Hi,

In December a deep and meaningful relationship ended for me. It was the first relationship for me that I really wanted to last and grow. The relationship lasted around 6 months, with the first 4 being great. The last 2 the obvious relationship decline started to set in. Poor communication, emotional disconnection, and one person in denial unable to confront what he was witnessing (me). Our relationship started through working together and we wanted to keep things quiet because I was a temp worker and she was a staff member. There wasn’t much issue with this when we were in the honeymoon phase and still deeply attracted to the new relationship.

The main point I’m trying to set up is I’m struggling to accept that I let low self-esteem ruin a relationship. Low self-esteem has been a long struggle for me and an issue I should have received professional help for years ago. It has affected my ability to develop socially and professionally. It has kept me from missing out on many opportunities, friendships, or not getting the most out of the friendships or opportunities I did have. Low self-esteem kept me from exposing myself and being authentic with others because of a fear of being vulnerable or not being who I appear. It’s an issue that has led me to be truly disappointed with my life to this point even with the successes I’ve had despite it.

I do realize that self-esteem is never constant. It fluctuates, but I believe when you’ve functioned on the low end for years, you’re more likely to struggle to keep your self-esteem at a healthy level. This relationship exposed what I’ve been denying for too long. It was the connection I’ve been longing for and I let my self-esteem sabotage it.

Some of the issues I had:

-Negative perception of myself causing negative actions/emotions. The downfall of the relationship also happened to coincide with my work performance not being something I’m proud of. I did things like make rude or inconsiderate comments/actions both personally and professionally. Examples include telling her the work she gave me to do was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. Or checking her phone once she started to emotionally disconnect (something I apologized for and deeply regretted). Deep down I never intended to hurt her through my actions or comments, I expressed negative emotions/frustration/stress in horrible ways.

-Taking her for granted/getting too routine too quickly. I was going through a lot of stress, having multiple commitments on my plate, working full-time, going to graduate school full-time, working a side job when I could, and trying to maintain personal interests and hobbies. She was in a different position already working in her career. I took the relationship for granted thinking the attraction we both had for each other would hold up. The last 2 months of the relationship became me coming over to her house during the end of the week and watching a movie. Our contact during the week came mainly via text. I should note I was done with the temporary position at about the 5th month our relationship. We weren’t connecting anymore. A big reason for that was me taking us for granted and not being able to express my emotions and feelings with her.

-Not being vulnerable. The routine of always going to her house became an issue. Looking back, I can see I was scared of making myself vulnerable and bringing her into my environment. This has to go back to issues with low self esteem. It’s frustrating to know my struggles with self-esteem would cause me to think she would judge me if she got to know me well. Early on in the relationship, also a time when my self-esteem was much better, there were some good opportunities to invite her to hang out with my group of friends, and I extended that invite, some of those opportunities just didn’t work out with other commitments. But I also realize during the good times, most of our time I was going over to her place, not having her over to my place to hang out.

-Lacking face to face communication/miscommunication. Early in the relationship I did open up about some of my issues with self-esteem and fear of being vulnerable, but it wasn’t in person. A lot of it was through email at work or in texts. Almost like using technology was a wall to hide behind so I didn’t get exposed too much. This only got worse once the relationship started to deteriorate and my self-esteem started to plummet. I didn’t communicate my emotions, needs, ideas to her thinking the physical attraction was strong and we’d get through this. I was afraid to confront what I knew was happening. Afraid letting her know how I was feeling would cause problems.

I’m unhappy that I spent a lot of time stuck in my head and didn’t be the best partner I know I have the potential to be. It sucks when you let low self-esteem get the best of you.

Any insight, advice, or thoughts would be appreciated.