Dear Mina:

You developed a strong emotional attachment to this man. What you are experiencing is the loss of that attachment. Maybe looking deeper into the nature of emotional attachment to another person will help you:

The first and most powerful emotional attachment to another person that a child experiences is to one’s primary parent, the one there taking care of the baby/ young child. For the young child the attachment to the caring parent is something like this: there is no separation between herself (the child) and the parent. The two are one entity, in the child’s mind. The thought, if it occurs, of losing the parent feels like death, certain and immediate death. There is no existence possible, in the perception of the child, without the parent.

We forget, as we age, how we felt as young children. And then we get involved romantically, as you have. In your relationship, you formed the same kind of attachment with added romance and physical intimacy to it, an intimacy of  a different kind, but the attachment is the same. When the relationship ended, it feels like death, just like it would have felt if you lost your caring parent as a young child.

This response to the loss of emotional attachment cannot be otherwise: having mutually agreed to the breakup, having predicted it, knowing it is the right thing, wishing him well… all these do not change the nature of attachment. Losing it feels like death.

It is not “self destructive behavior” that you are experiencing, I believe. It is the loss of emotional attachment.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear Mina:

You are welcome.

In case it isn’t clear, I qualified emotional attachment “to another person” because people do get attached to things, which is not the case here.

Looking deeper at attachment is what I did in my reply to you. I can elaborate a bit more: when you formed an emotional attachment to your boyfriend, there was a feeling of safety in that attachment, for you, much like a baby feels in the arms of her mother, safe. The threat of losing the mother feels like a great danger because safety is taken away. In nature baby animals do die when losing their mother, so the feeling fits reality.

In a romantic relationship, when you form an attachment, there is also the feeling of safety in it and when the relationship ends, so is the safe feeling and the person goes into a kind of shock, as if the ground you stood on is shaking and you can fall, or maybe you feel like you are falling.

The good news is that you are not a baby or a young child and in reality, you will survive this. It only feels as bad as it feels, but it isn’t. Back to the comparison to the ground shaking underneath you: the ground will settle after a while and you will feel safe again.

What to do in the meantime? Take good care of yourself, be kind to you just like you would be if a young child who lost her mother was in your care: be gentle with yourself at this time, rest, watch a good movie, listen to your favorite music, take a nice walk, a nice bath, etc. Don’t look far into the future, take one hour, one day at a time. Eventually the ground will settle and you will feel okay again.

anita

Dear Mina:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation.

I will be back to your post in the morning, about ten hours from now, with a better ability to focus.

anita

Dear Mina:

I re- read your original post and it reads very reasonable to me. I am impressed that you are only 19 and showing more clarity of thinking and understanding than a lot of people of any age.

Regarding your posts from yesterday and my input on various parts of it:

“we broke up BECAUSE we love each other. Him letting me go, and me letting him go is the biggest proof of our love”- I agree. It was loving to break up so that he can have the peace of mind he will need doing his military service and studying in a distant college. The break up will prevent unnecessary distress for the two of you, and that is definitely loving.

“Just because we are not with that person due to several conditions does NOT change a thing about how we felt for each other.”- I agree.

“We will love and take care of each silently and from afar.”- I don’t agree or disagree because I can’t predict the future and neither can you, or him.

“It is just right now – we are not in a place to have a long term commitment.”- I agree, very reasonable, logical, makes sense.

“… some strongly disagrees thinking that by having this mindset – it means that I am not moving on with my life”- would have been true (that you will not move on with your life) only if loving him “silently and from afar,” meant that you will not be available for another relationship any time in the future, being occupied with loving him “silently and from afar”, expecting him to do the same. But your second post yesterday clarifies that these are not your expectations, that you are okay with a limited friendship, which you specified. Therefore, I disagree… with those people who disagree with your mindset.

“What I am saying is that sometimes love itself isn’t enough to keep a relationship going, which on my case is true. But it doesn’t change the fact that its was love, is love and probably in the future will always be love”- I agree with the qualifying note that the love you are expecting is of the limited friendship kind that you specified in your second post yesterday.

I hope you feel better soon, that you adjust to the breakup. Give it time as you take good care of yourself and please do post again anytime. I will be glad to reply.

anita

You are welcome, Mina, and thank you for your kind words. I believe you will be able to love again, sooner than you think. Your clarity and maturity of thinking are very promising. Till your next post, take good care of yourself.

anita