All right, this is a long story, and I’m going to try and condense it. I have a LONG history of money issues. Here’s a summary:

I recently screwed up our finances, and lost track of $3000, over 3 months. I’m not gambling or anything, but I know it was a screw up.

I just don’t know what to believe. I can’t shake the notion that there must be some reason that I have such difficulty with money. I was anal-retentively on top of things, when we bought our first house. I had a credit card, but I paid it off every month. I was substitute teaching at this time, so I got paid in paper checks. I deposited one at an ATM over the weekend, then on Monday, my husband, whom I will refer to as “DH” used the account to pay for our reservations for our honeymoon (we spent 2 nights in a hotel on Mackinaw Island, the honeymoon capital of MI, then we went cruising on his parents’ boat for the rest of the week). Later, during the week, I got a notice from my bank that the payment had not cleared. I ended up covering it with my credit card, and that led to a chain reaction, and I ended up carrying a balance. Once I started carrying a balance, I threw caution to the wind, and never had it paid off again, until I inherited money after my grandma died, 5 years (or so) ago. I didn’t tell DH that I was carrying a balance, because I didn’t want to deal with the hardship and difficulty that would cause in our marriage. That began the lying about money. I felt sick from the stress and worry about it, and I secretly rented a PO box, where our bills were sent.

The thing is, I wasn’t doing anything destructive, with my spending. I just became careless with grocery shopping, holiday shopping, etc. I didn’t have a huge wardrobe, and my mom actually still bought most of my clothing, early in our marriage. Even on our honeymoon, I was sure DH would find out about the debt, and divorce me eventually. It didn’t seem like it would last, as great as it was. I remember one day, when DH was at work (he worked full time, at the camera shop, in the beginning, and I felt so anxious about money that I couldn’t stand it. I remember I was reading a book. I would buy them from the store, read them, then return them for a refund on my way to pick up DH from work. I had a glass of wine left over from the night before, and I drank it. Suddenly, I was filled with this calm. It just shut my mind right up! (I was recovering from an abusive friendship I had in high school, so my mind was very loud). That was the day I began drinking as a coping mechanism. So, gradually, the funds began to get eaten up by booze as well.

DH did find out about this debt, and it was a horrible time in our marriage. Right after he found out, I was in a car accident (my fault) that totalled my green LeBaron. This was the summer before I student taught, so I was going to be without an income for some time, as well. I don’t think our marriage would have survived that, if my grandma (the one who would later leave me enough money to pay off my credit card) had not insisted on buying me a new used car.

We were done with credit cards, but I was still sloppy. A lot of it was burying my head in the sand. I tried keeping a budget, but incidental food and alcohol purchases derailed it. When we got the boat, the expenses were always more than we budgeted for. I didn’t want to ever tell DH no, because it would lead to an uncomfortable discussion about finances. A few years ago, I actually took out payday loans to pay off our winter storage. That was a mess, and it took a lot to get us back on our feet after that. And DH never knew.

Right after my daughter, “DD” was born, our house went into foreclosure. I had been afraid to make the payments, because I didn’t want DH to know how little money we had. I got us approved for a repayment plan a week before the sheriff’s sale was scheduled. And DH never knew.

The late house payments continued though. I knew we could make it, if we didn’t get 3 months behind. It was a relief to let the house go and start renting (we did deed in lieu, before we moved across the country 3 months ago), because there isn’t any leeway with late payments.

I’m being completely honest now, and I’m going to give Rob access to our bank accounts, online. I only hope it isn’t too late.

Any thoughts on the money thing?

DH’s reaction is judgement. He says that I’m sloppy with bookkeeping, because I never learned responsibility. True, I wasn’t allowed to do much around the house, but I did put myself through college, I’ve done a great job raising our daughter, etc. He says that I drink instead of going overboard to make things up to him, because I’m selfish. He says that my counselor is only partially right, in that I need to see my innocence. That I need to understand that I can be good, that we all can. But that understand why I do the things I do, and viewing them with compassion, keeps me from changing and taking full responsibility. That understanding is just excuse-making. And that happiness is found in forgetting myself, stopping looking within, and giving to others.

I don’t know if I have the right to disagree, after the mistakes I’ve made. But I think judgement is very dangerous for me. I’ve been doing it for years, and it hasn’t worked. I understand the thinking that I need to keep myself if check, but I can’t forget what I’ve seen and understood (or not understood). Self-judgement leads to an end to the problem-solving, and seems to lead me to fight-or-flight mode and losing rational thought very quickly. I begin thinking that I’m worthless, because I am selfish, etc. And that I’m deceiving everyone, and that Rob and Ili would be much better off without me. Judgement leads to destruction, for me. But I feel obligated, after what Rob said.

I’ve found that when I accept my tendencies with love, the few times I’ve been able to do it, I’ve really been able to look at what’s going on and make positive changes. With kids, it doesn’t work just telling them to stop their behaviors. We have to look at the needs they are trying to meet, and help them find a better way to meet those needs. Isn’t that what I should be doing with myself? Even if DH doesn’t think I should, I want to figure out what is underlying all of my money mistakes, so that I can stop making them. My counselor said that beating yourself up over a mistake will only make you more likely to repeat it, and that change comes from clearing up the underlying misunderstanding, that led to the mistake in the first place.

A friend of mine said that you made fewer mistakes once you started believing in yourself. That makes sense, but it’s hard to figure out what I should believe, when I’m getting so many conflicting ideas. It’s only recently that I’ve trusted myself at all, or had any ideas of my own. It’s so new, that I’m afraid of totally going off on the wrong path.

A couple things:

1. Yes, I am working with a counselor.

2. I’m not worried about fixing the budget. I know that DH will trust me less with that, and that makes sense. We’ll be open and together on it, which is what I wanted anyway.

3. What I’m looking for is advice on smoothing things over with DH. Things seem nice now, but I had a friend tell me that I have been selfish, and that I should not expect to be an equal in our marriage, overall, because I did not treat DH as an equal. That doesn’t sit right with me. Being subservient for a lifetime seems worse than death to me. Am I out of line in this thinking? I would much rather see it as a learning experience, not a judgable offense or character flaw.

How should I handle this, as far as my self-talk is concerned? I have been working to stop beating up on myself, but is this judgable? Has everything I think I’ve “learned” been wrong?