Dear Anita,

I thought occurred to me after I submitted the last post.  A fleeting thought that  came like a meteor and passed:

Perhaps I don’t give my mother the credit she deserves (by credit it meant blame) Perhaps I still cover up for her.

Then the thought left.

I analyzed it – is it true? Hmm noo…I am quite open about the destruction she caused and how she has no place in my life. When she called my friend S to “ask about me” I made it known to my friend that none of my mothers gestures are kind and harmless.

If someone was to ask me why I don’t speak to my mother, I would explain it without flinching, without guilt, without an unsteady unsure, insecure answer…

But then why this meteorite thought? (we can’t believe all of our thoughts, but these types of things that come in my head and leave are often understandings I am missing)

So I thought about my inner dialogue.  Sure I explain to others (if situation arises) but what do I tell myself.

So S (that same friend) got engaged recently.  It was perfect and intimate and about HER AND HIM, not tainted by crazy parents.

When I talked to her on the phone about it, I was so happy and excited, we talked for some time.  When my husband spoke to me after I got off the phone – he seemed down.  He explained (as now he has gotten pretty good at explaining his feelings -go figure – lots of practice) he said how it made him kinda sad/upset to see me so excited for my friend, yet all of our proposal did not exude any real emotion out of me.  That I was more excited to send pictures and call people and tell them about it, then savor the moment with him.

He’s right.

But I became defensive.  I said its because of the mental state I was in, the stress of the parents – how I was almost going through the motions because my parents had beaten the joy and anticipation excitement out of it.

But why didn’t I say (to him or in my head more importantly) – yeah screw those idiotic “mf B****S” that screwed our every moment up, who sucked our joy, like vampires.  yes you are right I wasn’t there I wasn’t truly happy – I wasn’t truly anything.

My point is not what I did or did not answer my husband, thats hardly the point as this is the past – but why wasn’t I filled with anger and rage!

Screw those horrendous socipaths – I would kick them if I could.  Sure I dont naturally use curse words like above, but its the point – where is that rage and anger?

Where is that – wow this people literally ruined my life, my proposal, my most important milestone of getting married, and the beginning of what could have been a “perfect” and calm and amazing marriage.  Every problem I have now is because of them.

Where is that anger towards the horrible people who did this?

Dear Anita,

Yes I am afraid to abandon my mother.  This partnered with what I just wrote above, I am afraid to exude true anger towards this person who mothered me perhaps.  To see her as ALL BAD.  As there have been many good times in my life, I am healthy, successful, very well adjusted, have an “enviable” life and place in society with friends/colleagues —- so it is hard to see ALL bad.  But I see that seeing my mother as all bad has nothing to do with how I became as an adult.  Nothing at all.

I am afraid to be the others, seems to good to be true – I must find something wrong, naturally.  The others, yes, they can go enjoy and be happy go lucky – those simple people.  Its not like that for us, we suffer – we have misery – stick to the misery.

“we aren’t lucky like them young Cali Chica”

Yes, mother you are right.  We are not.  See – look at my life – you are right, oh you are always right.

See – you’re right when you said this guy I am going to marry isn’t so good after all (after I as a lion riled up him/calm cat – and then poked him to get a response) yum you’re right mom, look how he’s responding – bad like you said!

See – You’re right mother.  we never get lucky at good jobs like those other people.  look at those other people, half as smart as us double as lucky (this was made up by me just now) yes youre right mother..  i work with this horrible lady at work on fridays and shes the worst (but what about the other 4 days of the week that are great? or the fact that I don’t have to work weekends? overshadowed by the bad right) yup mom you’re right.

By continuing to focus on the negative I am loyal to her. I don’t abandon her.  Its almost like a perpetuation of one of her last comments to me:

You’ll see what happens to kids that are bad  to their parents, they always suffer. You will see.

It’s like taking on this “curse” by self sabotaging.  Making it true for my own self, by being loyal to her negative ways.  Yes it is not an active choice as my brain is wired this way, and it takes rewiring and undoing.  Of course.

And as your last post stated: such true anger will be overwhelming to me, it does not happen this way of course.  Perhaps in the movies when someone hits rock bottom once and is cured. Here, in our real lives, we have to do this work – don’t we?  And that is okay. That is the way.

Redirecting my anger to where it belongs, my mother is important.  It is not that I will lose responsibility or ownership of my healing path.

Let’s take my sister for example.  Not to say that I want to learn from her, or model my behavior after her.  But one difference, and she has mentioned this too – is that she saw much earlier on that my mom is a bad person.  She saw at a younger age that my mother is jealous, vindictive, and not always right.  As a result, she has had anger/resentment at her for many years.

Her role in my mothers life is very different – so it is not a great comparison.  But I see the difference between someone who was a blinded saint/devotee to my mother for many years (myself) versus my sister. In fact because my mother “favored” me it was even more detrimental.

If she had been mean or pushed me away (like the classic emotionally neglectful mother) I may have developed anger and hate towardss her earlier, and seen reality earlier.  Instead I was in the dark, and tricked, fooled.

That to this day I remain loyal in many ways, ways I do not even see.

My mother is a horrible selfish person.  She always was.  Even my life was great – she was. And when my life became worse she was.  If she did not seem that way at times, it was because she was just better at hiding it, or that her self wasn’t being provoked/expressed/exposed.  But when you truly poke the lion you see him in all his glory – his real self. And I saw that at the very end.

The issue is, the harm that was done to me was not based on that very end, roaring lion.  No it was done far earlier, when this lion was sad and despondent licking hher wounds.  Asking me to lick the wounds too.  Go out there and fight for me, and lick my wounds.

This lion is bad, this lion is evil, this lion had no business having children – this lion is unfit to be a mother.

This lion had a cub, me – that no matter how this cub looked – this cub was scarred for life.  This cub is unfortunate – it is unfortunate for this cub to be born from this lion.  The life of this cub is tainted from the moment it was born.

Dear Anita,

sure it could be worse. Oh so much worse. For myself. Perhaps for you too?

but where does that lead us?

yes perhaps I am resentful at my husband because he is the others. Calm cat.

Perhaps if he was angry and cynical and harsh I wouldn’t react the way I do to him – ironically if he was this way – I would be the one being treated like that by him likely.

I don’t believe in religion too much and I try not to be lofty. But I do believe I met him for a reason, for without him I wouldn’t have the love foundation and support to make the big decision I did. Or perhaps I would have regardless if I was single or married to someone else who knows.

Point is I am lucky to have him and also lucky to have his parents, my family. My actual support.

I take this for granted as my mind is fixated on all else. What is wrong and the anger. I forgive myself for that – as the healing path is new. Everything that I Am in this exact moment does not define me forever. No it does not.

I will focus on understanding that good little Cali Chica more. And understanding that this little girl needs rescuing. She does. She did then. And she does now.

Dear Anita,

Healing only proceeds if I believe I am a good person.  A person that does not attack, a person that does not pour over distress/uneasiness.

I took your words seriously and practiced this.  It was a practice of doing less, not more.  Doing nothing at times.  How foreign it may feel at times – but I know it is the right thing, the good work.

I am looking forward to a summer this year with far less plans and events than my husband and I have had over the last few years.  This will allow for doing less.  For sitting with myself.

What are some of the best scenarios you can remember where you actually “felt yourself healing?”

One moment from yesterday I can recall is sitting on my balcony (I am lucky to have one in NYC) and soaking in the sun and reading.  It is something I used to do as young Cali Chica.  I did that – and that’s it for a whole hour..

Dear Anita,

Maybe this is why your tendency has been to distract yourself from time alone with your husband and attend to anyone else.. because you don’t see that deep affection toward you that you see in your husband’s expression toward you so it is less distressing or scary to interact with others, maybe..?

I was thinking the other day – how I do no feel this deep affection, towards anything – except my dog.

I don’t feel true deep vulnerability towards my husband, I know its not because I don’t love him, it is because I am hardened/toughened as we say.  Perhaps you are right, since I don’t feel it – it is easier to distract by talking about others and focusing on outward things.  Perhaps when I think about those who are so enveloped and encompassed in their love for their significant other, they aren’t distracted by the outside world because their attachment is so intense.  Since I don’t have that – at baseline – it is easier for my mind to float away like a butterfly, since it isn’t deeply rooted to my spouse (unlike many/most others I know)

Dear Anita,

Hmm…I never thought about feeling it a little and getting scared and running away. Let’s discuss when you return from the computer.

Dear Anita,

(and only answer if you feel okay/reasonable)

Did you ever run away from this feeling of affection for your husband? I believe what you are writing because i trust your judgement, but it does not seem possible to me.  As I don’t truly believe that baseline of tail wagging affection.  As you said it is still there because it is baseline (and over come with hardness)

But do you recall doing this, and then did you then transition over time to be able to deeply love and be vulnerable? I know many steps in between..

Dear Anita,

Yes. I entirely resonate with the running away of:

being constantly on the run, not at all sitting with affection for a moment

It takes a certain lightness, a loosening of that intense self control, the uptightness… loosening of the anxiety.

It does. I am far from loosening this, but I can imagine it.  Makes perfect sense.

I love the analogy of soft dust, oh what a beautiful analogy. Soft powdery dust resting on the ground, and whoosh! the Anxiety windstorm swoops in and takes it all a way – never allowing the “dust to settle”