Regret and fear related to seperation from my daughter's father whom I miss

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This topic has 27 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.

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November 4, 2016 at 10:20 am #119624

Annie
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How do I even get over the feelings of deceipt and hurt I’ve felt over the past 4 months in order to provide him with the support, respect, and encouragement he is seeking? How can you treat someone with such respect that you feel didn’t give to you in a time where it was so necessary to rebuild? Maybe I’m being selfish in saying I don’t physically know how to over look being cast aside for 4 months while he went to search for the proverbial greener pastures, while telling me he wasn’t, and not proving his true desire to work for his family. He literally had a relationship physically and emotionally with another woman, and let go of a lot of his responsibilities as a father during that time…aren’t those someone’s true colors? I don’t know how to put all of that aside to give him what I know any man wants and desires in a relationship. I’m sorry for continuing on this, but it is really stirring up emotions inside me that I think is actually theraputic and helpful to make me see every angle of this situation because this is a man I dearly love and would do anything to be in a realtionship with, but I know whose behavior doesn’t match.

November 4, 2016 at 11:01 am #119625

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anny2016:

You mentioned that you are attending therapy. I hope it is competent therapy. I assume you discussed this relationship often in your therapy. I don’t know what progress was done there.

I did not suggest in my latest posts that you should live with him, that you should give up on yourself, on your needs and well being so to accommodate him. I did not suggest that it is your job to fix his childhood injuries. Do what is right for your daughter and for yourself. What promotes your emotional well being will also promote your daughter’s. She needs a mother that is well.

So it is your mental well being that is most important- do whatever promotes your well being. Not his.

And throughout the thread you expressed your ambivalence about him. I have little hope that he will be a good partner to you. If there is a CHANCE, be it as small as it is, it will happen not because you will sacrifice yourself, accepting being a lower priority, making him all that matters while you don’t. Not my suggestion.

This man is already in your life. You are already interacting with him. You want him in your life at the least as a father to your daughter. What I am suggesting is, that in the context of the contact you already have with him, operate so to promote a CONNECTION with him (remember his assertion that he is not connected with you?) by siding with him on the boots issue. The boots are symbolic.

anita

November 4, 2016 at 11:08 am #119628

Annie
Participant

I understand, and appreciate what you are saying now. That is what I told his mom, he is reacting not over the boots but over something that the boots represent to him. I will work on my daughter and myself first, and towards a positive attitude that can help promote a relationship between my daughter and her father. Thank you again anita!

November 4, 2016 at 11:10 am #119629

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, anny2016.
anita

November 4, 2016 at 1:34 pm #119638

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anny2016:

It occurred to me: of all the things your daughter’s father is guilty of: the two other children he is not attending in-person (at the least), the other women while in relationship with you, the cancelling of time with your daughter, all that stuff… there is ONE area in which he is innocent and always has been and that is his relationship with his mother. In this one area do be on his side. In this area, if you are take his side, you do take the side of innocence.

See, his mother, she is wrong to take money from him because she knows he is angry at her. All she has to do is refuse the money, set him free from this false sense of responsibility he has for her, and his anger at her will subside. I was raised in that culture you are referring to, children being responsible for their parents and I know that is wrong.

Side with him on this one thing. Do not side with his mother who is abusing her power over him.

anita

November 7, 2016 at 7:09 am #119833

Annie
Participant

Thank you again Anita, you are right in that. He has decided to move to another country, in order to be with his other daughter who is 10 years old. I guess it will make my life easier, and this seperation better, but I am not going to lie- it does break my heart for my little girl that he can leave so easily but I have to be happy that he wants to be a part of his other daughter’s life.

November 7, 2016 at 7:21 am #119836

Anonymous
Guest

Dear anny2016:

You are a gracious mother and person to be happy for his other daughter. It is my experience, that ONE loving parent is good enough for a child. But I don’t mean “loving” as many people mean it to be, that is, feeling this or that for the child. I mean, if you really see your daughter, pay attention to her, comfort her when she is distressed, let her know she is okay, approvable and acceptable. If you make her feel safe, unthreatened, feel that she can come to you with problems and you will guide her and comfort her… then she will be getting MORE than most children get with two parents.

Do post again anytime, with thoughts, feelings, developments.

anita

November 7, 2016 at 10:26 am #119858

Ninja
Participant

Anny2016 –

I totally agree with Anita. Every word … always well said (and so much better than me). : )

While I am sad to hear that he is leaving, at least he is doing it now while your daughter is still young and hasn’t yet formed too much of a bond with him. Also, take your time to heal yourself. Become independent. I know it will be hard, but the joy of your daughter may provide some peace. And hopefully, when the time is right, a new man (a true man) will enter your life. Of course, take it slow and cautiously. But it is my sincere hope that you will be blessed with someone as you have so much to offer.

Peace to you today.

Ninja

November 7, 2016 at 12:12 pm #119865

Anonymous
Guest

* a side note: thank you Ninja, for your comment about me, above. I must disagree though with your statement that your words not being as well said as mine. Here is a sentence you just posted on the other thread regarding being a good father: ” It is not about the DNA, but the willingness to make the 24/7 investment.” Couldn’t have been said any better, for sure. Thank you for promoting this most important value: being a good parent.
anita

November 7, 2016 at 12:26 pm #119869

Annie
Participant

Ninja/Anita- each of your words are incredible and are really opening my eyes. I have been blinded a bit, but I cant express how much this has helped me. Both you you are amazing for your willingness and time you have put into helping others on this site. As well as the other responders! Beautiful.

Thank you!

November 7, 2016 at 1:14 pm #119872

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, anny2016. You are kind! Please do post again, anytime.
anita

November 7, 2016 at 1:39 pm #119876

Ninja
Participant

I am merely passing along what I have learned. But you are most welcome. Please write back and keep us posted. We care.
Give that baby girl a hug for us.

Anita, you have a wonderful evening, sister.

Ninja

November 7, 2016 at 4:48 pm #119884

Anonymous
Guest

* You too, Ninja. anita
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