Dear bevan:

What came to my mind as I read your post, about the purpose of life is To Love and Be Loved in Return. Really to love, really to be loved. To feel okay, to feel you are okay, perfectly fine, approved, loved, lovable. Did you ever feel that way?

anita

Dear bevan:

Would you like to try an exercise with me where I start a sentence and you complete the sentence with whatever comes to your mind, without editing? So I will start ten sentences, then you copy those and paste them into the next post and complete them?

For the purpose of finding what you are seeking, trying to, that is.

anita

Dear bevan:

I do not view your “current state of being lost and in constant search” to be insignificant, not at all. I view it as very significant, meaningful. I know my feeling of something like: “I wish I could sing because I have a powerful song to sing and I want it heard by the whole world… only I don’t have the voice, the talent to deliver my message, my strong inside thing. Or I wish I could write the best poem or story in the world that will captivate the world, let the world know that powerful movement or happening inside me… only I start writing and that powerful thing doesn’t carry through my words…

So, if this means something to you, what I expressed here… then let me know.

anita

Dear bevan:

I am glad I hit the nail on the head. Often enough I hit my own fingers instead. I was thinking about your post a few minutes ago, as I often do, think about posts when not on the computer, trying to figure out what that meant in my life, the feeling I described, awakened by your post. And I thought about your post above where you wrote about other people being in need of being saved. And I thought, people hardly ever come out of childhood like the children they were, open, authentic, unhindered… probably no one does. You don’t have to be abused or even unloved to lose that child part who must feel this powerful.. those feelings you described in the original post. In your search, in anyone’s search for that special something… I think everyone needs to be saved in one way or another.

anita

Dear bevan:

I am glad you wrote back. I find your search very meaningful and to me it is also exciting. Although it is your search, not mine, it still excites me: what will you find, I ask myself. This creativity trapped in you for lack of outlet, this creativity, passion is so promising of good things to come. If I could be any help in finding the outlet, I will be pleased, and I mean any help, even the tiniest.

I am going to be away from the computer for a little while. would you like to write more, so I have more to read when I come back? About what you mean by “karma” above, about what you mean by “inner demons trying t9o tear (you) apart”? And anything else…?

anita

Dear bevan:

To your question: in my deepest despair I contracted, withdrew, cut off my creativity and became the minimal me, just so to survive. I did not at all create or manifest marvelous things.

Fear does it, excess, ongoing fear makes people shut down as much of themselves and keep minimally alive. What you are experiencing, is life stirring in you, an awakening of sorts, anticipation of expanding, of becoming more and more of what is possible for you, of what is in you in potential, waiting to materialize.

I can’t think of anything more exciting. Do you have any plans of experimenting with what this expansion is going to be about: experiment with this and that… writing here is one such experiments… an acting class? Something where you will not be grading yourself for performance and instead be engaged in the process, fully engaged?

anita

Dear bevan:

What I wrote about fear, what fear does to people.. and to animals, I am sure about. Depression, that is different than fear, that may be a very down… down time when people can create. Even craving death, that you describe, that is not the same as fear. Maybe when one lost something important, like a loving relationship, that is a chance for something new to be born in place of the things that died.

About the acting class idea: you wrote that you were a shy, timid girl: I am connecting this to what I wrote about fear. Shyness and timidity is about fear, at least it is about being a bit fearful, at the least. So I can see the feeling of empowerment in acting confidently, daringly, in front of others.

Is it about breaking free from the shyness, timidity, all that stood in your way and now you feel the possibilities of breaking those unnecessary hindrances, limits… being and becoming all that you thought was impossible for you?

anita