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Self Image and Comparisons

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • January 23, 2018 at 2:10 pm #188323
    linevty0
    Participant

    Hello,

    Background:  I was married for almost 20 years (divorced now for almost 6 years and have since been remarried for 2 months).  My ex-wife cheated on me and it was sort of a blindside.  I am over it and have no ill will toward my ex-wife and neither does my current wife-they are actually good friends so no worries there.

    The issue is every since my ex-wife cheated on me, my self-esteem and my sense of worthiness has taken a nose-dive and it manifests itself in odd ways.  Currently, I find myself comparing myself to my current wife’s exs.  They were all good looking guys and I feel less than them somehow.  She has told me that yes, they were attractive guys but she finds me more so though I don’t know if she is biased or not and it gets me down.  I’ve seen pictures of them and I think they are much more attractive than me physically, though in all other ways they don’t seem like very good guys (one guy left her and her kids after one of their kids passed away for another woman, one guy left her at the alter when she was pregnant, and one guy went on a drug fueled crime spree and hid his criminal/drug past from her before they got married.  He is now in prison).

    I’m hung up on the physical looks for some reason.  I consider myself in pretty good shape, I work out 4 times a week and have a healthy weight and look decent but no matter how many times she tells me how much she is attracted to me, it doesn’t seem to matter.  I always feel like second-place or less than her past guys.

    Any advice?  I appreciate it.

    January 24, 2018 at 2:23 am #188489
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear linevty0:

    My advice:

    1. Stop sharing this particular “Self image and Comparisons” issue with your wife. All her input made no difference to you, did not resolve the issue for you whatsoever. Better to not keep doing what has produced zero results for you. Also, this is probably tiring for her, or soon will be, not a good idea overall. So when the thoughts appear in your mind, and you feel compelled to ask once again, to talk to your wife about it- don’t.

    2. You wrote that you are over your ex wife cheating on you. In some ways maybe you are over it, but not entirely. This preoccupation with your looks, comparing your look to other guys started after that cheating. Your ex wife injured you emotionally when she cheated you. This preoccupation or obsession is the result of this injury.

    As in any other injury, healing needs to be done. Perhaps a few sessions with a quality psychotherapist will help you heal.

    * I am wondering, your ex wife cheating on you, why did she… did it have anything to do with physical appearance. Did you make comparisons then, comparing yourself and the man or men she cheated with?

    anita

    January 24, 2018 at 5:36 am #188523
    linevty0
    Participant

    Hello Anita and thanks for replying.

     

    My ex-wife cheated on me because we were just sexually incompatible.  Everything else was fine for the most part.  I know the people she cheated on me with and they were not super hot guys or anything, just regular guys but they gave her the attention she needed.  My ex-wife told me she always thought I was more handsome than anybody, including the guys she cheated with so I’m not sure where my preoccupation with looks comes from.  My ex-wife has told me that I am a remarkable father, husband, friend, everything…we just didn’t have that romantic spark.  I am not a vain man or anything and struggle to figure out why I compare myself with other men.  It’s not just looks either, it’s sense of humor, how much more loving I am, how much better I take care of a family, and other intangibles.  I just want to be the best everything for my current wife so I do not experience the pain of her leaving as I know all too well what that feels like.

     

     

    January 24, 2018 at 6:40 am #188535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear linevty0:

    I read your posts on your other thread as well as here. The fear of not being handsome enough or good enough in this way or that way probably started in childhood, as it is very common. Then triggered following your ex wife cheating on you. Fear when it is ongoing is termed anxiety. It sorts of circulates in the brain and goes on the Comparison Ride. Feeling a bit better when you are better than others, worse when you figure you are less than others. Up and down, so goes the ride.

    The solution, easier said than done, of course, is to get off the ride. It is about somehow being okay with who you are. And it is about getting engaged, or involved with living in such a way that your self image is not all that you see. You already see your current wife fears. Everyone has fears, anxiety. In other words, you have company, a lot of company. I am in that company you have.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

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