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August 25, 2016 at 11:58 am #113267
sylvieParticipantSo quick history, bf and I on and off good /bad for 10 years, and we moved in together last summer, major adjustment as we have his son 23 living this with , his dd does not 21 (thank god) and my son 19 with us as well , and my dd 25 leaves on her on. the kids are not close in part of distance and all having different activities growing up and in part us, so my kids have not gone to his families ( 2 hours away )and his over to mine ( 5 hours away) so his daughter does not make an effoert when she comes over and usually rolls her eyes if my son says anything , anyhnow the whole thing is extremely childish, Christmas was the last time we had them all together and it was not a stress less event, and we argued, so now my daughter is getting married next October and he asked if his kids were invited. Now one, I think I should leave it up to my daughter to decide as its her day and it should be about her and I don’t know why they even want to be there, they don’t even like us. So how do I nicely explain this to him. The kids at the age they are at do not make an effort between each other so why should we go there pretending to be something we are not?
August 25, 2016 at 12:54 pm #113269
AnonymousGuestDear Sylvie:
I agree with you that there is no point whatsoever to pretend to be something (the extended family) is not. His adult children and your adult children are not close, are strangers, really as far as intimacy goes, strangers with a touch of negativity, I would say, at best. So no reason to pretend otherwise.
Hope your daughter decides who to invite and who not to invite- it is her day. Or should be.
As far as why his adult children would want to be invited or why your boyfriend would want them invited- I would say the reason is not a good reason, whatever it is. Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t feel comfortable with the lack of closeness reality and the wedding is an opportunity to pretend otherwise, as social occasions like these are often used for pretense.
How to talk to your boyfriend about this? First, I’d have a conversation with my daughter (if you haven’t so far) and listen to her position while you express your own. If you and her are on the same page, I would say something like this to the boyfriend: “My daughter and your adult children are not close. As a matter of fact, they dislike each other. My daughter and I believe that her wedding should not be about pretending anything. I sure hope her love for her soon to be husband and his love for my daughter is authentic and not about pretending. I want her to start her married life authentically and so pretense is not acceptable.”
Unless your boyfriend is paying part of or all your daughter’s wedding, he has no say, so his position really is not up to consideration.
If I was you I would be assertive with him, matter of fact and as calm as you can be. If he argues and gives you a hard time, well… it is going to be another part of the “off../bad” pattern of the “on and off good /bad for 10 years.”
What do you think?
anita
August 26, 2016 at 6:34 am #113301sylvieParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you and I agree, I haven’t spoken to my daughter yet concerning this as it’s been stressful already for her lol but yes I will do this. I think is that they want to be part of this family , I mean we all want to be part of a family but at the age they are at they need to this on their own, and I know it’s difficult with seeing each other a few times a year, but the truth is the boys are not close and thye live in the same house and I do believe a lot of it had to do with my bf behavovior. Unless the kids put in an effort with each other and an interest in even asking us questions about each other, there would be no point, I want to enjoy my only daughters’ wedding without having to worry how they are feeling all night.
August 26, 2016 at 8:34 am #113311AnonymousGuestDear Sylvie:
Placing individuals in the same place where a wedding takes place will not bring those individuals closer emotionally, only physically closer for the night. No emotional closeness is likely to happen as a result. So why bother, I agree again.
Hope you have a good talk with your daughter. Since she is stressed with her planned wedding, bring up the topic in a light hearted way, matter of fact, without expressing significant distress about it.
And then, if the two of you agree- bring it up matter of fact to your boyfriend as a done-deal and move on.
anita
August 26, 2016 at 9:58 am #113324sylvieParticipantThank you.
August 26, 2016 at 10:10 am #113334AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, sylvie. Anytime.
anita -
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