Dear Anita,

I can understand that the sadness/sickness I felt when I was younger is being reactivated with my girlfriend and the obseessive thinking I sometimes have towards her.

I think the wall kicking occurred before I knew about the sexual relations adults have, but was there to get attention from my mother because I felt like my step father was taking her away from me.

It’s difficult to deal with this underlying condition because I can never predict when it is going to resurface.. I can feel so good for a period of time and then spiral into my obsessive thoughts making me feel depressed. I am curious as to how psychotherapy would work? It’s somewhat of a difficult situation for me to get psychotherapy right now, but I’ve had it before and it did help I believe. I’m just wondering what it will do with my past and how that works to resolve my problems now. Is it the talking it out that changes your perspective or is this something that will take behavioral changes to see progress? Psychotherapy does sound like a good option to me, it’s just not always convenient with school and such, but I will try to figure something out.

Scott

Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to think my responses through. I have been thinking throughout the day about some of the behaviors I exhibit currently as well as those from the past. I have also thought about how I used to feel.. I felt like I had to protect my mother and that for her to receive sex from another man (I guess besides my own father) seemed wrong, threatening, and painful to me. It made me feel a lot of emotional pain, especially when I was away from my mother at my father’s house or elsewhere. I can remember crying often because of these thoughts, but I also remember having a serious fear of something happening to her which I think ties into the way I lived at my father’s house with the somewhat crazy stepmother. I know I say that I felt emotional pain towards my mother and involving sex, but I was not sexually attracted to her, I just wanted attention and intimacy I assume.

I think back to some of the relationships I’ve had. I can see where I would get upset about the smallest of things, even as little as a girlfriend saying another guy was cute or attractive. I can remember thinking of being cheated on or that she would hang out with another guy or something completely absurd, but it got to me. I just felt a lot of emotional pain and it sort of scarred me.

Dear Anita,

I’m realizing through my thoughts and your input that I lacked enough attention as a child to create some sort of personal boundaries in my own reality as I had nothing else to reference from. I can see where I developed ways to cope with my situations, maybe through pouting and sadness, to gain attention. I can feel that pain I remember as a child, longing for attention, intimacy, and safety. I can understand, to a degree, why I have these unknown triggers with my girlfriend. It makes so much more sense as to why I have these unexplained feelings of anxiety and uneasiness, feelings of hopelessness as if an ending is near. Thinking back to previous times in my current relationship, I see how I could turn something small and even unthreatening into a huge threat and possible loss (of attention and intimacy).

I’m starting to see, without complete understanding, some of the triggers I respond to that were created as a child, and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I was getting upset over such things that are completely normal and expected in our day and age. What I mean by this is feeling extreme anxiety and betrayal or uneasiness in response to such things like knowing my girlfriend had been with other guys before not within a relationship which similarly portrays what I thought of as wrong with my stepfather not being in the position to be with my mom (including the sex). I feel emotional pain thinking about my girlfriend with other guys because I would picture my mom doing things with my stepfather, intrusive thoughts would flood my mind of her doing this in a way against me, even though I loved her very much. It has created, in my head, a set of rules and/or boundaries of how I feel towards a partner, just like the girlfriend I have now.

I can see why there are two parts to me within my current relationship:

1. There is the part of me that craves attention and intimacy, willing to do anything to give love and receive love. This part of me wants everything it can take which is why it wants for my girlfriend to give her all to me, whether past, future, or present. This is why I can be upset with such subtle things that act as hints/triggers in my head that tell me I’m not getting the full attention or intimacy of my girlfriend (then… my mother).

2. There is a part of me that wants the sexual part of the relationship, but it’s almost as if I don’t want the closeness. It seems to me that my intimate, loving side is having trouble connecting with my sexual side due to my past and the beliefs stemming from it. I think this is why I struggle to love my girlfriend at all times for who she is because I think back to her with other guys and I can’t allow (mentally) for there to be a connection between love and sex because of my past. The two go hand in hand, which is completely normal, but my mind has created its own reality about how love and sex should be.

I really dug deep into my brain for this kind of input, let me know what you think Anita. Thank you again.

Scott

Dear Anita,

I think it is interesting how I have aligned my desire for attention and intimacy from my mother with my girlfriend. It’s not something I ever really thought about, but I have had thoughts about how I should try to make my current relationship more like a relationship with a friend or my family members. What I mean by this is being content with my situation and not being affected by subtle things such as short responses, responses with the unwanted enthusiasm/attitude, etc. I can tell that with my girlfriend I’m always looking for clues of denial, betrayal, non-responsiveness, negative emotions or anything that could mean I’m doing something “wrong” so to speak.

I believe I have struggled so much with dating girls because of the various pressures, internally and externally. On the inside, I’m wanting intimacy and attention; I want their all. On the outside, I have to take into account their emotions to check on whether I’m handling situations right or not, something you mentioned in a previous post where women expect men to read minds, fix their emotions, etc. These pressures take turns making my relationships difficult because it takes in depth thinking to separate out what’s a real problem and what is not; similar to my expectations of reality and how congruent I am/am not with reality.

I would like to take your advice with getting quality psychotherapy, as I have in the past with a great counselor, but with summer coming to an end I can’t guarantee I will be able to get to her. However, I do feel a lot of relief talking about my emotions and getting to understand myself better through here, with you Anita. I appreciate your ability to help and acknowledge my troubles, our troubles here on the site.

If I may ask… what would be some good ways to go about getting realigned with reality so that I can become congruent with the present and my current relationship. This relationship that I’m in I value a lot, despite what I have talked about previously with my girlfriend and her negative emotions. I think it’s just a greater struggle with triggers coming from different areas? I need to be able to handle my girlfriend when she gives me different responses, emotions, etc.

Scott

Dear Anita,

As I’m asking all of these questions about my relationship, I realize that the reality of it for me is that I feel an uphill and downhill connection with my girlfriend. I’m never able to find a balance; the highs only last so long and the lows are discouraging. I understand life is full of ups and downs, and that relationships exist in this way too, but I don’t feel like my head/mind/brain can make sense of these fluctuations in my relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I force love into this relationship to try to “boost” my girlfriend’s feelings for me thus leading to more attention and intimacy. While I think about this, it would also make sense that I feel down when things aren’t going my way (getting the attention and intimacy I want) because the “extra work” I put in has failed, so to speak.

I hope that through some understanding and making sense of my past, I can take the necessary actions to adjust my behavior and reactions to obstacles in my life, specifically in my relationships. I know this is going to be hard, but coming to the realization that a lot of what I feel currently stems from my past helps me to let go and carefully monitor my emotions.

I also know how I react to certain things within my relationship. I tend to want to distance myself when I “assume” that my girlfriend is coming off as “mean” or “unloving”. This isn’t always the case, nor is it her fault, but this is again where it is hard to draw the line. There are also times where I am super loving, but I sometimes wonder if this is dangerous for me to do and will push her away. It’s difficult to know where to start with reacting in different circumstances.

Scott

Dear Anita,

I live with my mother and stepfather at the moment, which is for the summer, until I return to college. I don’t technically live on my own, I live with others at college.

I think that I used to view my mother as loving and always watching out for me, but I know that I didn’t always get her attention and would pout or feel upset sometimes. I have always been a sensitive individual and that makes me more reactive to such subtle things around me, depending on the situation. My mother made sure I was healthy and always wanted the best for me, but she also was a fearful mother, always informing me of what to watch out for in life. In a way, her anxiety transferred over to me. She told me what kind of people to watch out for and stay away from and always told me to be careful about who I marry because of her previous relationship with my biological father that didn’t work out. I should also add that I never liked being criticized, being wrong, or getting in trouble. I don’t know if I was affected in this way because of my sensitivity or for another reason.

Today I see my mother as loving and caring, but I don’t necessarily crave that attention from her anymore. I’m independent from my mother now; I still love her and talk to her, but I don’t feel the need to spend time with her to fill an empty hole. This could be why I seek out as much attention as I do in other relationships.

Scott

Dear Anita,

I think as I child I was more sensitive, particularly to my relationships with others, fearing betrayal or not being accepted. I wanted to be the center of attention, and with my friends, I would be jealous if my best friend was hanging out with another friend or if they were being taken away from me by another person. It was easy for me to feel like people didn’t like me, that I wasn’t enough, and I had my insecurities.

The type of people I watched out for were those that my mother considered “bad” lifestyles or dangerous people. She would claim how those with tattoos, piercings, and that smoked cigarettes or did drugs I should stay away from. This sort of stereotype has made it hard to accept people no matter their circumstances; this sort of guidance has always made me look at certain people with a type of disgust. I know this is all stereotypical, but it’s been engrained in my head. She also spoke about making sure to find the right one, one that will respect you and love you. She mentioned I need to spend a lot of time getting to know someone before spending my life with them. Also talked about getting a job in the future that allows time for my family. I know that my mother didn’t get as much time as she would’ve liked from my biological father because of work and his interests, and that also led to a lack of help taking care of us children.

Scott