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This topic has 189 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by XenopusTex.

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August 6, 2016 at 7:30 am #111671
Cognition
Participant
It sounds like you are going through a rough patch at the moment and I would suggest sorting that stuff out before getting into a relationship. When we are stressed (especially if it affects your home AND work life where you spend most of your time) both our emotional and intellectual capacity decreases. It will inevitabily lead to situations where you feel snappy, less empathetic, distant or my favourite, over thinking (you know that little voice in your head that doubts every move you make? That’s the one).

Relationships are wonderful especially in the honeymoon period but it also comes with a lot of stress because now you have doubled the problems with your interaction with each other as the added interest. If that woman you are talking to is going through a divorce, she probably have a few things to sort out herself as well.

One of my ex have a habit of jumping from one relationship to the next to distract herself from having to deal with her own issues. Those relationships (including ours) inevitably fail because you can’t cure cancer by getting your boyfriend to undertake chemo therapy. You should always keep your life in order before asking someone to move in. Otherwise you can meet the perfect person but you wouldn’t be able to keep her because you are not at a steady place. When that happens, your other problems will come back with a vengeance until your life hits a solid rock bottom. It’s the worst feeling in the world and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Cognition.
August 6, 2016 at 8:04 am #111675

Anonymous
Guest

Dear XenopusTex:

You mentioned before that you are sometimes aggressive at work, with verbal communication. And then you are passive at home, with your mother and passive with some others as well, accepting more responsibilities than you have to, as you wrote above, trying to please others.

Being assertive is a crucial skill in the field of Emotional Intelligence. If you were assertive with your mother she wouldn’t be standing at your door telling you about news you don’t want to hear, she wouldn’t be going through your personal things when you are at work; she wouldn’t be living there with you.

And so the aggressive, passive prosecutor is not assertive.

Social convention aside, in reality, I believe, you owe your mother nothing at all but a month notice to leave your house. She wasn’t a good mother to you and if I remember correctly, she wasn’t even present much in your life. You moved far away from her, and as you wrote, you were “stupid enough” to bring her over.

It is courage required of you, the courage to get her out of your house. Give her a Notice. What is the downside for you, if you give her a notice? Is it that people will disapprove? People in town? They are not paying your bills though, so what if they disapprove?

Is it that the people in your family will disapprvove? Why does it matter? What is the use of you working as hard as you do, earning descent money, if you feel powerless to decide who doesn’t live with you!

If you feel guilty about giving her Notice, well, you already feel crappy, might as well feel guilty and get her out. This way you will feel so much better later.

anita

August 6, 2016 at 10:14 pm #111747

XenopusTex
Participant

Well, the trip to IL is out because of vehicle issues. One the things about smallish town life is that when their is a vehicle issue on the weekend, you are kind of SOL. My 2009 Camry developed a bad vibration and controllability issue, I.e wandering all over. Tire pressure was fine, started late, got about 45 miles out of town and limped back. Was too late to make schedule with other vehicle.

Either have an internal tire failure up front or suspension/alignment issues. City streets are looking like moonscapes.

Had looked at another destination, just to get out of town, and because would be using her vehicle, she is worried about the nasty storms/hail in Montana, so that appears to be dead. Probably wouldn’t matter anyway, as I was told to expect calls while I was gone. That prediction seems to be correct. Just got two calls on case types I don’t work with tonight while I am supposedly on vacation.

One of the detectives I work with just got back middle of this week from his honeymoon up in Banff. That relationship I understand. Another detective is getting married in the next month to a woman who cheated on him, don’t get that. Lots of relationships amongst people I work with.

I can’t seem to get one off the ground. They do tend to be more cheerful than I am. But good grief, some of the folks yeesh. Why, male or female, hitch your wagon to somebody who has difficulty spelling words containing two or more letters. I also don’t know where people are finding persons for potential relationships in this town.

Perhaps maybe social events that I don’t have time for, I don’t know. In the nearly eight years I have been here, never attended any of the young professionals meetings out here, then just out of curiosity, I poked my head in one this year only to discover that I am about 2 years too old:p. They were always at inconvenient times, etc. Then I learned that some of the professional couples I have seen more or less met there. Whether or not my being present would have made a difference, who knows.

I admit that I am at a loss. There is a part of me that really hurts. Watching the days go by in loneliness and asking what am I missing.

I know I am very pessimistic and have worked on killing it off, but seems to be to no avail. I keep working on convincing myself that I should focus on my reaction to things, but that doesn’t seem to work either. I have worked on increasing patience and that doesn’t really seem to have helped either.

August 7, 2016 at 9:04 am #111760

Anonymous
Guest

Dear XenopusTex:

I had trouble understanding some of what you wrote: “Had looked at another destination, just to get out of town, and because would be using her vehicle, she is worried about the nasty storms/hail in Montana” Who is “she”?

You haven’t been responding to my posts to you for a while and I am wondering why. I suggested you contact the woman you had a lunch date with so to find out why an enthusiastic woman has not contacted you after the lunch but you didn’t respond to my suggestion. And in the last post I suggested you give your mother a notice to leave your house and you didn’t respond to that either.

anita

August 8, 2016 at 1:33 pm #111901

XenopusTex
Participant

I am sorry, had been venting. So wrapped up in work and stress that I wasn’t thinking all that well.

I don’t have any contact info for that woman other than a work email. I will have to see if I can run into her next week.

August 8, 2016 at 7:46 pm #111953

Anonymous
Guest

Dear XenopusTex:

Obviously, you are extremely busy. Hope you arrange to work less; that you contact the woman you had the lunch date with, get information as to what turned her enthusiasm to see you to … silence. I also hope that once you find a moment of peace, that you will resolve your living with your mother situation, have her live elsewhere, so that you can have peace in your own home.

anita

August 8, 2016 at 9:19 pm #111966

XenopusTex
Participant

I just realized that something didn’t make sense. If I truly disdained people, then why do I feel so lonely being single?

Spent several years telling myself and others that I just wasn’t a people person. That I am not that big on kids, etc. Hiding from interactions, etc.

this cognitive dissonance is adding more stress to my life than work is. Watching folks recently, to include many types of couples, had led me to believe that the problem is with me and how I react to things. Heck, I have kind of softened my outlook on kids.

My reactions and thought processes have kind of been ingrained for decades. Have kind of become a bitter grouchy person. A greying 38 year old, with a frown lines face, and minimal friends. I am tired of being that person.

I truly think that I could offer someone love, empathy, etc. but how do I convince someone of that? Or, better yet, how do I really convince myself?

August 9, 2016 at 7:21 am #111980

Anonymous
Guest

Dear XenopusTex:

You convince yourself and others that you are indeed a people person, that you are interested in healthy relationships with others by taking one small step at a time in a deliberate manner.

Contact the woman you had lunch with and find out the reason there is silence on her end after she was enthusiastic to have the lunch date with you. If she tells you she thought you were not interested because of the way you appeared or what you said, let her know that you are interested and that the way you appeared or talked has to do with years of having (not completely) given up on the prospect of having a healthy relationship.

Share a bit at a time about yourself with an interested party, like I hope the lunch date still is, or may be again.

Share a bit about how you feel, your thoughts, the cognitive dissonance you mentioned, and wait for the listener’s reaction. If it is positive, share some more. Also get to know more about her. Ask questions. Do so respectfully. Be humble, you are a beginner in this. Be prepared for a learning process.

Selectively, gradually, one step at a time, get involved with another. Evaluate, post here anytime (I will give you feedback) and proceed.

anita

August 10, 2016 at 9:40 am #112056

XenopusTex
Participant

I have done more thinking and looking at things, and have come to the conclusion that I can find and harp on the bad in just about everything. Guessing that this probably doesn’t endear me to people, and doesn’t make me feel good either.

August 10, 2016 at 10:04 am #112063

Anonymous
Guest

Dear XenopusTex:

You do ignore a lot of what I write to you. You simply don’t respond to my thoughts and suggestions much of the time and your next post following mine, often has nothing to do with what I wrote to you before, as if I didn’t.

I am having a conversation with you where often I am talking to myself and you are talking to yourself. This too is something for you to look into.

And let’s see: will you ignore this very post as well?

anita

August 10, 2016 at 10:53 am #112068

Michelle
Participant

Hey – new on here but had to join as wanted to reach out.

My take, you should be proud of yourself already for realising you don’t want to continue as is – that takes courage as change is difficult and means getting outside your comfort zones, taking risks and being unsure of outcomes. No getting around it with all the analysis and pre-thinking in the world. Same as in business, you will never know all the answers.

The trick I find is to build your confidence in your ability to bounce back in areas you feel vulnerable by taking small chances to start and then bigger as your comfort zone grows.

For example – you mention having minimal friends – how about starting just to aim to open up and grow one of those friendships or a new one if better – before jumping into trying for the whole relationship piece which is a whole different level of openness. You mentioned right at the start how at home you feel with guns – and I’m guessing from your description of where you live there must be several similar folk you could reach out to?

Perhaps similar with your family situation and home – clearly you are used to being tough at work but not in control in your own home, which has to be frustrating. How about taking a chance and turning down one request or stipulating that one evening a week, no TV/news.

Likewise at work – take a chance and turn down one of the requests for extra work, same as you have mentioned your colleagues do. There’s an excellent book, Road Less Travelled, where the guy describes this situation really well – eventually realising he is after all the one choosing to do the extra hours, for a variety of reasons, but his end choice.

Just a few thoughts, hoping you are coping ok – you sounded more than over-loaded.

August 12, 2016 at 10:07 pm #112273

XenopusTex
Participant

Anita, I am sorry, you are right. I had been responding without responding to your posts. I went back and re-read the thread.

You had asked if I was going to stay awake or go back to sleep. My objective is to stay awake. I have slipped a couple of times, especially when feeling overwhelmed.

With the new woman, I will locate her next week and talk.

You had asked what I meant by improving presentation. Lots of aspects to that. When I first started out here, I was impeccably dressed and even found an hour to hour and a half to hit the gym most days. As time went by, along with feelings of depression, I spent less time working out to the point of zero time, and became less picky about my appearance. Also working on improving my verbal and non-verbal communications.

Grabbing some sleep.

August 13, 2016 at 8:05 am #112277

Anonymous
Guest

Dear XenopusTex:

I do hope you rest your brain (and body). You do need rest. Can’t think right unless you are rested. You can keep doing automatically what you were doing before, when tired, but focusing and acting from awareness is very difficult when so tired.

Sleeping, going to the gym and coming back to a mother-free home. This is what I wish for you at this point. And then checking in with the lunch date.

Till your next post- please, take care of yourself, will you?

anita

August 13, 2016 at 9:09 pm #112290

XenopusTex
Participant

Got called to the office at 4:30am today. So much for rest, then spent time doing trial prep. Got an email who how people are too stressed to cover some of the stuff that I have going on in the office.

You are right that I need to get separation from mother. She’s now asking who I am calling, texting, etc. Really think that it is going to be me that moves, because I don’t see her actually moving. Not sure how that will look financially, but something has to give.

Will pursue that lunch date this week. You were right, I was thinking of all of the reasons why it wouldn’t work, and not why it would work.

I was thinking of the one big difference between my financial life/goals and relationship stuff. In the financial realm, I was thinking that I could do better than my family, in the relationship arena, not so much. Perhaps I should forgive myself for holding onto the self-sabotaging beliefs with regard to relationships.

Does it really matter if she isn’t the “ideal” height or family status? She seems really smart, and is well educated. Despite her recent apparent mistake of judgment, I would like to be in a relationship with her. At least she only made a mistake for a few years :p

Will try to take care of myself, eat better, etc. Read a decent chunk of the book emotional intelligence 2.0 today. Interesting book.

August 14, 2016 at 8:56 am #112310

Anonymous
Guest

Dear XenopusTex:

You mentioned the lunch date made an apparent mistake with the choice of the husband she is now divorcing. We all make mistakes and keep making mistakes. Best we can is minimize the chances of future mistakes by being aware and prevent them. Better prevent than waste all that time after the fact. You made the mistake of letting your mother move in with you and look at the consequences…? So lean toward forgiving others for making mistakes as well as forgiving yourself.

As far as separating from your mother: why not have her move out? If it is legally doable, why not do that? Stand up to her. Have her move out. There is the possibility of you moving out- sad to me. I prefer her moving out because it is YOUR home. And she said it was temporary. So she should move out.

But separation either way is a good idea. And don’t repeat that mistake- no more family members in your home please.

When you get emails about other people being stressed at work while work is being piled up on your plate, tell them so, tell them to deal with their stress better because there is only so much work you should do. You area human too!

The lunch date woman- she was so enthusiastic seeing you, I am thinking she may think you are not interested. This is why I recommended you contact her, to let her know (how busy you have been and) that you are interested.

anita
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