hello,

I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for a little over a year. Everything felt good in the beginning,  but not too far into it I felt consumed with doubts. Something just didn’t feel “right.” I would think I would find the answer about what wasn’t right and I would go to him about it and we would resolve it (like I didnt like that we didn’t do much together, so I told him and we did more, I didn’t like that he drank alcohol so he cut back) or so I thought. Even when the seemingly bad things in the relationship were resolved,  I still couldn’t shake that “not right” feeling. I started to convince myself that it just meant it was the wrong relationship and feeling like I don’t love him, guilt that he deserves better, etc, but when I actually would imagine ending things and him not being around, I become inconsolable and the thought of ending it unbearable. I truly want this relationship to work. Its not perfect,  but no relationship is, and I don’t want to see if the grass is greener elsewhere I’d rather tend to the garden i have. I also know this isn’t the first relationship this has happened in, so I know there’s something jnternal going on. I know it has some to do with the relationship, or lackthereof, with my parents, but just knowing that doesn’t seem to actually fix anything.

I’ve done a lot of research on the subject and really feel I identify a lot with people who have rocd, or relationship ocd. I guess 8m looking to see if anyone out there has dealt with this and what they did to overcome it?

I know love is a choice and its not always butterflies, and you can’t just fall out of love without your consent.  But my mind is telling me I just don’t love him, and it truly feels like I don’t have a choice in the matter. There are so many good things in this relationship worth holding onto, but I just can’t seem to get past this block. I end up in therapy every time I get into a relationship bc the same thing happens, but I never get anywhere and the relationship just ends up imploding. I end up on meds every time too,, but have yet to find one that actually helps.. I’ve done this four times, and I have to take responsibility that it can’t just be everyone else is the problem and not something with me. Any advice from anyone who’s struggled with this or Rocd would be greatly appreciated .