Dear Lealea:

In the work Christmas party you attended, alcohol was served. You drank and so did many other people, maybe all the people who attended. You don’t remember the other people acting unacceptably, do you? Likely they don’t remember you acting unacceptably. When drinking people feel pretty good, not in the mood to look for faults in others. Drinkers tend to feel affection for others (hence the “I love you” to strangers), not anger and condemnation. It is not likely that the other party goers were attentive to what-is-Lealea doing-wrong.

When we are anxious about how others see us and what they think about us, we are cautious, careful, trying to be in as much self control as possible, so to not let that inside person misbehave. When we drink, or otherwise feeling temporarily happy and spontaneous, we forget to keep tight control over ourselves. Later on, when we sort of, wake up from that temporary happiness, we worry:  oh,  oh, what did I do wrong???

We have this delusion that there is an out-of-control, untrustworthy person inside us that will do wrong if let loose. Is this your experience?

anita

Dear Lealea:

“I  keep wondering when I’m ever going to grow up into this strong woman that doesn’t care what others think. I’m hoping it comes with age”- no, it doesn’t happen with age. I was as “tightly wound” as you and it didn’t change when I got older. All that getting older does is add to the list of worries of what others think of me: they must be thinking I look so old… And they must be thinking I should have done better in my life being as old as I am.. and so forth.

“any suggestions on things I could do to get more confident and say to hell with them?”-

-a bit at a time, “let loose and be me” a little at a time in a social context. Over time build on it, extend the time you let loose and be you.

In therapy, did you talk to your therapist about how and why you had to be wound up as a child, how it was dangerous somewhat to let loose and be you?

anita

Hey

Dear Lealea

I hope this is helpful to you. So much of overcoming social anxiety is just about staying focused over the long term. It’s just like how a small stream of water can carve a huge canyon, if given enough time.

Quote I’m Thinking About:

“Anything that is worth doing is worth doing poorly.” – G.K. Chesterton

Okay, this applies to me sending out this newsletter a day late 😀 … but also to social anxiety!

Imagine someone named Bill who is a big loner now. And he doesn’t reach out to others or make new connections… because he’s afraid those people will judge him! So he stays lonely.

It’s a vicious circle.

Or imagine Christine… who doesn’t start conversations with people (classmates/coworkers/etc) because she’s afraid to make an awkward silence. Because of this, she continues being socially awkward because of her lack of social experience.

percaya diri

Another vicious circle!

So the way out of these vicious circles is… by doing things poorly. This means talking to people even when you must suffer through dreaded awkwardness and heart-pounding anxiety. “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” It’s a powerful idea. Take it and use it.

Stop the inner talk!

Next time you’re in a social situation and don’t know what to say… I want you to notice that you’re actually talking a lot! The problem is that you’re only talking to yourself in your head! And when you talk to yourself, it pushed you out of the “real world” and deep into a separate world inside your mind.

So I highly recommend you STOP this inner talk, at least when you’re around people.

By cutting off the inner chatter, it will redirect your focus back in the real world. Whenever I am feeling left out of a group conversation, I will do this. I notice that I’m talking to myself and cut it out. Instead I put my focus outward, observing what other people are saying and the environment with all my attention.

And when I do this, after a minute or two, a good thing to say will always suddenly come to me. It may be an observation about what’s going on, it may be a question sparked by my curiosity, it may be my opinion about what someone just said.

It’s something magic that happens when you cut off the inner dialogue and put your focus into the real world. Try it and see for yourself.

stop phobia

Wish you the best!