Dear Quala:

I will respond to your recent post, but first, I will re-read what you shared so far on the first page of your thread and comment as I go along (it helps me understand better when I do that):

“his dad made fun of my appearance with my big eyes and thinness“- when I first read this, it made me wonder: the image of big eyes and thinness looks good to me (in my mind’s eye), so, I was wondering what’s to make fun about that?

Of course. there is no good reason to make fun of anyone for the way they look: be it for having big eyes or small eyes, being thin or overweight, short or tall, etc.

“My family is a shy type and not good at socializing“- being shy and not good at socializing is not something someone is born with (it is not genetic). Babies are born not shy at all, and very social (reaching out for contact with the mother). Because of events through childhood, or because of what a child is taught, the child becomes shy and withdraws from other people.

If you consider yourself shy and not good at socializing, and you want to change it to any extent- you can, a bit at a time, through learning and practice.

“My father doesn’t like my boyfriend’s father because he believes that he is arrogant“- maybe your boyfriend’s father is arrogant, but maybe he appears arrogant to your father because he is not shy. Shy people (like your father)  often envy other people who… dare to do the things they don’t dare to do, like to talk freely, to laugh loudly, to take charge of a situation, etc.

Maybe you think that if you are not shy, it means that you are arrogant… Maybe you too envy people who are not shy… (?)

“I’m ashamed of my appearance and our tiny house“- Imagine no longer feeling shame over your appearance or your tiny house. It is possible. Can you imagine it?

“I don’t understand if my boyfriend’s parents really like me“- and imagine that you really like yourself so much that.. it doesn’t matter that much if his parents really like you.

Imagine that you can like yourself so much and yet, be humble- not at all arrogant.

“Every time we go out, my boyfriend always says that his parents are proud of me because I am an intelligent, beautiful, and kind person“- you are intelligent, beautiful and kind. I wish you believed your boyfriend when he says it (instead of doubting him: “Maybe they just said that because they were facing their son”).

There are online sources and book about overcoming shyness, I didn’t read any (and therefore I do not recommend any particular book), but some books that appear on my online search are Overcome Social Anxiety and Shyness, How to Raise Your Self Esteem, The Self Esteem Workbook, and Women Who Think Too Much.

And now, to your recent post: in regard to telling your boyfriend about your discomfort with him having female friends, you wrote, “Every time I tell him that, he is quiet but the expression on his face is disappointed. So maybe what he thinks is that I control his life“- the way I understand it, is that you are shy, lacking self-esteem (like I used to be most of my life, by the way, and am still shy in some ways). When you see him being friends with other women, you feel hurt and angry, and you think about it a lot:  it is troubling and painful, isn’t it?

So, understandably, you are trying to stop your pain by making him stop doing what you believe is causing you the pain: to make him stop having female friends. Maye you don’t dare making him stop in direct ways, by actually saying: Stop having female friends! Maybe you are trying indirectly by showing him how hurt you are and trying to.. make him care, and make him stop… !

Problem is that even if he did not have any female friends, there will still be things that will awaken your pain because (again, assuming his friendships with women are appropriate) it is the shyness/ lack of self-esteem that is the #1 cause of your pain in this context, I believe.

Would you like to work on your shyness/ self-esteem, little by little and reap the benefits, which are more and more peace of mind and a more peaceful, satisfactory relationship with your boyfriend?

anita

Dear Quala:

I am fine this morning, thank you for asking. You feel that your board mates don’t like you. Remember I mentioned Emotional Reasoning earlier? You feel that your board mates don’t like you so you reason that it must be true that they don’t like you. But in reality, maybe one mate doesn’t like you, maybe a few, but not all mates dislike you, right?

If it is true that one or a few mates don’t like you- you are not alone in this situation because it is true for everyone, including myself: some people do not like me (and I don’t like every single person I know either). I don’t like it that some people don’t like me but I can’t change this reality. I can choose to socialize with those who do like me.

“Maybe I said something that caught them off guard about those who fail a lot and the college subject is difficult“-you feel that mates don’t like you and you are looking for reasons (why don’t they like me? you ask yourself). You then run through your brain possible reasons. One possible reason is that you said the above. My comment: if when you said that there are students who fail a lot, you said in in a tone of voice and/ or facial expression that expressed disapproval or disgust with students who fail a lot, that could be a reason for students to dislike you, particularly those who fail a lot. If you said it in a factual, neutral or empathetical tone/ expression, then I see nothing wrong or disagreeable with what you said.

“And earlier they asked me about the accounting equation, what I said is Asset plus Liability equals Equity and the one, she corrected, said Asset equals Liability plus Equity. I was embarrassed and said I had forgotten because we had a law subject. And she just asked me again, she said, sister, ‘just the basics, our topics are very basic, sister, yours is advanced‘“-

-You looked for another possible reason for being disliked and found this possible reason: you made a mistake in regard to the accounting equation (correct equation: assets=liabilities + equity) and you reacted to being corrected in regard to the equation by saying that you forgot because you had a law subject.

I don’t understand, therefore I ask: can you explain to me the connection between you making the mistake in regard to this basic accounting equation and the law subject?

“What should I do I feel ashamed, and every time I talk I feel like they are not  agreed to it?“- one general advice is: you know how important it is for you to not be disliked, right? It is also important for others to not be disliked. Therefore, when you are about to say something to a board mate, think before you say it: am I angry at the board mate? If you are angry, return to a state of calm before you speak to the mate.

Otherwise, before you speak, ask yourself: is what I am about to say to the board mate (or the tone of my voice or expression on my face) critical of her, disapproving, is it unkind? If it is any of these things, don’t say it (unless it is necessary to be said).

I hope to read from you soon and reply further.

anita

How are you, Quala??

anita