Background:

I’m 20 years old and when I was a junior in high school I discovered and came to the realization that I had anxiety. It actually started with a panic attack from smoking marijuana and feeling anxious about my surroundings and self conscious of the people around me. Months went by where I felt like I was trying to keep myself from having panic attacks and paying attention to the smallest of triggers which essentially created a panic disorder. I would constantly search the internet for reasons why I had these feelings and why I felt detached from reality and why I felt like I was “stuck in my head” or “forever high” or “trapped”. Eventually I brought on a panic attack in my own home which put me in a nearly 24/7 state of panic; I couldn’t think straight and slowly the anxiety brought on months ago was pulling my energy away and forcing me into a depression. I had full blown anxiety, minor to moderate depression, and felt as if I would never escape and there would be no way for me to be fixed. I got on 100 mg of Zoloft and sought out a counselor to try to figure out my problems. The anxiety got so bad that I started having intrusive thoughts that were generally sexual and involved my mother/someone that it would be completely wrong. I started to reduce some of my cortisol levels by participating in vigorous exercise that would relieve a lot of anxiety because I was left drained of energy. At some turning point, instead of reacting to my panic triggers, I decided to just let the triggers be what they were and eventually I quit paying attention to them. This is what pulled me out of the constant panic, lowered my anxiety, and allowed me to climb out of the depression.

Now:

Years later, I’m handling my anxiety quite well and only get overwhelmed time to time. Usually I struggle most when I have a lot going on. But recently, after getting into a relationship, a lot of anxiety started taking over again. Of course this anxiety isn’t the same as panic attacks, but it still sucks the energy out of me and may be putting me into a minor depression or at least some hopeless thoughts. I’ve been dating a girl for a couple of months, and if you read my last post, you would understand I’m struggling with finding a balance with my feelings. I love this girl to death and want to continue a future with her, as she feels the same way, but I keep getting these intrusive thoughts about her and her sexual past or anything I consider a “threat” to our relationship. I’m sure all of these thoughts are ego based or something, but they keep coming back and drain me of my energy. When we’re together, the thoughts are pretty minimal, but when we’re apart they grow stronger. What hurts me most is knowing she had a sexual encounter with someone I know well, not best friends or anything, but it was casual and now all I can think about is that connection between them and I feel awkward if we run into him. I just think about her doing those things and makes it feel like she is less perfect or more disgusting or a slut or something. It was before we got together, but it bugs the hell out of me and it really got worse when someone made a statement about “my girlfriend being good at oral sex” which put me through the roof with anxiety and a burst of cortisol. I just tear myself apart when these thoughts come to mind and it makes me resent her even though I feel so close to her. I think it just really scares me knowing what she was like and that with alcohol I worry a lot because I feel like she’s out of control. Of course I’ve had sexual experiences before her that were casual but it worries me. I just can’t seem to get my head on straight, I’ll feel good and then bad and then good again and so fourth; it never seems to end. I’m still eating healthy, getting my sunshine, exercising, and staying busy but man do these thoughts torture me. The thoughts feel so painful at times and at other times don’t really phase me, so I don’t know how to go about them. It just sucks because my emotional state is constantly changing which affects my motivation and energy. It does make me feel better typing this out and getting it off my chest, it’s just really hard to talk about these things with someone I know and getting a counselor right now wouldn’t really be ideal.

I just want to be free of these thoughts, find peace, a steady emotional state, and not have to worry about my relationship. I’m sure some of this stems from insecurity and jealousy but I can’t seem to sort out the anxiety right now even though I’ve dealt with it before. I just kind of feel like I’m all alone, that nobody else has these sorts of problems in relationships but me.