Dear midnight,

Were these worries always there when you started dating him or they happened more after the bad times started?

I have often observed that anxiety is more a learned response to a past incident – our mind and body are on high alert though we logically know that this response isn’t the appropriate one to the situation.

I see this anxiety in myself a lot too – especially in relationships – Its like my mind has some interpretation of me as the “victim”, the snubbed and God knows what. The irony is in the long distance situation, one day he behaves a bit distant (doesn’t reply to my texts, seems too busy etc), the Pandora’s box gets opened.

What i am afraid of is feeling like i am not needed, that i am a burden of some sort and to avoid feeling this, i have often been distant about my feelings to people – i hate appearing needy in any way but i cant stand being away from my partner either.

In essence, “I want to be needed but i dont want to need.”

See how these are contradictions which are inter-related too?

A good way to understand your inner contradictions is regular journaling – recording those raw thoughts, voices in the head and then objectively seeing what they commonly look like after a while and then to sort of work backwards and understand what are the specific moments that trigger this – sort of reaching the core belief behind it.

And then to question the core belief – sometimes its done by going into one’s childhood and sometimes its by a process of direct rationalization through various techniques. The childhood way didn’t work me, so rationalization it is for me – Having a critical mind has its blessings and curse.

I wont say that the insecure me is gone – she will always be here – that critical voice is there still, its just that I choose not to give her that kind of power anymore.

An analogy, albeit a strange one: It reminds me a bit of Josh Nash in a beautiful mind with those people he keeps seeing -Charles got created when he craved a friend, Marcy got created as an offshoot of Charles. The military man got created when he felt snubbed by the military for his ingenious contributions. they talk to him but over time, he knows they aren’t real and after a point, he learns to ignore them and gives them less power. There is more to his mind than these shadows, there is more to his life than what these doubts tell him.

My apologies for going off on a different tangent on this post – i hope that my experiences may have provided you with an idea or two.

Regards,
Nina

Dear Midnight:

You wrote: “he usually doesn’t answer direct or general questions so much such as ‘why is this happening’, because I think he doesn’t want to label me or my experiences or impose one interpretation on me.”

I am not happy to write the following: I think you may very well have an incompetent therapist. Two years is way too long to direct the attention away from this crucial information that here, in less than two days you described clearly.

How can he not be aware that childhood experiences with an older sibling are often enough very powerful? This is far from being unheard of. He should have come across this common theme in his education, if not in his experience.

Perhaps his motivation in being indirect and vague is monetary. The fact that he has a professional certificate does not exclude such possible (and not unheard of) motivation.

anita

Dear Midnight:

You are welcome. You wrote: “my issues are more complex than that… It is hard to tell what is the cause of these issues as it is probably a mixture of things, not just my experiences with my brother….so much other stuff contributed to these issues becoming what they are now”

There is no way to map out a complete diagram of all the issues, all the experiences you had through the decades and determine what caused what percentage of your current experience.

My therapist taught me the concept of having a Beginner’s Mind: looking at things as if for the first time. And so, there was this very significant experience with your older brother. (Of course, there is the element of your parents not protecting you from him, not supervising; ignoring the symptoms of distress you must have exhibited).

Healing is not about a dry intellectual analysis. A complete analysis of a lifetime is impossible, simply impossible. But healing is very possible without complete analysis.

The reason it is crucial, not optional but necessary for healing, for you to explore the experiences with your brother is for this purpose: once- through time, gradually, with a competent, honest therapist- adequately integrate those experiences into your awareness, the thoughts and feelings that characterize your ROCD, which focus on your husband, will be peeled off from their current object (your husband) and will connect to their rightful object: your brother.

anita

Dear Midnight:

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. Anytime you want my input, post and I will reply.

anita

P.S. you responded very well to my direct, straight forward, clear (not vague) input. If you agree and prefer this method to vagueness, request that from your therapist…?

Dear Midnight:

I just read your replies to another thread and I am very impressed by the intelligence and wisdom you expressed so clearly. You have my Wow. Looking for ward to the updates you mentioned, and to any post by you otherwise.

anita