Hi Laura,

I’m sorry I don’t really have any solid advice to offer, but I do understand what you’re going through!! I’ve left relationships before thinking that it would be really easy to find someone perfect for me and then what a surprise when it’s not. But you getting out of an abusive relationship was for sure the right thing, and that’s good you see that – and also that you’ve allowed some time for yourself. Unfortunately, as much as we work on ourselves, some times the real work and the real test of the self work we’ve done can only be done in the context of a relationship. Like I know for myself, I will feel really good and confident on my own for a while and then as soon as I’m really into someone that all just crumbles. How frustrating!

What I’m learning is that we see everything through the filter of our own experiences and perceptions…like when he was late to your date, you immediately took it personally like he was blowing you off. When in reality, he could just be a not very timely person and it has nothing to do with you. You may have texted to let him know you’d be late if the roles were flipped but maybe that’s just not his thing. And because he hasn’t initiated anything physical with you…maybe he’s just a respectful person who wants to take that side slow (a good thing, in my opinion) or maybe he has insecurities of his own.

When you feel yourself having the sabotaging thoughts, I would challenge you to think of any possible explanations for what’s happening other than anything that has to do personally with you. I wish I could offer something more concrete, and I know it’s SO hard, especially in the moment! From experience, I know that things I tend to take personally usually have very little to do with me, and more to do with what’s going on with the other person (how their day at work was, what traffic was like, how they feel physically, etc). But it took me a few years of questioning significant others for me to figure this out. Next time you have these thoughts, I would just take a step back and try to remove yourself from the situation almost. Look for other ways to see and interpret what’s before you.

Hi Laura,

I meet a wonderful guy who treated me well, but my fears and self sabotage cost me our relationship. He forgave and forgave until he said he no longer could.  I am ashamed of my actions and irrational behavior.  He did what was best for his happiness and that was to leave me.

As Anita posted earlier, take it slow.  Enjoy time spent together instead of worrying about the “what if’s”.  We can’t protect ourselves from getting hurt.  It’s a chance we all take in order to find happiness and love.

If his actions and words show and tell you he cares then let yourself find comfort and joy in it.  I can’t fix my relationship but I am working on my self.