Aaron,

I’m empathetic to your struggles, and can understand path jumping. Sometimes when we live a lot in the mind, such as racing thoughts, dreams, imagining “multiple scenarios” and so forth, we become drained, disconnected from our environment, and lost. Don’t despair, dear brother, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that the solution to the puzzle is often that we just have to experience whats around us more directly, rather than know/analyze/envision. The way my teacher said it was: we have to give up being entertained by our thoughts. This is when our environment lights up, because we’re paying attention, tending it. When we slip into mental cycling, our attention is on the visions, fantasies, potentials… and so our precious creativity pours out through imagining solutions, reactions, and actions if such and such and so and so were to become true. Said differently, as we race and race inside our mind, we use up our strength. And that is unneeded.

Drained? Depressed? Of course, dear brother, that makes perfect sense. Imagine someone saying “I just ran a marathon, and I don’t get why my legs are tired.” It is much the same when we say “my mind races all the time, and for some reason I’m tired.” It is not surprising that from that space, all you really want is to find your wings and fly, be free. Said differently, you hope to find your passion, and work independently and with freedom to nourish yourself and your loved ones. Consider that what you’re seeking is perhaps home, feeling safe, relaxed.

This could have been agitated, poked at, when you received your diagnoses, because if even your own body is unsafe, capable of betrayal, then how could you trust anything or anyone? This is a normal part of grief, and coming to terms with impermanence can sometimes help. Consider that the pre-diabetes Aaron is dead, gone, the past. Let him go, its OK. This new Aaron has some maintenance issues, but is also much more awake. Its normal to resist such changes, try to ignore them, keep going. With all that mental energy cycling, its much like a semi plowing down a highway. A sign comes up “diabetes, exit left” but it takes you awhile to put on the brakes, and so months pass before you actually let your course change.

The good news is that while there is a lot to learn, its actually a really fun journey. You are exploring yourself now, your path to joy, which quickly begins to blossom. For instance, with the diabetes, there are changes to your life that require attention, but as you give them your attention, they become status quo, and don’t feel scary. So they simply become part of the flow, uninteresting. Much like my 4 year old daughter makes a big deal about pooping on the potty because it is stressful, new. But, for us its just part of the maintenance, uninteresting usually. As you stabilize, accept, and adjust, whatever changes to diet, exercise, and accessories are required now, the stress of it naturally settles, and it becomes uninteresting, unconcerning. That is, of course, as you let go and abandon the old Aaron.

To aim and settle the racing mind is actually very simple, and is all about self nurturing. Consider that your body and mind are a precious garden that needs tender, loving attention to blossom. This helps us “find our passion” as a byproduct, but the main intention is simply being happy, joyous. Self nurturing is what helps our body remember that it is cared for, tended, valued. Maybe not by everyone, but certainly by some, including ourselves. So we hop in a bathtub, listen to some soft music, get a massage, go for a walk in nature… whatever our body needs to relax, unwind, unclench, let go. We set down the past, set down the future, and just give ourselves the space to be silent, peaceful.

My favorite of these is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm, loving friendship that rises in our chest area, and is something we can intentionally grow. Buddha taught that metta was a way of settling the mind quickly, letting it become smooth, fluid, rested. When we sit and focus our attention and intention on wishing ourselves and others happiness, safety and peace, the mind unwinds, releases its fears. Then, because we feel better, lighter, settled, as we reengage with the outside world, it glows more brightly. Said differently, when we spend time settling the spin, clearing the fog, more of our attention is on the present, and so we have a much better connection to our environment (which is where all the information is).

Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested. Also, if it interests you, local Buddhist sanghas often have meditation classes that are low cost or free.

Finally, don’t forget to be patient. Things take time to grow, settle, blossom. Sometimes when we’re scared of “falling back into it”, we push ourselves too hard, like obsessing about the seeds we’ve planted. Just trust yourself, your loving intentions are good seeds, and they just need some time and space and sun and rain. Said differently, finding a career that is lasting will unfold naturally as you find and maintain your own needs… balanced body, peaceful mind and so forth. Obsessing about “what to do next in my life” is not as needed as “what do I do next for my body and mind”. The former is revealed by the latter. Namaste, brother, may you find your joy and heartsong.

With warmth,
Matt

Aaron,

You’re welcome. If the words were received well, perhaps really consider some metta meditation. Even doing it once may produce a ton of relief, but often it takes a few before the warmth is strong, rooted. At first, its a little flicker during the meditation, then lasts a few moments after, then 10 mins, etc. Be patient! I believe in you!

With warmth,
Matt