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Responding to someone's tragedy

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  • December 14, 2016 at 6:32 am #122677
    Lianna Gomori
    Participant

    Hello Tiny Buddha Community,

    Yesterday I was talking with my neighbor, whom I often chat with. We have a friendly relationship.
    When I asked about her plans for the holidays, she mentioned that she had lost her only son a few years ago. She does not really celebrate the holidays anymore.

    I was so saddened in the moment by this quick sharing, I was not sure how to respond. I know there is nothing I can say or do that will truly lessen that sadness, but I also want to provide whatever support or compassion as a fellow human that I can.

    Does anyone have tips or strategies that they use to extend compassion when someone shares a tragedy?

    With gratitude,
    Lianna

    December 14, 2016 at 6:43 am #122679
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lianna:

    I don’t have a strategy. When she shared that, you felt something, sadness, surprise, distress for not knowing what to say. If you expressed those very feelings to her in a few words: “I am so sorry. I didn’t know…so sad to hear… don’t know what to say.. wish there could be something I could say to help.”

    You can, if you want, initiate another talk with her, invite her over for coffee and such…

    anita

    December 14, 2016 at 9:13 am #122691
    Peter
    Participant

    I think in the moment it is best to be present.

    Allowing the moment to be about her and not about not about knowing what to say. (Which too many people fill with platitudes and stories of their own losses.)

    A touch often says more than words could. A gift left at the door could be nice way of saying you heard and see her. Isn’t that what really all want when we’re hurting, to be seen and heard?

    December 14, 2016 at 5:06 pm #122742
    Mimi
    Participant

    If you’d like to do something more for her, just to show you are thinking of her, you could buy her some cookies or chocolates and attach a nice card.

    Or if you want to get more involved, you could invite her over for lunch or tea or take her out for lunch. She would probably enjoy some company, if you have time for that or would enjoy it yourself.

    December 20, 2016 at 8:46 am #123084
    Lianna Gomori
    Participant

    Thank you, everyone, for your responses.

    My takeaways are:

    1. to be generous with listening
    2. to be careful to see and hear the other person and be with them in that moment rather than worrying about my reaction
    3. to consider opportunities to extend a random act of kindness.

    This is very helpful and makes a lot of sense.

    With gratitude,
    Lianna

    December 20, 2016 at 9:24 am #123094
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Lianna. Thank you for your gracious, clearly stated response. Post anytime.
    anita

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