Gagan:

In your last post you asked: “am I a bad person in general”? I don’t have enough information to determine that, to give you my answer to that. What I did learn recently, not earlier than Nov 8, page 7 of your thread, is that you lie and that you do so habitually.

To lie means that a person states something he or she knows is untrue.

Why would a person lie on a website, posting anonymously, for what reason, one may ask. In your case, I believe, you lie because you are in the habit of lying. It is business-as-usual for you, an every day way of living, and so, you didn’t make an exception to it here.

On Nov 8 you wrote: “I wrote all that crap to dump my bad decision onto her…I was angry at her for not coming back to me. I said some things that were exaggerated”

As if the fact that you had a motivation to lie (“to dump my bad decision onto her”) makes it okay to have lied. And, as if, the fact that you were angry made it okay to lie.

You kept the same lie going for pages while I kept asking you about it. Finally you admitted that lie, but you didn’t call it a lie, you called it an exaggeration, and you pointed it out that the lie was “true to some degree”. These are your efforts to minimize your lie.

To exaggerate means to magnify beyond the limits of truth; overstate. Problem is you went way beyond the limits of the truth. Way beyond the limit of the truth is a lie, not an exaggeration.

But that particular lie, that she expressed to you throughout the few years relationship that she was always right and that you were always in the wrong, was not the only lie. Let’s look at how you express your feelings throughout your thread: “My heart sank to the bottom of an eternal ocean…my heart is tearing apart into a million pieces…It’s a feeling of a thousand elephants on my chest… My chest hurts every waking second. There’s a mountain on my chest and mind every second…every day, every thing, every season, every picture, every smell, every taste, every little part of my life today reminds me of her…Omg, I can’t breathe… My chest is heavy. So heavy….The pain is unbearable!…omg… My brain is getting fried. please pray for me. This thing is eating away at me!”

You exaggerated your feelings. Of course, no one knows how it feels to have one’s heart tear “into a million pieces” vs a hundred pieces, or ten, or … just two. And no one knows how it feels to have “a thousand elephants” on one’s chest. No one can live and tell about having … just one elephant on one’s chest. Or a mountain. And you did breath, and the pain was bearable, and your brain didn’t get fried.

Is this only a style of expression or are these lies… one may ask. I think it is both, a style and lies. The motivation is: look at me! Look at me! See me suffer!

Your focus is not on your suffering, it is on the audience. It is on who you are expressing yourself to. And so, you focus on making the largest impact, producing the maximum affect in the audience.

Your social grace, politeness, ingratiating behavior as expressed in this thread is not authentic.

What are the other lies: the woman this thread is about, a roommate, probably exists, but the relationship probably was not as intimate as you described, she may have been just a roommate all along and the change lately is that she is about to get married.

You probably didn’t break up with the other women in your past, as you claimed.

You have expressed to her your suffering over her arranged marriage, again and again, telling her how much you suffer, using the same words, most likely, as you have used here. And that is probably the reason why she came to see you, worried about you. This is probably why she hung up the phone on you, tired of your going on and on and on about your suffering.

I may post again later, more thoughts perhaps.

anita

Gagan:

You wrote: “I might be a habitual liar. I wasn’t aware of it. I will introspect” and you asked for my guidance about “how to be better”-

For me to attempt guiding you, I need you to do that introspection you mentioned. You wrote that you might be a habitual liar. Well, are you?

anita

Gagan:

You wrote: ” I do not like conflict. I do not like to fight. So, I would rather say something that the other person wants to hear so I do not have to be confrontational’-

are you then agreeing with me, somewhat, that you may be a habitual liar so to not have a conflict with me, so to not be confrontational?

What do you really believe: that you are an honest man with a tendency toward the dramatics, that is all?

anita

Gagan:

To attempt to help you, I need to understand better: in the relationship with this woman, then, you said anything to her so to avoid confrontations, correct?

If so, give me a couple of examples of the things you told her to avoid confrontations: one example of a trivial nature, something small; and the other of a serious nature, something big.

anita

Dear Gagan:

I re-read and studied all your posts on this thread. This is my understanding:

To live Truthfully means to live in accordance with Reality. When you live untruthfully, you feel lost and confused. You have lived untruthfully for many, many years and so, you are lost and confused. Truth is a Guide in life, and you don’t have that guide.

Without Truth, you find yourself saying things and doing things and you don’t know why (“She asked me whether it would work out, and I always told her that it wouldn’t (I had no reason to say that)…she met another guy. I fully supported her…I wish I had the answer to ‘why and how……I did not know what was happening. I still do not know what really happened…What is happening? … What is happening?…I do not know what I’m doing!”)

Without Truth, same things happen again and again, you don’t know why and you learn nothing (“about 8 years ago when I broke off with my gf at that time and she was getting married –much similar to what is happening now. I felt pretty similar to what I am feeling now. Then later once again, the same events occurred. I broke off both those times…Situations like these happened to (me) multiple times, where I took a decision and then backtracked and then again went that direction…I cry, I regret, and then find myself living a lonely life. It has happened over and over and over again, not just with the relationships, but friendships as well”).

Without Truth, you don’t know if you can trust another or not (“She could be manipulating me as well. I’m not sure”), if a person is right or wrong at any time (“Made me think that she was always right. She still says that she is always right”).

As to why you haven’t been truthful: you don’t value being truthful. What you do value is getting along with people, avoiding confrontations with people and keeping people in our life. You do not stop to consider whether what you are about to say or do is truthful or not. If it will promote getting along, you will say or do it. If it may cause a confrontation, a disagreement of some kind, you will not say or do it.

You are not a habitual liar, you are a habitual non discriminator of Truth vs. Lie. In other words, you habitually do not consider whether something is true or not. It doesn’t matter to you.

You wrote: “I do not like conflict. I do not like to fight. So, I would rather say something that the other person wants to hear so I do not have to be confrontational. I very often apologize to people that I do not like just so that they do not walk out on me or argue with me…to mitigate my loneliness, I would very often just praise (a friend) falsely so he remains in my life“- you say things you believe the other person wants to hear, not what is true to you. You apologize not because you believe you did something wrong, but so to keep the person in your life.

Again, Truth is of no relevance to you. It is not what you value. What you value is getting along, avoiding confrontations, keeping people in your life.

Unfortunately for you, without the truth you end up in conflict, distress, alone and lonely.

I agree with you that you “overcomplicated the things …make everything in (your) life into a drama”-

Being truthful, to yourself and to others, would be simplifying your life. Being untruthful is this over-complication and drama that characterize your life.

I have no idea who your ex roommate/ girlfriend was or is. I don’t think you know either because you did not have a truthful relationship with her. I don’t think you had the opportunity to learn whether she admits fault or not because you always apologized. How would you know… how would you know anything about her other than how it felt when she cooked for you or cuddled with you.

Not living truthfully, all you go by is feelings, how you feel. This is pleasant… this is unpleasant. How do I feel better… help me to feel better…!

anita

Dear Gagan:

You wrote: “Could it be that I became so comfortable being unhappy that my mind and body yearn for that unhappiness?”- no, I don’t think so. The earliest instinct of any animal, humans included, is to move away from pain/ distress. It is distressing to stay the way you are, correct? But it is also distressing to change. Here is the key: we tend to stay in the distress we are used to (staying the way we are) so to not experience the distress we are not used to (changing).

And so, it is avoiding the distress of changing, not the attraction to distress that motivates you.

You wrote: “I became addicted to misery to gain approval from others… my mind is addicted to unhappiness that I punished myself. How true is that?”- I don’t think you got addicted to misery. I think you got addicted to gaining approval from others. As humans/ animals, we move away from distress, from displeasure and toward pleasure (others’ approval).

I don’t think you can stop caring about gaining approval from others. I think you can stop paying such a high price to get such approval: losing yourself for approval, not being truthful so to gain that approval.

anita