Hi Chelsea

I am sorry to hear about your abuse. It is not a pleasant situation for anyone to be in.

Unfortunately, you cant change the past. But what you can do is forgive yourself truly. Forgive yourself for feeling the pain for this long and let go of the incident / cousin. If you believe in karmic philosophy, you will come to realise that some painful incidents happen in our life for a pre-determined reason, which could be coming from the past life (not current birth) You have no control over it.

You can heal your own sacral chakra (2nd) by sending love and healing. Feel the chakra in your hands (sitting upright with eyes closed) and send white light (divine light) to the chakra and see it unfold and all the blackness disappear. You can do it for 10 mins or so. What will help the most is if you send healing and love to your 6th and 7th chakra as well. Your will feel the illumination with time and practice but it will come.

I would love to hear your happy news when you are ready and feeling awesome.

Positive vibes your way,

J

Chelsea,

It seems to me like you’re so very close to letting it heal, letting it go. Consider for a moment that the experience was so vibrant for you, so difficult and confusing, that it “flashed” inside your chakra. Much like Mark’s skillful pointing that we carry traumas within us. So, as you remember it now, you’re relating to it as the older Chelsea, and feel disbelief. But that’s not who was there… it was a different (but obviously connected) being. You’ve grown since then, come to understand and protect yourself much better.

Is it really that bewildering that a young Chelsea wasn’t prepared to fend off a bully in that way? There’s no need to resent her, hate her… she was doing the best she knew how with what she knew. It can become especially difficult if the body experiences pleasure and/or orgasm, because penetration can be physically pleasurable, even when its emotionally painful. When I began healing from my own sexual abuse, accepting that I felt pleasure was one of the toughest parts. Very normal, very usual, very lovable. Its a simple thing to look back and judge the young chelsea as this or that, but that is not fair of us. Look at how much smarter, stronger and alert we are now! Judging her based on your current strength? Absurd! Instead, we can offer her compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

To the young Chelsea: I’m so sorry, dear daughter, for all the difficulty and pain you’re experiencing. I’m so glad you hid deep inside, in a place where no one can touch us without our permission, given freely, without pressure or violence. Stay there as long as you need, until you feel safe, ready, and loved. That space will always be a sacred garden that will only open when you wish it to. I wish the older version of Chelsea was there to protect you, because she is such a strong form of the goddess, and would definitely have prevented any harm… but for now, hide, cry, rest, and wait for the older Chelsea to wake you up and set you free.

Back to now, consider that there is no stain upon your brow, dear friend. Said differently, its not about deserving to find joy in the bedroom with your boyfriend… of course you deserve it… its about being afraid that you’re unlovable because of what you’ve done. That’s just fear, and is a paper tiger, a puff of smoke, nothing, empty. It perhaps remains convincing only because you cower from it still, but if you even poke at it, the whole of it can collapse.

That being said, there’s no need to take my word on it. If you have the curiosity, consider checking some sexual abuse survivor communities on the web. The “abuse to shame” cycle is very common. Said differently, if the sexual abuse were like an inhaled breath, the shame is the feeling of pressure as you hold the breath in. All you really have to do is breathe it out, forgive yourself, accept yourself, and let it go… woosh, be done with it. And goodness gracious, dear sister, I hope you do.

With warmth,
Matt