Hi Misha.

I know it can be hard to deal with our insecurities at times. I think we all have insecurities -especially us girls- but deal with them differently. Whenever you feel like you are not good enough, just remember this: Your boyfriend is with YOU for a reason. You are perfect TO him and FOR him. He LOVES you for who YOU are. If you were different, he wouldn’t have been so attracted to you, your personality and your looks on the first place. He loves your qualities and your flaws. He accepts you just as you are. He wants to be with you and no one else. The person that you are is what makes him happy.

You said, “I just want to be perfect I want to be this person that I am not and I guess no one can be perfect but if Im not perfect why would he want a future with me”.

What is your definition of “perfect”? There is no such thing as perfection – we are all a work in progress and that is what makes us beautiful. Misha, do not be too hard on yourself. Your boyfriend said it himself, he WANTS to help you, which means he IS and WILL BE there for you, no matter what. He is ready to take this journey with you. It is a way for him to show you how much he loves you.

And now, do not feel guilty about what happened – it belongs to the past. All you have to do now is learn from what you have experienced. Keep your goals in mind, repeat to yourself that you are beautiful and perfect and enough, and that your boyfriend LOVES YOU.

Misha,

In addition to the other kindly advice, consider that all of us make mistakes, and feel crappy from time to time. The problem isn’t the icky feelings, those happen to us all. The problem is you think the icky feelings make you unlovable, such as “that part of me doesn’t deserve tenderness, I must stamp it out to be good enough for him.” False, garbage, old pain. Instead, consider that your boyfriend loves you, and when you feel crappy, rather than want to dump you, he wishes to hold you, help you remember that you’re loved. You poop and fart and sneeze, all lovable, all part of your beauty. You rise and fall, happy and sad, laughter and tears, all part of your beauty. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t.

Consider a few different paths. One, consider reading some of Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and shame. She really is a great light for those who become scared certain parts of themselves make them unlovable. Two, consider admitting you’re lost when you’re lost, such as “wow, dear boyfriend, I am feeling disconnected and unloved, would you reach out with your tender heart and comfort mine? Remind me of my beauty?” If he wants to help, but doesn’t know how or when, it can really help him help you if you own up to your feelings and submit them for healing into the relationship.

Finally, often times we can begin to think there is something wrong with us when we’re just a little stressed. It creeps up on us,such as being fine for a few days, then a pair of late night caffeine driven study sessions, and low and behold we’re feeling unlovable again. All normal, part of learning how to take care of ourselves. When we sleep when we’re tired, eat when we’re hungry, laugh when we’re happy, and cry when we’re sad… the self-conflict drops. Said differently, if you push too hard at being happy, stable, “not crazy”, you’ll just be conflicted, self contentious. When we accept “sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m crazy, sometimes I’m hungry, sometimes I’m full”, then its no big deal. Sad? Cry, or ask for a hug. Hungry? Eat. Tired? Sleep. Not “why do I have to be hungry, it sucks” or “why do I have to feel so down, it sucks”. The former way sees our needs met, while the latter makes us feel guilty for being full of needs.

Namaste, dear sister, may your contention unravel into self knowing.

With warmth,
Matt

Misha,

Yes, it makes sense why you’d be getting agitated, and its easier to let go of than you think. Those comparisons you make are very normal, we’re given these “icons” of beauty that people are supposed to be like,if they want love, dreams, etc. But oops, we’re different, therefore must be ugly, less, imperfect. All garbage. Consider a different view.

Surface beauty is just that, surface. Like the peel of an apple, it rests at the outside, and means very little. Most of the shape of your true beauty comes from inside, such as your tenacity, passion, humility, and love. Much like it isn’t this season’s leaves that give a tree its shape, your beauty blossoms from the trunk, the way you dance with the world. As you dance with him, it sounds as though he’s seeing all of that… knowing you, holding you, wanting to comfort, assure. Said differently, do you really think your love and appreciation of his beauty would snuff out because he got a new pimple? Then why would you think his love is so weak?

Consider that sometimes the reason why we’re left searching for self love isn’t because we’ve had an absence of love, but because we’ve not been helped to see why we’re lovable. “Oh, she’s so pretty”, “look at the size of those boobs!”, photoshopped perfectly plasticy looking skin, or hiding behind coverup, people pointing and saying “love that”. Sheesh, be free of that trash, dear sister. You have a spark, and that spark illumines your beauty… not the other way around. Unless the person is stuck looking at the surface, but those folks have enough issues without us bearing a grudge, or worse, adopting their view.

If you can tell your troubling emotions and thoughts are tied to higher levels of stress, you might be able to drop the maze altogether if you begin a meditation practice. Its like turbo stress relief, making a pocket of stillness in a busy life so the mind can unwind, refuel, rest. A great place to start is metta meditation, which will also help erode the anger toward your sisters for their various qualities. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

With warmth,
Matt