Hello,

I have been having a difficult time finding an appropriate balance lately, and hoped by reaching out, I would be able to find some answers.

I am a few months shy of three years of sobriety. I’ve joined a program, worked through a lot of things and am ready to move forward with my life and enjoy the second chance I was given. Thing is, with so many emotions flooding in and out lately, I find it difficult to keep hope and move on. My highly sensitive person gene has kicked in to overdrive and I am fighting back depression, which has been rearing it’s ugly head for awhile now, despite my daily meditations and positive literature.

For the past few weeks, I have been talking about my dream of working in the music industry, to everyone I know. I am not a performer, however music plays a significant role in my life and I wish to be surrounded in an environment that supports my personality and brings out my natural talents…wherever they might fit in to the industry, itself. So imagine my excitement when I stumbled across a job listing online for an entry level position in the industry, here in my city, last week. I applied through a third party recruiter and then did some research on the company itself. After finding that this looks like a wonderful place to work, I sent a letter and my resume directly to the owner of the company so I could show my sincere interest and passion in obtaining this position. It has been three days since he received it and being a very busy man himself, I am not surprised that I have not heard back from him yet.

During this waiting period, I have been struggling with my feelings of being contacted and starting my dream job (because I believe in myself enough to know if I had an opportunity to interview, I would nail it – it’s my passion)…and cutting ties with my dad…

Since I have been out of work, I began reestablishing my relationship with my father. I pushed him away a long, long time ago and did/said some horrible things to him from my adolescence until a year or so before my sobriety – so a large chunk of time. I just never understood him, or the way he communicates, however he is honestly the most wonderful man I know, and I regret not seeing that a long time ago. Once I was finally able to understand him, I knew it was time to work on our relationship, and I began going over to my parents house three or so days a week to help dad pursue his dream of writing a book. The past few months we have emerged ourselves in research, data entry, etc., and we have both helped one another to overcome a lot of our anxiety and self esteem issues. Not by talking about them, just by spending time together. Turns out, my father and I are just alike (minus the drinking. He was raised with a recovering alcoholic father, so he stayed away from the drink).

Now that I have seen my father happier than I have seen him in what feels like forever, I am having a difficult time cutting ties. It might have something to do with fear of loosing him as I begin on my new journey in life. I pushed him away for so long that I never want to lose the bond we have now, and I can tell he is on the same page. I know he really appreciates my daily assistance, letting him discuss his findings and being a friend to him (my dad isolates himself pretty bad so besides my mom, who has become annoyed with him and his bad habits lately, he has no one else he can share his dream with). I fear his depression and anxiety will come back once I begin a new job, and I can’t bear the thought of him hurting. I may have given up on my dreams decades ago, by choosing the wrong path, but I never gave up on wanting my father to succeed in accomplishing his. He is so kind to everyone, has always believed in his kids and wife and deserves to achieve success.

This might be why I am sending out conflicting, or negative, energy to the universe, despite my daily meditations and constant obsessing over being contacted for this job (which I’m sure doesn’t help, either). On one hand, I want this job sooo bad. Not only will it pay the bills and help me regain my independence I so desperately desire, but I know I can succeed in this industry if given a chance, and be able to one day help by giving back to my parents, the universe, etc. On the other hand, I fear my father losing himself again. I know we are all responsible for ourselves, but when you love someone so much, it can be difficult to put myself first.

Has anyone experienced something similar to this? I know ultimately, I need a job, especially for my sanity. But how do I feel right about leaving my father behind while pursuing my dream, after just coming back to him, and helping to achieve his?

Thank you for your time in reading this long post :). I greatly appreciate any advice given.