Hi Hannah,

I will share a quote with you, that I have shared with others..as it is very true..”never beg for love, attention, respect, as if it not given freely, it is not worth having.

I think at this point, he is confused and struggling, because you are pleading and begging with him, and then telling him “you want to die”. I understand he is your first love, but right now you telling him “you need him”, crying, being silent, then begging him, telling him you want to die is overwhelming him and it is only going to further push him away.

What you want to do right now, if focus, on learning to love yourself and having a life “outside of him. You don’t “need him”. You need to learn to need yourself and love your own company. Nothing is forever. Boyfriends, come and go, friends come and go, unfortunately, it is hard, and in the end, we only have ourselves. Men want a strong independent woman who has both male and female friends, they don’t want drama, intensity, emotional outbursts. They don’t want to deal with it. They want a woman who won’t smother them, or be clingy, or say they want to die.

Focus on something outside of him that makes **you** happy. You mentioned church. Is there bible study groups, or volunteer work you can get involved in? Do you have some friends you can go out to dinner with? See a movie with? Do you like animals? Can you volunteer at an animal sanctuary a few hours a week, or a soup kitchen? Don’t make a man your whole world of life, they will sense your neediness and it will drive him away.

At this time, have very little contact with him. Show him your strength and independence, and you can be fine without him, chances are he will see a change in you, and he may change his attitude toward you. Right now, he is confused, overwhelmed, distraught. Just give him some space and work on what makes you happy.

Dear Hannah:

I feel sad about your state of mind and his, as I read your post. You are both in trouble, it reads to me, and yet, unable to help each other. The problem I see, on your end, is not taking responsibility for your feelings. You give him the responsibility that is yours.

Your distress is acute, I understand that. I experienced that. Thing is, he can’t fix it. He can’t make it okay. Neither is he the cause of your distress.

When you feel so much intense distress often enough, you have to share it with a boyfriend/ a partner in moderation because it is too much for a person to handle. Same for him.

In a therapist’s office, I suppose, you can unload all your distress there. A competent therapist studied and should know how to deal with it, how to be detached. Reads to me that your boyfriend was overwhelmed with your distress and didn’t know what to do.

Share in moderation, taking responsibility for your feelings (meaning not expressing to him that it is his job- or within his ability to resolve for you). Avoid frequent extreme expressions as you feeling like dying.

anita

Hi Hannah,

I was just thinking about you, and hoping things are getting better? Feel free to post anytime.