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  • December 22, 2015 at 7:47 pm #90332
    strong2015
    Participant

    I wrote a while back:

    Conflicted

    And received some insightful advice. My situation unfortunately ended with my boyfriend and I breaking up. After many talks he confessed not to being committed to the relationship. After a couple of months he made himself completely vulnerable and was very brave and came back and told me that we were what he wanted and that ‘he was all in’. In that moment I felt scared and out of my depth. We’d been through so much but I didn’t know how to reconcile it or most importantly to feel secure with where we had got to. So I asked for us to work on the baggage we each were carrying before we could go forward. For him to work through his feelings of not feeling good enough etc. I told him to come back to me once he had. We didn’t speak for a couple of months and I still missed him like crazy. I ended up ringing him and he was angry, he felt like I had pushed him away and he felt unworthy. I have a tremendous amount of guilt from this and I apologised, I never meant to hurt him and explain how scared I was of being hurt. His response has really made me think. He said I always ask the right questions but he was found wanting. That we have to learn to appreciate what we have/had.That he never offered enough for me and I would never sell myself short. That I am righteous, principled and eminently capable. That I was the best of us.

    I found those words very hard to take. I feel like as Anita pointed out previously I somehow have put myself on a pedestal, positioning him as the weak one and he felt judged. I hate the way I have made him feel and I don’t want to be someone that people consider righteous. I’m not perfect and I tried to be open with him on my fears etc but any advice on how to make sure I don’t do this in my next relationship?

    December 23, 2015 at 8:53 am #90405
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Strong2015:

    I read some of our many communications this past summer. I agree that you put yourself on a pedestal looking down at him as the weak one, the one that needs to shape up and that is basically what you told him, to shape up and come back to you when he is … good enough. You basically told him to make himself good enough and when he is, to reconnect with you.

    You read through your posts like an intelligent, insightful woman and you can deliver very good talks, insightful of other people and at times, of yourself. But then you get scared. And when you get scared you are “out of your depth” you wrote. I am not familiar with that term (English not being my first language may be a reason) so looking at the term with a beginner’s mind, it makes sense to me this way:

    When you get scared, you lose your intelligence and insight and you go to the surface of your … mental strength: GO AWAY. When you are not scared, you can come up with very impressive speeches, very strong.. but when you are scared, all bets are off, and your message is simply, Go Away!

    Strength in the face of fear. Being strong when afraid, what a concept. When afraid you FOCUSED on him, he has to shape up, be good enough, that is the SURFACE I referred to, you no longer attended to the DEPTH of you shaping up, of you healing and evolving. You did what most of us do: Your problem, You fix it. Let me know when it is fixed. Then we WAIT (A passive, easy activity) instead of doing the WORK that needs to be done.

    Next relationship, watch for what happens when you are afraid. Watch what happens before you are aware of being afraid. Take a Beginner’s Mind approach: talk to the guy like you are a five year old, in a sense, NOT KNOWING EVERYTHING. Be humble, be okay with not knowing. Look for your way in the dark, and be thrilled with every little light you discover there. “Oh, I didn’t really know this about myself, how fascinating!” kind of light.

    anita

    December 29, 2015 at 4:44 pm #90868
    strong2015
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. As hard as it is I’ve had to swallow my pride and take a hard look at the image of myself that both you and him have reflected back to me. And I see a lack of humility mixed with insecurity and fear. I was more focused on his fears, not seeing that it was my own fears messing with my head. Time has made me see I only want to believe the best in myself. The reality is, I was looking for a way to make things perfect and I had to have things done my way. That shows me I wasn’t ready for the relationship. The only thing I can be grateful for is that this has pushds me done a path where I’m going to have to make myself ready if I’m ever to have the relationship/partnership I want to have.

    Any other words of wisdom are most welcome. I had thought of sharing the above with my ex but I don’t want to upset him. I have apologised for how I acted but only now am I daring myself to allow this experience to alter my view. I suppose the question is does he need to know that?

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by strong2015.
    December 29, 2015 at 5:17 pm #90870
    strong2015
    Participant

    This poem seem to fit. The need for my heart to grow and reconcile to it’s feasts of losses.

    The Layers- Stanley Kunitz (1905-2006)

    I have walked through many lives,
    some of them my own,
    and I am not who I was,
    though some principle of being
    abides, from which I struggle not to stray.
    When I look behind,
    as I am compelled to look
    before I can gather strength
    to proceed on my journey,
    I see the milestones dwindling
    toward the horizon
    and the slow fires trailing
    from the abandoned camp-sites,
    over which scavenger angels
    wheel on heavy wings.
    Oh, I have made myself a tribe
    out of my true affections,
    and my tribe is scattered!
    How shall the heart be reconciled
    to its feast of losses?
    In a rising wind
    the manic dust of my friends,
    those who fell along the way,
    bitterly stings my face.
    yet I turn, I turn,
    exulting somewhat,
    with my will intact to go
    wherever I need to go,
    and every stone on the road
    precious to me.
    In my darkest night,
    when the moon was covered
    and I roamed through wreckage,
    a nimbus-clouded voice
    directed me:
    “Live in the layers,
    not on the litter.”
    Though I lack the art
    to decipher it,
    no doubt the next chapter
    in my book of transformations
    is already written,
    I am not done with my changes.

    December 29, 2015 at 7:13 pm #90875
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear strong:

    “yet I turn, I turn,
    exulting somewhat,
    with my will intact to go
    wherever I need to go…
    no doubt the next chapter
    in my book of transformations
    is already written
    I am not done with my changes.”

    Only I don’t believe it is already written. You will be writing it as you go along into the next chapter.

    Notice: you are more aware of how you operate, your fears and how you dealt with it. You are aware of where you went wrong, what you did that was ineffective. BUT other people, those you will meet, the next guy will not be perfect just as your ex boyfriend was not perfect. He will have to work on his stuff. Individually and together, he and you will have to figure things out. A process. My point is: it wasn’t only you that was the problem in your last relationship and it will not be so in the next. Each party of the partnership will have to take individual responsibility for feelings and behaviors, practice honest communication, empathy, respect to the other.

    It will not be a good idea for you to apologize to the ex any more than you have. If you were to talk to him, I would not again apologize and I will not take responsibility for what I am NOT responsible for. Be careful not to go too far on the responsibility continuum. When you take responsibility for your stuff, do it in a way that expresses RESPECT for yourself. Do not put yourself down. Ever.

    anita

    December 30, 2015 at 1:52 am #90898
    strong2015
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, you have a way of putting everything in perspective which is so valuable.

    December 30, 2015 at 8:32 am #90910
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Strong:

    You are welcome. Post anytime and Happy New Year!
    anita

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