Dear Gagan:

My next question may be difficult for you to consider and you may think it is irrelevant, I hope you do consider and answer:

When you badly needed your parent or parents, when you were a child, what happened then?

anita

Hi Gagan,

I am not sure what happened in your early childhood, it’s probably none of my business, but I go through the same experiences you are describing. I have severe abandonment issues and rejection as well. My mother being an Alcoholic would leave me and my siblings at a very early age alone at home while she went on drinking binges for days at a time. My father hired a nanny who my siblings and I loved very much, but my Mother became jealous and would fire her, while my Father was away traveling for his business. I would scream and beg and have a temper tantrum when my Father left, knowing I would be alone again. He was perplexed having no idea my mother would fire the Nanny and was horrified to come one day to find us living in filth, no good..nothing. We were taking taken away from my mother by the courts.

Because of the constant abandonment, I find myself leaving people before they leave me. Do you think this may be a reason you have pushed your two exes away?

P. S. Sorry for my typos above, running late for Dr’s appt.

Dear Gagan:

In your yesterday’s post to me you shared: “about 10 years ago, when I first left home away from parents, I could not bear to be away from them (or home), and constantly cried over the phone begging my parents to bring me back home…Once I was home, I got scared again…”

Something about your home life was scary for you. The fear you experienced at home was the reason you were the “‘sensitive one’ at home…too soft emotionally… used to cry easily”.

It is my understanding that it is that early fear that carried through into your three romantic relationships, including the last one, the reasons you broke them off, and the reason you did not consider a life with this last live-in girlfriend.

Your regret is a retroactive regret, in my understanding. Since the danger of having a life with her (similar to going back home ten years ago) is over, the fear is put aside and loving feelings on your part are possible. These loving feelings emerged because the fear is gone.

If she went back to living with you, if you were to arrange getting married to each other, the fear is likely to return and the loving feelings will indeed go under again, under the emerging fear.

On her part, I don’t know if she is sincere. I don’t know why she sent you the messages that she missed you so much and then come to your place, to your bed, while she says she likes the new man and intends to marry him. This behavior could be manipulative, trying to punish you for having rejected her for so long. I don’t know.

anita

Dear Gagan:

First thing to be done is to calm down, to rest. I think you are overwhelmed, that is, you are alarmed by the emotions you are experiencing, believing you cannot endure such strong emotions.

I strongly believe, from personal experience and witnessing others’ experiences, that you can endure these feelings, these emotions. You can experience these emotions and not fall apart.

Please say this to yourself and repeat: I can endure these emotions. I can endure the pain and keep going.

It is the panicking element in this that is affecting your work performance, cutting down on your ability to remain asleep and so forth. It is not the emotions themselves. It is the fear that you will not survive these emotions.

But you will survive them as you already have survived. You are strong enough.

The good news is that you can survive these emotions, this pain, will less of a price to pay. If you stop the panic, if you calm down.

To do so, do cut contact with her completely for the foreseeable future so to not ignite and reignite the pain and panic. This is very important for you to do so.

Employ effective calming techniques. Perhaps guided meditations, a calming yoga class, a tai chi class… a brisk daily walk, an exercise routine. Try this or that, see what works. Quality psychotherapy is also an option.

And do post again, anytime you would like.

anita