Hi Gagan,

I think you may have to think about that even though she may be moving, she may still text or call. Have you decided with each other, friendship? No contact? You may have to be prepared for the possibility she may want to contact you..

Hi Gagan,

Only be friends, if it is not emotionally draining for you. Maybe right now, best to have no contact, so you can try to move on, and like you say, live your life now, not for her, but for you..and to make room for that special someone. You can’t put a new car in the garage, when the old one is still in there. Try to distance yourself the best you can, distract, don’t become your thoughts, and replace your thoughts of your future, instead of her, picture another loving woman and friend. It does get better.

Hi Gagan,

Your body is in “shock mode” it’s like the world stops. Or you (or I did) because the “world went on with their lives, yet I was so immersed in shock and grief over losing him, I wanted everyone, the world to stop..perhaps grieve with me. The anxiety, emotions, rollercoaster ride was debilitating. I thought, “no way, I’m going to make it through this, I’m overwhelmed. An elephant is standing on my chest, I took more anxiety meds than I should have that was prescribed, (but not to where I put my life at risk). I could not function..everything was too overwhelming.

I was in therapy at that time. It took a long time for me to get past that initial panic attack and shock stage..but I also had separation and abandonment issues from early childhood. I kept telling myself, I have lost people before, and made it through, I can again..this will pass one day, it always does, “observe my thoughts, they are not good or bad” “don’t become them” let the grief flow through you.

I came across something my therapist have me after my loss when I felt I was too overwhelmed, or having panic attacks. The trick is to only take one day at a time. Don’t further overwhelm your system by thinking of past or future. Here is what she gave me, I practiced this, looks weird at first, takes practice but it works. Keep posting as well..

The three-part breath is a specific breathing technique used in many yoga practices and can be very useful in times of stress or whenever you need to relax. This type of breathing triggers your parasympathetic nervous system or the “relaxation response” (the opposite of the fight/flight stress response) and allows your body and mind to more easily release stress and tension. It is physiologically impossible for your body to be in a stress mode when you practice the deep three-part breath.

Obviously, you can’t breathe this way all the time, but when you do, it can help you think more clearly and decide on another coping skill or something else you can do to move away from the anxiety you may currently be feeling. Or you may decide to use the breath to sit with the pain of grief. This is okay too. Calmness in the midst of pain can help us know that we can survive the next moment, and then the next.

Again, find your comfortable sitting position, allowing your hands to be relaxed. The three-part breath may also be done lying down. Practicing this breath while lying in bed before sleep is a good choice if you have difficulty clearing your mind and falling to sleep.
To begin, inhale normally. Then, with your mouth closed, exhale slowly through your nose as you did with the simple deep breathing exercises, using your abdominal muscles to pull your diaphragm inward. Squeeze all the stale, excess air completely out of your lungs.
As you prepare for your next inhalation, imagine your upper body as a large pitcher. As you inhale, you are filling the pitcher from bottom to top.
First, fill the diaphragm and lower belly, allowing them to expand and completely fill with air. You can use the “smelling something delicious” tip here as you begin to fill your lower lungs with air, allowing your belly to expand.
Next, continue to allow your “pitcher” to fill as you notice the lower, and then the upper, parts of the ribcage expanding outward and up.
Next, fill the upper lungs, noticing the chest expanding, the collar bones and shoulders rising, as your pitcher is filled completely to the top.
Pause for 2 beats.
Exhale the opposite way, allowing the “pitcher” to empty from top to bottom.
Slowly exhale, allowing the shoulders and collar bones to slowly drop, the chest to deflate, the ribs to move inward. Again, pull your diaphragm in, using it to completely empty the air from the bottom of the lungs.
Repeat the process, refilling the pitcher slowly from bottom to top. Continue with the complete and full exhalations and inhalations, emptying and filling your pitcher.
The three parts are bottom, middle, top—expanding and contracting as you slowly and completely fill your body with fresh, cell-nourishing, life-giving oxygen and then slowly and completely empty it of carbon dioxide, toxins, and tension held in the body and mind.
As you increase your practice and the muscle movements become familiar, you may wish to add the counting of your breaths or your color visualizations. Ideally, the exhalations should be about twice as long as the inhalations. Initially, if you count to five as you inhale and exhale, gradually try to make your exhalations to the count of six, then seven, then eight, and so on until you feel more comfortable lengthening your exhalations.
If you feel dizzy or lightheaded while practicing the three-part breath, or any other breathing exercise, stop the practice immediately and allow your breathing to go back to normal. Sometimes if we are not used to a great deal of oxygen, the change can cause lightheadedness or dizziness. Know your own body and be mindful of the changes you notice.

I hope that these breathing lessons may help you through your grief journey and beyond. Just breathe.

Dear Gagan:

I believe you already shared number 1, 2 and 3 earlier, so none of these are new to me.  I am surprised that you prefaced sharing these again with “I’m about to reveal something that I did not do before. I’m ashamed of admitting it after so many posts”- you already shared these.

What you didn’t share before is the following: “Yes she hung up a few times, but she would call right back. Yes, she did not admit fault in small trivial things, but she did when things really mattered.”

Looking at the latter: “she did (admit fault) when things really mattered”. This is very different from what you shared earlier, and that is: “In fact, I do not recall any time when she admitted that she might be wrong…She still says that she is always right.”

The gap between the two shares is huge: from not recalling a single time when she admitted she might be wrong, saying she is always right, to admitting she was wrong when things mattered.

And now, Gagan, I don’t trust your honesty. I don’t do well with dishonesty, not my cup of tea.

anita