Dear Alecsee:

I will paraphrase (with quotes) what you shared, best I can: you (a “straightforward and a stubborn person.. outgoing personality“) had a long-term relationship that ended 4 years ago. Since then, you had this pattern in relationships: “things go great the first two months and I feel my partner is super into me.. I stop trying to impress the partner and then things slowly going downhill“.

Less than 5 months ago, you met a woman (“very shy but very outspoken… high maintenance and requires a lot of attention.. socially awkward.. laid back“) on Bumble, talked to her for 2 weeks, then dated her. After the 1st month, fitting with your pattern, you stopped trying to impress her. You did “gf and bf stuff” with her but never made it official.  In regard to the relationship, you wrote: “She displayed a lot of care for me, more than I gave her so I understand I made her feel underappreciated“.

Recently, “She went with a guy coworker… A day or two later in the week she went to the movies with the guy“. During the long talks you had with her since, she complained that you don’t take her out anymore (“she told she felt like we weren’t doing anything together.. She felt maybe that I was done putting effort“), that “she was tired of trying so hard“, that you criticized her and didn’t listen to her (“She said I criticized and didn’t listen to her“), that you yelled at your cats (“she said I should stop yelling at my cats“),  and she said that she didn’t believe that you can or will change (“She was saying I wasn’t gonna change, people don’t change“).

About her going out with the other guy, you wrote: “It hurts because yes, even though we never said we were mutually exclusive, I felt we were… she went behind my back, but it wasn’t technically wrong because we never said we were gf and bf even though it felt like it“.

In March 2019, you shared about the long-term (four years) relationship that you mentioned in this thread: “I started getting constantly mad at her a lot and taking it out on her…she sees me as this angry guy ..had weekly emotional outbursts… the emotional outbursts are when I can’t take it and I start being aggressive… Just saying stuff that makes her put her defenses up and causes argument“.  She too was seeing another guy at the ending stage of the relationship: “she says that I don’t like to go out that much and she and the other guy does…  the other guy doesn’t argue as much“,”.

In Aug-September 2019 you shared about a girlfriend you had for 5 months after the ex of four years: “Everything was fine, until an argument that  could have been avoided on my end if I had not had a small emotional outburst… It just sucks because we promised each other we would do all these wild sexual things I’ve never experienced… and it sucks not being to carry those out. Thats probably why I am sad and why I am regretting and why I cannot let go.. (she) said that I was too needy and too sexual for her“.

– Having re-read much of your previous threads, including the 2020 thread for hours today, I think that the key to your relationship unsatisfaction is in this sentence (Aug 28, 2022): “I get complacent and cocky in the sense that I stop trying to impress the partner“-

– I think that you connect to your girlfriends more sexually emotionally, that you try to impress them, but not to know them or to be known by them. And as a result, you don’t know them or yourself well enough. Let’s look at how you characterized your most recent girlfriend: “very shy but very outspoken… high maintenance and requires a lot of attention.. socially awkward.. laid back“- this description doesn’t sound right to me: if she is very shy (being reserved, showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people), how can she be very outspoken (express criticism about controversial topics directly and openly)?

If she has a shy and socially awkward personality, how can she also have a laid back personality?

And if she is high maintenance, how is it that she was okay a day or a week, or a whole month without you taking her out on dates?

Let’s look at your characterization of yourself in this thread: “straightforward.. outgoing personality“- to be straightforward means to be uncomplicated and easy to understand,  but having re-read your posts and particularly your original post in this thread, to me- you are complicated and difficult to understand (this is why it’s been taking me hours trying to understand you).

If you are generally straightforward, how is it that you felt that you wanted to be mutually exclusive with her, and yet you didn’t tell her what you felt (“we never said we were mutually exclusive…. even though it felt like it“).

Outgoing means to be friendly and socially confident, but from having re-read your threads, you come across as generally significantly anxious and self-doubting, not confident: “I always over analyze everything… Doubting myself since I’m hard on myself a lot of the time… tend to overthink everything... I just dread not knowing what’s going on. I like knowing and being in control… If I don’t know I panic become anxious and can’t think straight“.

* According to what you shared, you are also given to angry outbursts in the contexts of relationships.

You ended your current thread with: “This has been eating at me, Anxiety, crying stress.. What do you guys think I should do? Go all in and tell her… or just disappear… Any help/remarks are appreciated…. thank u for reading!“-

-You are welcome. I think that you should disappear from her life, but reappear in your own life: get to know yourself better, more deeply and thoroughly. If you can afford psychotherapy, quality therapy would be the best place for you to get to know yourself better. Certain support groups can provide this opportunity as well. You are welcome to post again and maybe having conversations here with members can help you as well.

anita

Dear Alecsee:

“I blew up her message inbox with a lot of them…. I kind of blew up on her“- sh… shh…  let quiet silence enter your loud, noisy brain, calming it down… hushing it gently.

“If I fight“- sh… shh… no fighting, Alecsee. No fighting. Gently hush the fighting voices in your head.

“I guess it was my fault for not making it official, but not really“- your fault or not: which one is it,  really?

anita

Hi Alecsee

I’m glad that things have improved. However, I’m curious what your plans are moving forward? It sounds like she plans on dating both of you. Are you okay with that? Or are you going to give her a timeframe to make a decision?

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Alecsee

Sadly, non committed sexual relationships are very common these days. Many people have multiple partners. I don’t think it indicates that they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Simply that they are exploring their options. She has a right to explore her options.

That being said, being on the receiving end of this when you are ready to commit is a very hurtful place to be in. You must do what is right for you to protect yourself.

Personally, I don’t think much of the absence makes the heart grow fonder strategy. Your relationship has been fairly short and experienced difficulties. I don’t think there will be much for her to miss and absence would lead to forgetting.