Home→Forums→Relationships→Scratching head
- This topic has 189 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by
XenopusTex.
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August 19, 2016 at 8:23 am #112839
AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
You mean signs that said “Yes, proceed to get to know this person” and “No, stop. Do not get to know this person”?
There are such signs and you already responded to those: not proceeding to get to know people you already know you don’t want to … further know.
If a person disrespects you clearly, more than once and does not correct following that one time, that would be a No Sign.
It is a process of elimination on one hand and knowing and becoming known before/ without elimination. It is allowing imperfections on her part and on yours. You decide what is acceptable to you and what is not. For example, you may decide her height is acceptable although not preferable. And you may decide (and I hope you do) that mutual respect is non negotiable.
It is important to have breaks between conversations so to decide these things, evaluate and decide. It can be a very interesting process, the getting to know a woman. Once you get curious, you are motivated to proceed.
Try to accept the concept of slowly getting to know a woman, through calm conversations, over time, with breaks in between; try to accept it as something desirable, interesting.
anita
August 19, 2016 at 4:25 pm #112877
XenopusTexParticipantKind of falling back into old lifestyle, not sure what to do about it at the moment. Supposed to get a bunch of stuff resolved before I have to take a bunch of vacation time (use or lose).
Trying to figure out how to best tell the folks at the office that my dance card is more then full. It is 6:30pm on a Friday, and still at the office. Others are out doing whatever, and I am still here. I know hat I use work to try to cover up loneliness, but really swamped:/
Didn’t get a chance to meet her today.
August 19, 2016 at 8:34 pm #112885AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Isn’t there a way for you to … do what the others do when they get out of the office earlier? When they take their vacations? Swamped and stressed is not good for you. Hope you take your vacation time and not lose it.
And I hope that one day your home will not have your mother in there, that instead, one day, there will be a woman there of your choosing, one you will want to go home to.
anita
August 20, 2016 at 7:49 am #112906XenopusTexParticipantNot sure that an ultimatum would work. I have told her that she needs to find a place and nothing happens. Can’t really evict her, so, short of moving myself, not sure what to do.
I know this, that I feel like the scope of my life has shrunk quite a bit.
August 20, 2016 at 8:02 am #112907AnonymousGuestDear XenousTex:
You mean you cannot legally evict your mother?
And otherwise, she simply ignores your instruction that she moves out?
anita
August 23, 2016 at 11:10 am #113085XenopusTexParticipantBah, still no word. Haven’t run into her this week. A bit chaotic with stuff going on, and haven’t had time to do as much introspection as I would have liked. Too much work, too little time:/.
August 23, 2016 at 7:37 pm #113102AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Definitely too much work for you and too little time for anything else.
Take care!
anitaAugust 24, 2016 at 10:31 am #113143XenopusTexParticipantGot assigned to do a bunch of trial prep for stuff set out in a couple of weeks. Still working in dealing with the other projects.
Did not find her a lunch today. Thinking this may be a lost cause.
August 24, 2016 at 10:41 am #113147AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Maybe everything is a lost cause for as long as you are overwhelmingly busy with work- no time for any cause. Glad you are returning to your thread although you are so very busy.
anita
August 24, 2016 at 3:44 pm #113194XenopusTexParticipantOnly problem is that such has been the story of my life for about the last eight years. As noted, I probably had been hiding behind work. I had been trying to get out and meet folks, now feeling utterly buried.
Not really sure where to go next with the relationship thing.
August 24, 2016 at 8:25 pm #113204AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Now I am scratching my head (title of your thread), not knowing where to go from here. Don’t know… maybe I will have something to say tomorrow…
anita
August 25, 2016 at 7:02 am #113240
MichelleParticipantSo – actually, I think you do know but you don’t want to admit it to yourself as it involves facing up to some of the other issues you’re avoiding dealing with.
You are clearly a smart guy but this thread can’t help but remind me of the famous Einstein quote “Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”….( hopefully not too badly mis-quoted but you get the drift..
Logically, looking forwards, how do you believe you are you going to have both time and the mental capacity free for a relationship until you tackle some of the work and home situations you have. Even if things were going swimmingly well with this new lady it doesn’t sound like you’d have the time to enjoy it – or even practically your own private place to go to unless you plan on always going out / to hers. Way ahead of where you are, I get, but since you do sound like someone who likes to think things through – doesn’t it seem therefore a good idea to start working on some of those whilst seeing what happens on the relationship front.
Pretty much everybody I know in a healthy relationship met when they were both in a good place themselves – it certainly increases the chances and you can see by the number of other threads on this website how many people are in relationships they’d rather not be!
But it doesn’t mean you have to start with drastic changes – try just saying no to a single work over-time request. I know it’s great to feel needed/indispensable and that you also use it to hide as you mention – but you’d be amazed how small changes snowball into you feeling great about yourself – which funnily enough is amazingly attractive 🙂
Hope it helps – you sound like a really nice guy who’s genuinely trying, let us know how it goes.
August 25, 2016 at 9:46 am #113254AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
It is a strong draw, to keep doing what one has been doing- in your case, to overwork. The payoff is that there overworking it keeps you busy, there is a clear paycheck payoff to working (and maybe to overworking, as in more pay for the extra work), you know how to do the job, you have done it before.
On the other hand, changing your living arrangement- no longer living with your mother and meeting and getting to know a woman in the long process of a relationship- these are the things you haven’t done before.
So easier is what we have done before; difficult is what we haven’t.
I have done it; most people have… hey, I still do it. I go to tiny Buddha and neglect my paper work, day after day, because this is easier for me.
And so, you will do the other things when you are ready, just like I will do my paper work when I am ready.
anita
August 25, 2016 at 10:19 am #113256XenopusTexParticipantGuessing that it is probably a dead issue. Went out for my normal lunch walk and saw her eating lunch with somebody else, not from where she works. Oh well, kind of the story of my life with personal relationships.
Guess I will have to try to start over again.
August 25, 2016 at 10:37 am #113258AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Well, maybe the guy is not a love interest and you are inaccurately assuming he is.
And maybe she was interested in you but assumed you are not interested in her because of any reason, one of which may be you not pursuing her because you are working too much, too busy working, and you didn’t pursue her.
anita
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