationship.  I honestly sometimes don’t realize this as it is easy to “take it for granted”

Interesting how we both started our respective journeys around the time we got married.  I can see how that was a beginning for both of us, and like you stated – a safe place for us to heal – we are lucky to have supportive spouses.

I will work on reminding myself the importance of this healing in a safe relationship.  However, I must keep it safe by not abusing my husband (as my mother abused me).  Safety is a two way street.

Dear Anita,

EAR

Did you make this acronym, or did you read it elsewhere? Regardless how fitting and perfect.

First of all, I thought today – how I work day in and day out, on healing, on things that come natural to others.  Love, empathy, and respect.  Not to put myself down, and others up. But it is true often – I even see it in my own circle.  Girls who know how to respect their boyfriends, women who respect their husbands.  Women who appreciate what life gives them and feel fortunate for their spouses, family etc.

I have to work at this daily.  I feel this is a shame, I feel it is unfortunate.  I feel it as though you are given cake but no taste buds – cant enjoy or appreciate life in a true way…Oh how difficult, and oh that stupid terrible mother – how terrible for her to make just daily living, and daily “normal” emotions such a task. Sometimes like this evening, I wish I could jump out of this “suit” and into another.  Like in a cartoon.  Unzip my body, and jump into another.  Oh what it must feel like – to love, to feel, to not worry.  To have empathy, love, respect, appreciation for your life, and spouse.

What a “curse” it is to not be able to live this way, it doesn’t really feel like living at all.  These days I think perhaps others live, and I don’t.  I do.  But I don’t live – I work on healing yes.  One day I will truly live.  Deeply live.

No wonder it is daily work.

Dear Anita,

I know you will not read this until the morning. I want to do a practice now a days. About validity, about roots. I want to see the root. when I feel frustration beyond a reasonable norm. If I feel annoyance thats targeted at someone that doesn’t make sense. Or is invalid. I want to know what is valid and where it is coming from.

here goes

I am sad that I did not enjoy my wedding. I am sad that despite all of our efforts to do everything the best, I was robbed of something very simple, joy. So many people too far less, most people do for less, but they experience so much joy. I am not saying that I deserve more joy because we did more, perhaps had a more extravagant wedding. Joy does not work like this it is not linear or proportional or exponential. If that was the case all Hollywood celebrities and rich people would be overwhelmed with joy all of the time, clearly they are not. I am getting off track. I feel sad, I feel sad that so many people do not criticize them selves day in and day out. They have confidence. Some of these people have confidence and you may not even know it. They are not self deprecating, they love themselves.  They have joy and love for their own self and life. How is that?

I’m not saying that everyone is happy go lucky, I am saying this. It saddens me when I see people who have circumstances perhaps for less than mine, but they feel so much joy. It doesn’t saddens me because I am jealous of them, it saddens me because I feel like wow if I was in that situation I would probably not be happy because I am in the situation and I am still unable to be happy. And then I realize it has nothing to do with the situation, I am unable to be happy because I was cursed with trauma. I guess that’s what it is. It is sad that no matter where I go or what I do or who I am or who I am with I will be unhappy. It is sad to get reminders from the outside sometimes when I see people have joy so easily. And look how much I do and still no joy. I’m not doing all this to create joy or to seek it. No. I am just me and living life to my potential let’s say. what I am saying is that despite all that I have there is no joy.  I am stuck, I am under all of this glue, it is a sticky stickiness.