Dear Quala:

I  just realized that I didn’t read your second post. I don’t know how I missed it. But amazingly, it fits perfectly with my point about emotional reasoning:

“There was a time when my boyfriend posted a selfie of me and my boyfriend’s mom reacted ‘haha’ and I was insulted“- you interpreted her “haha” to mean that she thought something negative about you, but it was only an interpretation, one that is likely based on what you feel about yourself, and not on what she is thinking about you.

“Every time we go out, my boyfriend always says that his parents are proud of me because I am an intelligent, beautiful, and kind person.  Maybe they just said that because they were facing their son (my boyfriend)“- because you are not proud of yourself… because you think negatively about yourself, you don’t believe that it is possible for other people to think positively of you.

I suffered myself, for many years, from a low self-esteem and I know how painful it is. I too interpreted other people facial expressions, words and behaviors to mean that they too had a low esteem for me. I would like to try and help you in this regard. Would you like to share more about your low self-esteem, when did it start and why?

anita

You are welcome, Quala. Anytime you want to post again, please do.

anita

Dear Quala:

I will do my best to answer your question when I understand the situation better:

“There are so many times that he is super close to women, that their closeness is more than a girlfriend“-

(1) You wrote this sentence in the present tense (are, is)- is the above situation true when he was in high school and now, that he is in college?

(2) Can you describe what “super close” looks like, sounds like (what did you observe)?

(3) Would any closeness between your boyfriend and other women (like his friends in college) be okay with you, and if so, what kind of closeness would be okay with you?

anita

Dear Quala:

“There are so many times that he is super close to women, that their closeness is more than a girlfriend… when he was in high school until now (he is in college). They tease each other… It is okay for me that my boyfriend has female friends but not that much closeness”-

-these are my thoughts: (1) Generally, teenagers and people in their early 20s have a very strong need to socialize/ interact a lot with their peers, in high school and in college. When they leave college and get busy with work, with getting married and living as married people, people generally stop socializing with their high school/ college peers and socialize instead with co-workers (at work and after work) and with other married people: ex., getting together on weekends so that the kids can play together. Your boyfriend is in his early 20s, single (not married), still in college, so no wonder that he socializes with his peers, including with female peers. It is natural and it is not wrong, on his part.

(2) If he socializes/ interact with female peers in sexual ways (ex. tells them they look sexy, that he wishes he was their boyfriend, touches them sensually, etc.), then it is wrong on his part because he is in a relationship with you.

(3) If your mood is generally uptight, upset,  ill at ease- he may be drawn to socialize with peers who appear calm,  carefree and happy, including with female peers who appear this way.

(4)  Many people prefer to socialize with one gender over the other, but not for sexual reasons: some men prefer to socialize with women because they perceive them to be soft and/ or motherly.

(5) When a woman has a low self-esteem, when she doesn’t really like herself, she is inclined to be very sensitive to her boyfriend’s/ husband’s behavior around other women. If he says anything nice to a woman, if he looks at a woman for a few seconds too long (or so the girlfriend feels), the girlfriend feels hurt, alarmed, scared and upset, thinking that he is thinking that the other woman is prettier, more interesting, etc. And any time the boyfriend is a bit close to another woman (having a short, friendly conversation, for example), the jealous girlfriend thinks of his behavior as “super close” (your words).

“It hurts that that girl knows more about my boyfriend than me“- I don’t understand what you mean in this sentence and I would like to understand. What do girls know about your boyfriend that you don’t know?

“I am limiting myself to be friendly to other males, why he is not limiting himself also?“- I am guessing that the answer is that for you, it is not fun to be friendly and to socialize with male peers (because you are not carefree or not comfortable socializing with male peers), but for him, it is fun to be friendly and to socialize with female peers (because he is more carefree, in this context at least). What do you think?

anita

Dear Quala:

You are welcome. If you want to have male friends, no need to ask your boyfriend for permission because (if I understand correctly) there was no agreement between the two of you to not have friends of the other gender, and he has been friends with girls (without your permission).

If you avoided having male friends because you thought that he will be uncomfortable with it- that was very considerate of him, but it would have been better if you asked him first if indeed he wouldn’t feel comfortable with you having male friends. Maybe you only thought that he will be uncomfortable.

If you had a male friend and you found out that your boyfriend was indeed uncomfortable with it, then you could have a conversation with him and consider solutions that will be fair to the two of you.

Did you ever tell him or express to him that you are uncomfortable with him having female friends, and if you did, how did he react?

anita