First of all I am 29 very soon to be 30, I am a neurotic mess and I wonder if it is better if one is better off being ignorant of their own “madness.” A little background on myself I am an introverted thinker, have had trouble getting what I “want” in life due to anxiety or lack of true self knowledge of myself or it may be that I am lazy or have trouble committing I do not know anymore. I enjoy reading and learning particularly on philosophy, psychology, spirituality I seem to be looking for that great life changing “idea.” I have followed various recommendations from these, but just have a hard time sticking to it. I am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist so I am not opposed to getting professional help. I am self employed as a handyman/home improvement/property management, and have had trouble kicking the habit of smoking pot. Every girl I have ever dated has initiated it with me. Now the history leading to the situation.

About 8 summers ago I found a note on my car windshield, “Hey Mike call me” and a number but no name so I had to call to find out who it was and it had peaked my interest because I had broken up with my girlfriend months prior and hadn’t had much contact with girls so to me maybe it was someone who was interested. So I called the number and it was a girl call her “Erica” I graduated with and only really knew her through other friends of mine that she was friends with. She forgot she even called me, but said it would be cool to hang out and we did, I met her one night as she walked her dog and we talked. We began hanging out more just as friends until after about 3 months we took it to the next level. And from then on we have been off and on ever since.

All my life I have had a struggle with my sexuality and it started when I was a child. Not sure why and I don’t think anyone knows but I developed an interest in other boys, but I still thought of girls as cute, pretty whatever. At some point I told my mom that I was gay as a little boy she told me that I wasn’t old enough to make that decision. Once I hit puberty I did what boys do, don’t think I need to go into detail but I did start off thinking of girls, but then realized that they didn’t turn me on as much as thinking about boys. Eventually I found myself to be “wrong” because other boys are taught to be off limits and made myself stop and it went away for awhile. Went into high school and had my first experience with a girl and I wasn’t really all attracted to some aspects, but it felt regardless. At some points the thoughts returned and I would put them away by looking for a girlfriend harder, telling myself that a girlfriend will take my mind and other things off of other boys.

Three summers ago while working cutting grass I was listening to the audiobook “Be Yourself, Everyone else is taken” by Mike Robbins. I listen to audiobooks while doing mindless work to learn and pass the time. In the book he talks about how you need to let others in on who you really are and how being “fake” not only hurts yourself, but causes serious problems in relationships. It was like an epiphany I felt like it was time for me to come clean about why I couldn’t maintain an interest in Erica to her. That night we went out to dinner and afterward we laid in bed. Tears filled my eyes and I said, “Erica you know how I am always off and on? Well the reason is because I question my sexuality.” She was confused she knew me for 5 years very well and never in her mind would she have thought such a thing. Obviously she inquired more into it, “So are you confused, bi, or gay? Like do you want to be with guys?” I answered that it seemed to me that I wanted to be with guys because it was such a recurring theme in my life. By the end of the night we felt really close to each other, but then at some point it hit her that this meant we couldn’t be together and accused me of lying to her for years and wasting her time on me.

After telling her that she would purposely do things to try and to see if it would get a sexual reaction out of me and and eventually it worked because I wasn’t getting it anywhere else. Then we were just friends with benefits. She would get mad though if I brought up anything about being gay or questioning myself. I was still hot and cold toward her as well.

Last february (2013) my sister was getting married in the Bahamas, I was unsure on whether to ask Erica to go with me or not. I asked 3 weeks before and she said it wasn’t enough time for her so she didn’t come. We were still hanging out and what not, when she became unusually quiet for 3 days. She called me, “I just wanted to let you know so you didn’t find out some other way that I have a boyfriend now.” I was taken aback I had just been with her 4 days ago and I knew how she was she isn’t the type to two time, “okay? Well who is it? Do I know him?”
“I didn’t want to tell you, but it is so and so” then she hung up because of my reaction, it was a guy I knew.

I went through some difficult times very up and down, but I told myself that now I can be who I am then to I want to die. It was a blow to my ego. I went to the Bahamas where I had fun, got drunk, but still at times wanted to die when I thought about what she was doing with her new guy. On the Bahamas I came out to my Dad and brother, I had already came out to my sister when she was asking me why it didn’t work out with Erica. I made a promise to myself that when I got home that I would change my life.

When I got home I started dating guys, so it was becoming real I was gay. Everything though was a knee jerk reaction every anti-gay article or comment hit me and I would say, “This is crazy Mike, you are not gay!” It wasn’t so easy. About a week or two after I got back Erica contacted me through a text saying, “Just thought you would want to know it didn’t work out.” I felt fine with my homosexuality and had no intentions of ever getting back with her I just said, “Sorry to hear that, I hope you are doing alright.” I then became her shoulder to cry on. I have always been into working out and fitness and she wanted me to train her so she started working out with me at the gym, but that was it. I was finding it hard to date guys, finding good ones because they all wanted one thing. One day after the gym, I jokingly said, “Take off your shirt” and she did then that led to more.

It was what it was though, it wasn’t meant to be with us was the verdict and we were still off and on for the remainder of time until my birthday. I had taken myself off of my meds and I wanted to take a solo trip, telling my friends and family this they had a reaction like I was going to kill myself, I wasn’t. She contacted me to stir some stuff up a few days prior but I was giving her crap back I didn’t want to be with her so didn’t want to be all nice, but the big one was when she compared me to her ex bf saying that he was bigger and better than me, and that really struck a nerve so I flipped out being off of my meds made it hard to hold my temper in and needless to say I scared the person who was in my passenger seat. She asked me what I would do if I got her pregnant, and I said “I would kill myself” because I didn’t think she could be and knew it would be a mistake. She then sent me a picture of a positive pregnancy test saying she was just being like that because she was scared. That calmed me down real fast, rather than wanting to kill myself I felt I had a great responsibility. She came on the trip with me and we had fun, I figured there was no reason to worry about getting her pregnant since she already was so it was like fire at will.

I felt I had to marry her, because she didn’t want a kid out of wedlock and I don’t want her to abort the baby unless she wanted to I didn’t want that on my hands. I told her that we would look for rings, she said, “Don’t take me to look at rings and get my hopes up like you always do and not do it and don’t do it just because I am having your baby.” I lied. I took my time getting the ring and she was starting to wonder, eventually gave it to her having second thoughts that I kept to myself. Of course we had to do the circuits and post it to Facebook, we didn’t tell anyone about the baby though. Not sure when exactly I found out, but the pregnancy test she showed me wasn’t hers, she just sent it to me because I said I would kill myself if she was then she decided to go with it once she saw the change in me.

Eventually she started her period so she didn’t end up being pregnant, she told me she was sad that she wasn’t she was beginning to like the idea. Everything again fell apart. It was hard to say goodbye that time, I really could see the hurt in her eyes. Weeks passed by and she called me this time she really was pregnant. I had to do right, her mom smoked so she moved in with me, I had to kick my roommate out and I was very resentful. We were again engaged with no sure date of when to marry. What were we thinking? What was I thinking? I seemed so sure of myself, so sure of the fact that I could do what I needed to do and stop the back and forth of my sexuality and life.

Now we are here less than a month away, a baby boy on his way. Just recently we got into arguments about my sexuality and what is going to happen when the baby arrives. We both saw therapists. Mine seems to think that my problems (increased anxiety and depression) stem from me being gay and in a really tough situation. He said that the reason I smoke pot seems to be the only way I am able to get pleasure right now. I know that it is going to be awhile before anything is done about us, the baby is #1 and I want to be a part of raising him in those precious first months to years when he learns who his parents are and that he can depend them. She knows this and won’t leave because besides the fact I am supporting her financially 100%.

I know this is a long, long post but my questions are these. Could my sexuality struggle be purely neurotic? Should I do what is “right” marry her have a family with her and not think about “what if” and stay away from anything that arouses my homosexual fantasies? It seems like wishful thinking as I have tried over and over and failed. If not is there any way to still give my son the life and father he needs in order for him to not develop his own problems stemming from a poor father/son relationship? Wouldn’t staying in an unhappy relationship also hurt me son? Obviously there will then come a point when she will probably be with another man and maybe even I will be, what if my son resents me and chooses this other man over me or sees me as a freak or is treated as the black sheep by her new family? Is there anyway to turn this situation in to one that won’t cause him great difficulty? I just need all around unbiased advice, I greatly appreciate it cause I basically wrote a book here! So thank you for taking the time to read and respond!
Mike

• This topic was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Mike.
• This topic was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Mike.