It’s a fantasy. And that’s it. I think I speak for everyone here when I say a majority of people that masturbate think of other people or other situations outside of what they’re currently living and experiencing. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years with a man I love very much, but when I’m trying to get off, chances are I’m thinking about a celebrity or watching porn or letting my imagination take me to a sexual situation I’ve never experienced. They are just what they are, THOUGHTS. And they are yours and only yours. You definitely shouldn’t be feeling guilty as it is a natural part of human nature. I can guarantee when your boyfriend masturbates he thinks of something or someone other than you most times too. Take a deep breath, and enjoy that brain of yours.

With warmth,
Jennifer

Hi Anna,

My view is that masturbation is like most things in that it is healthy when done in moderation. Just don’t let it be something you do all the time (nothing else going on) and you’ll be fine. I’ll get to your thoughts of others in a moment. But looking at masturbation in itself, what’s not to love? You get to learn how you are wired, what pleases you, on your terms, in the comfort of whatever space is comfy for you. You control the speed and pressure, when to stop and when to release. It’s a win, win, win, win (and then some) situation for you. Again, allow yourself the experience in moderation and you’ll be fine.

Guilt from thoughts. I’ve experience this as well, but not as much anymore. Here are some thoughts which helped me.

I haven’t met anyone who has complete control over what thoughts pop in their head. Our senses are constantly stimulating our brain, bringing all kinds of images and words to mind. Receiving physical pleasure will surely keep a steady stream of fantastic imagery flowing. It’s not surprising that at least some of these images are of someone you find physically attractive. Seeking out someone attractive to mate with is part of how we are wired. When you’re in love with someone, why would this hard wiring shut off? It’s like when you hang out with your loved one, and notice an attractive man. Do you stop recognizing that man as attractive just because you’re in love? I’d bet you don’t, and you shouldn’t, and that is normal because of how are brains are wired. Learn to cut yourself slack on this, at least for the reason that thoughts are very much out of our control. How we decide to follow through on our thoughts is what needs attention, imo.

Then you might ask ‘should I follow through with masturbation when having these images of someone else?’ Absolutely. It doesn’t mean that you’re in love with the person you’re picturing. You may just think they have sexy features. In my experience, love and sex are two separate things, and obviously often go hand in hand. Seeing these as separate can be a challenge because there are strong emotions involved with each. Maybe that’s how guilt works it’s way in. I’ve had my share of struggles with it. But the more I saw them as separate, the more healthier I felt my approach to sex and love became.

So my advice in a nutshell. Allow yourself the wonderful experience of self pleasure and exploring what turns you on. Go easy on yourself. The thoughts which trigger from physical pleasure might be all over the place. Let it happen and enjoy. It doesn’t mean you’re in love with someone else. It may just mean that they have features which you find sexy.

: )

You’re welcome Anna. And thank you for the discussion 🙂

I hear what you are saying about it feeling bad/dirty. I suspect that the more you explore this, the more you’ll feel comfortable with it and those thoughts as well. I think you’ll start to notice that these thoughts are normal to being a human and are not bad.

Best wishes to you 🙂

It’s all very normal. What isn’t normal or healthy is worrying about it so much.

Worrying about thinking about ‘bad’ things is a very common source of anxiety problems, but people who are going to do bad things don’t generally worry about doing them – the fact that you are worrying shows that it goes against your nature. It’s just how minds work – minds can’t help but look into the dark corners. That’s all it is. Honest! The more you can let it go, the less it will bother you. The more you hang on to worrying about it, the bigger an issue it will seem, and the more likely it is to spoil things between you and your boyfriend, which really would be a pity.

Finding out about meditation might help you to calm your mind and be kinder to yourself, and it is a really good skill to have for anyone who gets anxious.

No need for ANY of the washing either.

You are normal and not bad!! Believe us all. 🙂