Hello, this is my first time in the forums. I have questions about relationships.

I’m 25. I’m a virgin in many ways; never had sex, never had a relationship, never had a date, I don’t go to social events, I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, but I’d support your rights to do all these things the way you’d like!

I have grown up in a really abusive household, I did not realize anything was wrong until I was 20. My parents are narcissists, dialed up to eleven. I think I’m severely stunted/damaged, and I am unashamed of it at this point, but I want to change. If you think about what you’d be like if you grew up in a cult or a mafia, that’s what it was like.

I have read up, and most of the self-help sites assume you’re in middle-age, and already have a marriage or a committed relationship, and rely heavily on your relationships as tools to heal. I grew up in a real effed up house. Real bad. I don’t really want a relationship at this point, I want to be independent and forget about my parents.

But I have read that relationships are “arenas to heal,” and provide emotional support, but also that it should be two independent people wanting to give love of themselves to a partner. I don’t have an inherent desire for sex or a partner, but I do want to heal and move on, and it seems like most people, even damaged people have relationships.

I know it sounds melodramatic or like a cry for attention, but it’s not: since figuring out my childhood was terribly abusive and my parents narcissists, I do not have a reference point for things that “normal” people seem to take for granted, like love. I’m not even sure if love is what will help my emotional problems or if I’ve ever felt it, or if that even matters. I know society puts a high premium on love, but I don’t know if that’s actually appropriate. I don’t know if my goals are worthwhile anymore. Currently my goal is to get a job so I can be independent, but my emotional problems significantly affect my productivity. A longer term goal is I want to write a book telling my “story” so others will know about my parents. Beyond that I’m not sure.

Would a relationship help me, specifically to be productive, or get out of depression, and if so, I don’t have a good understanding of what a relationship is. It’s dubious if anyone has a concrete definition. There’s the idea that love is caring about another person, but frankly it creeps me out when someone cares about me. I neither like to be touched or signs of affection, these were used to manipulate me and they make me want fight or run. I had the kind of parents who’d look at you like a tiger looks at prey, and the sweet voices that’d come out of their mouths were so dissonant from their looks and actions it was like a horror movie.

I want to move on, but I feel as if I need to have a relationship with a healthy person to move on, but at the same time I don’t think I could have what would qualify as a relationship. And like I said, most help assumes you’re already in a relationship and middle-aged. What can I do if I’m young, never had a relationship, and don’t want one?