Reigniting the spark

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This topic has 15 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by r0dk3t7.

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April 2, 2017 at 7:25 am #143311
r0dk3t7
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She was my first love. I’m 23 and she’s 19. We were together for 5 months before she decided she didn’t want to carry on this anymore. At that point in time, I was feeling overwhelmed with exams and this separation made it felt everything was crashing down on me. I didn’t know what went wrong because in that 5 months, there was a lot of laughter, constant bantering and quality time spent together. There were no serious arguments between us, only 1 or 2 instances of minor disagreements which were resolved quickly after communicating with each other.

As we are both in the same university, it was easier to meet up for meals before continuing with our own classes. However, as the examination period approaches, we were still able to spend quality time maybe twice a week even though studies were getting more intense and busier. That is also the time when I felt she became a little distant from me, not talking as much as she used to, the bantering didn’t flow. She said it’s probably due to the exam stress and all, but I knew it wasn’t the case. I carried on probing and eventually she revealed that she felt like she lost interest in this whole relationship, as though there’s no more spark. Although I was very reluctant, I agreed to the separation because I didn’t want things to end ugly and it was just days away from exams. I didn’t want this to be like an additional distraction for the both of us, even though somehow it already is.

It’s been 4-5 months since the separation and a lot of things ran through my mind. In the initial stages, there was no contact between us so as to allow us to sort out our thoughts and feelings, but I was eager to chase her back because I just felt why couldn’t we give it another shot since there wasn’t like any problems that is damaging the relationship. I spoke to friends about issue and most of them were telling me she was selfish and advising me to move on instead, after how she has treated me. I took some alone time to understand myself, but I couldn’t get my thoughts and my feelings to be aligned. My head tells me I should get on with my life and not let this affect me and yet my heart just tells me I should continue going after her. This is the frustrating part because I am not able to find the peace within me and I feel confused and lost at times. There are several days where I dreamt about her and woke up crying too. It’s pretty exhausting yet my feelings are ever so strong for her.

Recently, we spoke for a short while. We were able to talk about us so openly and honestly. She told me she felt really bad about giving me such a negative first relationship experience and kept apologising. At that point I really felt that I wanted to reignite the spark between us and start a new journey together, learning and growing together because I didn’t feel angry at all from the start, more of disappointment as to how she decided to handle things on her own.

I will be meeting her again to talk about us since the last time we spoke, it was interrupted. Should I be asking her if she’s willing to give both of us a chance again and see if we could reignite the spark? It is not impossible to find back the spark right?
- This topic was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
- This topic was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by tinybuddha.
April 2, 2017 at 6:34 pm #143411

Craig
Participant

Hi, I thought about your post for a while before responding. Here’s my thought, then I’ll explain the reasoning. You might not ask her to give you both a chance again. Instead, listen to whatever she shares, and try to understand. And if she is emotionally moving away from you, accept that and encourage her to go on her way.

That might sound counterintuitive.

My thinking is that if she doesn’t want to be with you due to lack of interest or she has some fear issues (that may have nothing to do with you), chasing after her will make everything worse.

Encourage her to go away, if that’s what she says she wants.

It might not change anything. But, it might put in her mind that you’re a guy who didn’t try to hold her close against her will, and in fact supported her decisions. Could be worth a lot.

View yourself as a door-opener instead of a door-closer.

April 3, 2017 at 10:24 am #143495

Anonymous
Guest

Dear r0dk3t7:

You wrote: “I agreed to the separation because I didn’t want things to end ugly”- can you explain what you mean by “things to end ugly”? Since this is your first romantic relationship (correct?) – what “ugly” are were you referring to?

When your friends “were telling (you) she was selfish and advising me to move on instead, after how she has treated (you)”- how was she selfish, in their/ your understanding? And what was the ways she has treated you that they were referring to?

anita

April 7, 2017 at 7:53 am #144039

r0dk3t7
Participant

Hi Anita,

Ugly in the sense I didn’t want to make a big fuss out of it, convincing her to not give up on us yet till the point she gets irritated.

They were referring the “selfish” part as like she didn’t want to try at all to rekindle the dwindling spark, but merely she just wanted to feel single and see how life will treat her without me.

April 7, 2017 at 8:17 am #144043

Anonymous
Guest

Dear r0dk3t7:

I ask questions to promote my understanding and hoping to promote your own understanding (you wrote that you are confused, and that you “took some alone time to understand myself, but I couldn’t get my thoughts and my feelings to be aligned”)-

Regarding my first question, you wrote that you didn’t want to “make a big fuss” following her breaking up with you so that she doesn’t get irritated. What would “a big fuss” on your part look like?

Was she irritated with you before? If so, how was her irritation expressed?

One more question: can you give some details to those “1 or 2 instances of minor disagreements which were resolved quickly after communicating with each other” which you mentioned in your original post?

anita

April 9, 2017 at 5:01 am #144249

r0dk3t7
Participant

Hi Anita,

A big fuss like keep pestering her for another try, clinging on like a pest to the point she might get irritated. She has never gotten irritated with me before because there wasn’t any reason to, she didn’t have a chance to.

With regards to the 1 or 2 instances, I’m pretty sure others have experienced it at some point, which is having disagreements in the car over which route is correct, which route to go and stuff like that. Of course, when that happened to us, we were quiet for the rest of the whole journey. But before getting out of the car, I knew it was something that should be resolved because it’s just something very minor.

April 9, 2017 at 8:21 am #144259

Anonymous
Guest

Dear r0dk3t7:

It is my understanding that you were very concerned from the beginning of this first love relationship that she would get irritated with you (“I agreed to the separation because I didn’t want things to end ugly …Ugly in the sense I didn’t want to make a big fuss out of it, convincing her to not give up on us yet till the point she gets irritated…A big fuss like keep pestering her for another try, clinging on like a pest to the point she might get irritated”)

And yet, “She has never gotten irritated with me before”

This is leading me to think: why were you fearful of her irritation when she never expressed irritation toward you, and I tend to think in a close relationship you had with a parent, perhaps, a parent got frequently irritated with you, and this is where the fear of her future irritation is coming from.

You wrote that she has never gotten irritated with you before “because there wasn’t any reason to, she didn’t have a chance to”- and that leads me to think that you were careful to not cause her irritation, very cautious- avoiding any possible conflict, maybe being passive, submissive, maybe limiting the communication with her to light, superficial topics. It could be in that limiting, that she lost the spark. Maybe she wanted deeper conversations. Maybe she tried deeper topics but you avoided them.

Any truth to my speculations?

anita

April 10, 2017 at 9:33 am #144405

r0dk3t7
Participant

Hi Anita,

I don’t think it’s the fear, I think it’s more of just preventing it. We had a few casual conversations while we were together and we had the same opinion regarding arguments and quarrels: if we can give in to each other whenever we can, why would we want to disrupt the peace? I mean, nobody likes arguments and quarrels, there’s no peace at all when it happens.

Regarding the part “you were careful to not cause her irritation, very cautious- avoiding any possible conflict, maybe being passive, submissive, maybe limiting the communication with her to light, superficial topics. It could be in that limiting, that she lost the spark. Maybe she wanted deeper conversations. Maybe she tried deeper topics but you avoided them.”, I don’t think I was careful/cautious/passive/submissive because I speak what’s on my mind, open and honest to her.

I am not too sure what you mean by deeper topics, but I’ll just carry on typing (correct me if I’m wrong). I do talk to her and it can be about anything. There were times when we spoke about the memorable experiences before we knew each other, how those experiences (such as assuming a leadership role) has changed our mindsets and perspectives of certain stuff in life. I always mentioned this to her and my friends: Like looking back, how a decision we made have led to chain reactions, how it has allowed us to meet, how it has gotten us to where we are now (individually and together). Of course, there are too many conversations to list, but yea, these are some of the few conversations (If this is what you meant by deeper conversation topics)

April 10, 2017 at 10:05 am #144411

Anonymous
Guest

Dear r0dk3t7:

I am all for keeping the peace, all for not arguing and fighting, all for no aggression in loving relationships. I believe it is possible to avoid all aggression in an intimate relationship, not only possible, but necessary for the well being of both parties involved.

How you and her avoided all aggression, arguments and fighting, is what I wonder about and trying to examine with you. You wrote: “if we can give in to each other whenever we can, why would we want to disrupt the peace?”

Can you give three examples of instances when you gave in to her, and three when she gave in to you?

Also, if you’d like to examine this further: what is your childhood experience with aggression: arguments and fighting?

anita

April 11, 2017 at 4:19 am #144521

neversaynever
Participant

Here is my take.

Take it slow. One sure way for an opposite partner to lose interest is when we take things too fast. Reading through your write up. i have the feeling you were kind of too all over her, too needy and maybe too nice. so she lost the attraction. Simple.

You have a second shot. Be yourself, take things slow and dont talk about starting a relationship for now, just talk , talk and talk, there should be a connection all over again.

April 13, 2017 at 8:27 am #144877

r0dk3t7
Participant

Hi Anita,

1) There were times when it’s like 2+am and her friends were at her place. She being the nice person, offered to send them all of them home even though she’s not obliged to and it’s out of the way. Then there’s me, worrying about her safety because she just passed her driving back then and it was already so late. I told her I don’t feel like there is a need for her to send them back because it’s pretty convenient for them to take a taxi home. However she insisted on sending them back because she didn’t want them to spend the extra money on the cab fare and assured me she will be wide awake behind the wheel. I could have gone on to say how worried I’ll feel but I decided to not continue further and told her to update me when she has reached back safely.

I can’t really recall other instances for now, but will update again if it comes to my mind.

With regards to childhood experience with aggression, there weren’t any instances of heated arguments or fights, just minor disagreements with family members and friends, nothing too serious, usually resolved on the same day? It’s just my nature to resolve things asap and not let it affect the relationship I have with them.

April 13, 2017 at 8:36 am #144879

r0dk3t7
Participant

Hi neversaynever,

I really do hope I get the second shot, I wish it would be so simple. You said I was kind of all over her. Yes, that’s accurate partly because it’s my first, partly because I was really impressed by her, extremely down-to-earth, not materialistic, no princess-y attitude, etc. I don’t think I was too needy though.

I am always being myself (which might be bad since I am always treating people nicely and extra nice to important people) but yea, now it’s just fun bantering whenever I have the opportunity to talk to her.

April 14, 2017 at 10:24 am #145063

Anonymous
Guest

Dear r0dk3t7:

Still trying to figure out a possible reason for the loss of spark on her part (as “Reigniting the spark” is the title of your thread): in the example you gave, I suppose you were on the phone with her, or texting, when she had friends at 2 am and she offered to drive them to their homes. Your communication with her was similar to that of a parent/child, you suggesting they take a taxi home because she just passed her driving test and it may be dangerous for her.. and to let you know when she made it back home safely.

Could it be it?

anita

April 15, 2017 at 12:53 am #145185

r0dk3t7
Participant

Hi Anita,

You mean could this (me caring/worrying about her safety) be the reason to the lost of spark? I don’t feel this was it though, like I cannot understand why this will be, if this was it. You get what I mean? Like isn’t it normal to want your loved one to be safe? And it’s not as though we didn’t spend time together despite our busy schedules nearing exams, just cutting down a little for that exam period that’s all. Sigh…

April 15, 2017 at 9:13 am #145247

Anonymous
Guest

Dear r0dk3t7:

I don’t think it was wrong to be concerned for her safety, of course. I was wondering if you often expressed to her that you were worried about her, and that she felt smothered or treated like a child- I was wondering if it was a possibility. I am using an imaginary flashlight to look in the dark for a reason for the loss of her spark so to encourage an understanding on your part, that you currently don’t have. (If you see something in the dark, let me know; otherwise, I think I am out of ideas… of course, a spark can be turned off for no particular reason, I suppose…?)

anita
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