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Seeking Parental Approval

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  • #180391
    Anonymous
    Guest

    DearĀ  Charlie:

    You care so much now about your parents’ criticism of you because you always cared, because children care a wholeĀ  lot about whatĀ  their parents thinkĀ  of them. It is necessary for the child to be approved by the care takerĀ  because beingĀ  disapproved of may mean not beingĀ  taken care of, so the child is desperate to be approved of andĀ  will try very hard to be approved of.

    And so, as you were criticized as a child, you responded by trying to win your parents’ approval. The more they disapproved, the harder you tried. When we are disapproved of in childhood, weĀ  enter adulthood still seeking that parental approval, still trying.

    Your parents, when they claim you are overly sensitive, forgot how they felt when disapproved by their parents. If they remembered, they would realize that a child is born to beĀ  overly sensitive to their parents.

    You wrote that you care more now about their disapproval than you cared earlier in your adulthood. That couldĀ  be because you were more distracted then than you are now. It couldĀ  be thatĀ  you areĀ  more distressed lately in another area, and that distressĀ  triggers this distress.

    RegardingĀ  what you can do? Nothing, really. You told them how you feel but they don’t care, soĀ  it didn’t work. TryingĀ  to tell them yet againĀ  how itĀ  bothers you will not help. Trying toĀ  win theirĀ  approval will succeed as muchĀ  as itĀ  did already.

    Better stop trying, if you can. Stop Seeking Parental Approval, if you can.

    anita

    #180395
    Charlie
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita! You’ve helped me a while ago in the past, and you always shed so much light. Do you have any advice about how to stop getting so upset when they make random comments about something that you didn’t want an opinion on? I wish that I could just let those comments roll off of me, but they cut so deep. I know it has to do with my own insecurities. I’m usually very good about taking negative comments with a grain of salt, but with my parents, it’s different.

    #180463
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charlie/Charlotte:

    You asked for advice about “how to stop getting so upset when they make random comments”.

    When you posted about how upset you get when your husband tickles you (I hope he no longer does), I didn’t suggest that you continue to let him tickle you and stop being upset. I suggested that he must stop tickling you. When you posted that you were upset about your friend’s sister taking advantage of him, I did not suggest you stop being upset. I suggested that as long as he chooses her in his life, and following your input to him, that he stops telling you about her.

    And so, in line with previous advice, I am suggesting not that you stop reacting to your parents’ expressed disapproval and unsolicited opinions by not feeling upset (as impossible to do as you being okay with being tickled!).

    Instead I will suggest that you do not avail yourself to their disapproval. Don’t call them every night. Don’t call them at all.

    anita

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