Dear Anita,

Thank you!

I also want to shed more light on my life, and maybe you can help me understand that as well.

Over the last decade, I have always found myself alone. I believe that I do that to myself on purpose. I do not hold onto things, and when they’re gone, I cry, I regret, and then find myself living a lonely life. It has happened over and over and over again, not just with the relationships, but friendships as well. Am I wired to just seek loneliness? Am I always looking for something better that I fail to see what I have in my hands? Am I never satisfied? I’m practically in the same position emotionally as I was when I was 20 years old. I do not like that about myself because it always makes me alone and then I suffer. Is my mind making me suffer on purpose? What is happening? I mean I know I can find reasons to get over this girl, but I did not put much effort into trying to make it work for the long-term. Am I wired this way to only see short-term happiness but never expect a long-term solution? I mean no one is perfect, and she wasn’t either. But at least I had someone who loved me unconditionally. I kept pushing her away and now I am back to square one with loneliness. Sorry for the rant Anita. But, you’re the only one I feel comfortable sharing everything!

Dear Anita,

By “unconditionally”, I meant to say that she would call me on the evenings to see what I wanted to eat that night. She would cook for me. She would make sure if I was going through something bad, that she was with me and even took off from work various times to be with me to comfort me. But, our disagreements and conflicts happened sometimes and I was the one apologizing every single time. That was kind of given. Also made me think that perhaps I was always wrong. I still sometimes believe that.

On the other hand, I was talking to a friend about the same thing and he said that if we were actual couples that I would not apologize every single time and that I would have broken off. I only apologized because deep down I knew that I did not want anything more. Which is absolutely true. But on the same token, if I actually took it seriously, I might ended up working on it with her and making it work.

Dear Anita, I mean she usually asked me to hangout with her more when sometimes I couldn’t because I had other relationships to nourish like family and other friends. She would then say that I don’t care about her. Made me feel like all she was asking was for me to spend as much time as possible with her. I could have just given that to her.

Dear Anita,

If you put it that way, it sounds horrible. I mean, I can’t believe I would think it the way I did!

Thank you. I think the picture is getting clearer day by day as to why I pushed her away. I believe my gut already knew the right thing to do!

I assure you, though, that the feelings would creep up again and again and will take sometime to die away, so I will be coming back to you to get peace.

g

Dear Anita,

Thank you for everything you’re doing to bringing clarity to the situation.

I feel very light and calm tonight. Much much better than before.

I realized five important things today –

1. I had a very rewarding day at work. And had a productive and busy work day as well. Perhaps that added to a bit of satisfaction

2. I listened to my favorite music at work and during the drive back home.

3. I purposefully tried to block her out of my head. It worked sometimes. As I type, I’m also Facetiming another friend and we are talking completely unrelated things. Diversion of mind really helps.

4. She has an independent life and she is entitled to be happy and live a life that fulfills her as well. We both weren’t right for one another.

5. Most importantly, whenever her thoughts came to mind, I let it be, and then kept saying this to myself – “it was a great time, it was fulfilling but that time has ended. Now it’s time for something else. It was like a TV series where one Season is over, and now the next Season is ready with some old characters out of the show and some new ones are ready to show up.”

I know I feel great going to bed, but I will let you know how I feel tomorrow morning.

g

Hi Eliana,

Thank you for being in touch. Yes, it is a little better sometime and a little worse on other occasions. Anita is helping me navigate the dangerous waters. I’m grateful for this platform.

I do have these anxious times when I feel like its best for life to end right now for me, but then I lift myself up to try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m taking it day by day.

g