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  • #49472
    Yolanda
    Participant

    I fell in love with this guy that I happened to really love. He became my daily smile, the favorite part of my day; but somehow I kept feeling he didnt feel the same way about me, there were days when I felt I was everything for him, but there were other days when he didnt even bother to text or call, or wonder how I was. One day I said in a very peaceful way that I needed a little more attention. He inmediately broke up with me. I felt so sad and rejected, there were days when I couldnt stop crying. A couple of weeks later we started talking again, and we started dating again; at first it was all perfect; and a few months later it started happening again, this time I didnt say anything, and all of a sudden, one night on the phone he just said it again: I dont want you. Im sick of this, and again It was over. Im doing my best to smile and move on with my life, but its impossible, how can I love someone who has treated me like this? How can I still worry about him? How can I stop? I feel miserable, he still texts me and tells me about his problems, and I´m stil nice to him; but each time we talk I feel worst, I want more from him, I wish he could love me back.

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Yolanda.
    #49478
    sojourner
    Participant

    Dear Yolanda, First and foremost, know that you are not alone. Many people before us and after us have or will experience the same rejection from the person they love. The heart goes off on it’s own journey, refusing to listen to the head. Sigh. The heart leads us down paths our head KNOWS are not good for us. It’s debilitating, I know (now, in month 3 of healing). Second, please take care of yourself. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and listening and learning. Third and importantly, REALIZE THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT YOU! I know you love this guy, but he clearly has some issues too. Do not shoulder this or accept full blame for the relationship failing. He has some commitment, insecurities or fears, or bottom line, he really doesn’t want to be with you. Read that last part again, because it might be the reality. Here’s some good bits that might help you like they are helping me (though I’m not there yet). A) When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. B) Let go or be dragged C) Got a wish bone? Or a back bone? I think this guy is nice enough he doesn’t wanted to hurt you, when in fact, by stringing you along, he is hurting you again and again. Please, for your own sanity, take control of the situation. Tell him you have realized that he cannot give you what you need, but you don’t love him any less, however, you must for your own health and life say goodbye to any prospect of a romantic relationship with him. You can love someone deeply, but it doesn’t mean you can be together. And lastly, you cannot have your arms open to receive what is GOOD for you if you are holding onto something that is BAD for you. Please get a copy of The Ten Things to do When Your Life Falls Apart. And read Eat Pray Love too. And go find all the best stuff, like little Buddha, on the internet you can get your eyes on. Go to friends who believe in you and let you be yourself. Stop giving away your power to this guy who obviously doesn’t appreciate or want it. Write back and let us know how you are doing. Peace and a hug. You can do it!

    Here is an excerpt from last Sunday NYTimes (Modern Love http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/fashion/adrift-too-long-searching-for-a-navigator.html?_r=1 ) column:

    Later as we lay together in a tangle of sheets, I said: “Man, that was good. Why didn’t we work out again?” I hadn’t forgotten about his girlfriend or his criticism, but I felt nostalgic for what seemed like a missed opportunity between us. I still had no man in my life and wondered if maybe Luke and I could make it work.
    Luke turned on his side and put a sympathetic finger on my ribs. “I’m afraid you’re a little too intense for me, he said. I’m afraid that your hunger for this, for me, is your attempt to fill some hunger in yourself that only you can fill.”
    …As morning light filled the room, I realized Luke was right in saying that my hunger for him, for sex, for men, was an attempt to fill a hunger only I could satisfy. I remembered a Hebrew teaching spoken by the sage Hillel the Elder: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”
    I would have to be for me. But the next question of Hillel’s teaching brought, immediately, to a new conundrum. “But when I am for myself, what am I?” What was a woman without a man to define her?
    I had no idea. But I had wasted enough time trying to elevate inadequate men into gods worthy of my devotion.
    “If not now, when,” the ancient teaching ended.
    Now? Not immediately. I did have a bagel with Luke that morning. But I saw myself laughing at his silly jokes, trying to pad his ego. I watched myself crossing my legs and playing with my hair. I saw myself trying to keep this many happy.
    I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was ready for something new.

    Good luck Yolanda. Believe in YOURSELF. Everything you need to be happy is inside you, not inside him.

    #49500
    Lily
    Participant

    Hi Yolanda,

    I am terribly sorry to hear about what you are going thru – if it helps, I am going thru something similar that happened a couple of DAYS ago. I feel all fragile but a couple of things that perhaps might help you too:

    1. Like sojourner said, you can love him but you cannot let yourself be with him. But with time and healing, you will see that you dont really even want to love him

    2. Stand up for yourself and your feelings, just like you did when you told him you wanted more attention. Dont hide how you feel, not from yourself or anyone. You dont have to, never have to.OWN it because that will help you move forward.

    3. No contact – please cut all contact. DO NOT give him the PRIVILEGE of your friendship if he cannot appreciate a deeper, unique and more cherished aspect of you. He is going to have you around until he finds someone else who will do they same. They dont change. Therefore, when you are ready, tell him it is over, absolutely no contact (and you cannot take him back even if he does try). This is truly the only way to heal and smile again and open your heart to new happiness.

    Also please read baggagereclaim.co.uk – Nat is amazing with the things she shares, lessons for life!

    4. His rejection of you is not about you – it is really all about him, his insecurities, his weird judgements and issues. Dont make them yours (his circus, his monkey). You are a special, warm and caring person. And he doesnt get to have you. His loss.

    5. Dont give the gift of your love to someone like him. There is someone out there who will adore every bit of you. Please wait for him, please dont let this make you bitter.

    6. In the words of Nat “He is not that special; you are not that desperate”. You can do this, you are a strong, capable person who can heal and move on. Dont stop believing that even for a minute! Like sojourner said, it is WITHIN you. Your love and happiness is within you. Dont settle for anything lesser than spectacular.

    Sending you warm hugs, please let me know how you go. Happy to listen if you wish to write/share/chat more.
    Lily.

    #49502
    Mark
    Participant

    All good advice and insights from those who already responded.

    You might want to check out this insightful article as well: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201401/7-reasons-most-people-are-afraid-love

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