Regret

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This topic has 137 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by Gagan.

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October 24, 2017 at 12:50 pm #174663

Gagan
Participant

Here’s my story. If someone can help me move past it, please do. I shall be eternally grateful.

I came close to suicide twice because of a decision (or rather indecision).

I am a guy of 29 years. My best friend is a female my age. We became best friends over the past 3-4 years. We practically had a live-in relationship as in going out together, cooking, eating together, doing amazing things together, road trips, meeting each other’s parents, respecting each other, respecting each other’s families, giving each other time and energy. Pretty much a perfect best friends relationship. Around 2 years ago, we got drunk and made out. We then continued it and it eventually turned romantic. But we both agreed that this is just a friends-with-benefits situation and that we won’t pursue it any further. We both also acknowledged that it will be incredibly difficult to let each other go once we are ready to move on with our lives. Occasionally, she would tell me that she feels at peace when she hugs me, sees me, and spends time with me. We both felt ‘at-home’ with each other. She asked me whether it would work out, and I always told her that it wouldn’t (I had no reason to say that). I just didn’t think consciously. But over this time, we developed memories that not even the happiest couple in the world would dream of. We cared for each other intensely, and with pure heart. Sex was great too.

Now, about a year ago, I got into an traumatic life event that shook me to my very core. She was by my side though, and helped me at every step, and I appreciated it. But I was never in the moment. She then told me that she imagines us having babies, and growing old together. But, I had somehow convinced myself that its not what we initially thought of. I failed to name the relationship for what it was. I was also not in the best of the circumstances to grasp the reality because of the drastic life event that happened.

About four months ago, she met another guy. I fully supported her. I even set up their dates, and help convince her that the guy was great and that she should go for it. The proposed to her about a month ago, and she said yes. But before she said yes, she asked me one final time whether it would work between her and I. I said no. That “No” has been haunting me for a month now. I have stopped eating, sleeping, and practically lost all interest in life and thought of ending my life. I regretted it the moment she told me over the phone that she had said yes to the guy. My heart sank to the bottom of an eternal ocean.

I couldn’t have imagined the feelings that I am feeling right now. Everything about the last 4 years is flashing in front of my eyes. The way she cared for me, the way she loved me, the way she looked at me, she would kiss my forehead, stare at my face and just love me in every possible way a human being can. I did the same thing. Now, that she is gone, I have gone insane and regret not holding onto her. I will never find someone to love me so deeply. And I will never have the courage to love someone so deeply.

Why should I live now?

October 24, 2017 at 3:28 pm #174675

Eliana
Participant

Hi Gagan,

Do you really know if she is *actually* gone? Have you spoken to her since her marriage? Is she as happy with this man, I wonder if she was with you? Maybe all is not lost. It seemed like she cared and possibly loved you very much. You never know, may be she may be thinking about you, and may not be happy with this man. There is still hope. Is there anyway you can invite her out (as friends) and see how she is doing? Take things from there?

October 24, 2017 at 5:41 pm #174683

Sha
Participant

Gagan,

I hope my message finds you well. I ask that before you respond to our replies reach out to this helpline, only if you feel comfortable. Here is the number: 1-800-784-2433, these people are extremely helpful and I often use their services. This service is free and you do not have to reveal who you are, just allow them to be your sounding board. Now back to the discussion at hand, by the tone of things it sounds as if you have a deep love and care for this woman and she shares the same point of view, she also definitely values your opinion too. But take a step back and read everything that you have written… you have pushed her away and only you know why. Pushing her away is not a bad or a good deed on your end, but you must understand the reality of why you did it to begin with before your life changing event. Were you scared to be with her? did you feel as if you had no right? these are just examples of what you may have felt. However, I encourage you to reflect on this before professing how you feel about her, if you choose to do so.

Sending love to you.

October 25, 2017 at 2:00 am #174709

nextsteps
Participant

hello,

only you know why you pushed her away, so like the others have said,.perhaps think of that so you can answer that question as fully as you can.

she has only been with the guy four months and he has already proposed to her?! You don’t know she is lost and to avoid further regret i would just tell her honestly how you feel now. How she reacts and what happens with the new guy is up to her but at least you would of been honest with how you felt.

take good care of yourself. All is not lost yet.

October 25, 2017 at 3:14 am #174715

Gagan
Participant

Eliana, thank you for being the ear to my feelings. She is gone for good. It was an arranged meeting through family when she first met the guy. In fact, I drove her to DC so she could meet the guy the first time. Having a traditional Indian family, she is restricted to changing her mind. She had told me just recently that she would rather die than back out now. She isn’t married, but she can’t back out now. I met her just today. I invited her and our other closest friend for dinner. It was good, but somewhere in the middle, I told her that she could have handled the situation better to atleast make me feel better during this transition, especially when she came to know about my feelings. She is moving in a week to be closer to the guy and my heart is tearing apart into a million pieces. It is impacting every aspect of my life, including my job, and family relationships.

October 25, 2017 at 6:14 am #174725

Gagan
Participant

Nextsteps and Sha, thank you for the support.

We met last night, and she told me that she can’t back out now, and that she likes the guy. It was an arranged marriage sort of situation, so usually there isn’t enough time to fully get to know each other. But that also means that the family plays a larger role in the decision making. She can’t back out now, even though she knows in the hearts of her heart that she should. She texted me this morning saying that she misses me alot, and that she wants to meet me again today. I strongly believe that if the families weren’t involved, she would come back to me, but unfortunately, that us not the case.

Additionally, I have been up and down the sadness roller-coaster. When I purposefully block out all her memories, I get better, but then once any little thing that reminds me of her creeps into my head, I go into a spiral. I am not sure what the best route to take is at this moment. I have had suicidal thoughts, but I know I won’t carry them through, because I cannot make my family suffer because I couldn’t get my head together in time. But at the same time, I do not know which path to choose for the quickest recovery. Should I just cut her from my life entirely? Should I try to keep the friendship as it was before?

October 25, 2017 at 7:20 am #174731

Eliana
Participant

Hi Gagan,

There is something that is just not adding up between her and this man. I can’t put my finger on it..but I think it might be an “arranged marriage” as the custom in India for the woman to get married as soon as possible. I have a funny feeling you will be hearing from her again. Just that feeling.

October 25, 2017 at 7:22 am #174733

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gagan:

It is my understanding that she was interested in a life with you as her husband during the time you lived together, from one time on, but you were not. You clearly communicated to her that there is no possibility, in your mind, of a marriage, of a relationship with her going beyond best-friends-with-benefits.

Why were you so sure, so confident of there not being such a possibility?

anita

October 25, 2017 at 7:29 am #174737

Gagan
Participant

Anita, I wish I had the answer to “why and how was I so sure of the possibility”. Even during the time we were together, I knew that she was the best partner I could ever ask for. Perhaps, I wasn’t ready for the commitment. But, I told her the day she said
Yes to the other guy. But she had already made her decision at that point. This morning, she texts me and says that she misses me very much and that she “needs” to see me. I know she still wants to be with me, but she can’t. I am looking 50 years ahead of me and thinking of the life I could’ve built with her. It’s a feeling of a thousand elephants on my chest. Will I ever be able to love again?

October 25, 2017 at 7:33 am #174741

Gagan
Participant

Eliana, yes the family pressure to get married as soon as possible is the main reason. Otherwise, she would have dated the guy for several months to truly express her feelings. Now, she is forcing herself to love that man. And I know that she is such a lovely woman, that she would make anyone fall in love with her. This morning, however, I got a text from her saying, “I miss you, I miss you so much, I need to see you.” But, I also know that it is extremely difficult for her to back out now, though not impossible. I can’t push her to be with me either because the last time I did (about a month ago), she told me would never forgive me if I ever ask her again, and that the decision had been already made.

October 25, 2017 at 8:06 am #174785

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gagan:

I wish you had an answer, or that you were willing to explore the reason for your prior confidence in not wanting a relationship with her beyond the one you had, why you encouraged her to meet this current man. That reason that you are not aware of, will not disappear for lack of awareness and is likely to direct your behavior again, in the future.

Even if you got back with her, you may withdraw again… for the same reason.

anita

October 25, 2017 at 8:40 am #174797
Gagan
Participant
Anita, I believe the reasons were –

1. I wasn’t ready for a lifelong commitment

2. I wanted to be free

3. I did not take life seriously and thought I had enough time to figure it out later

4. I wasn’t in the best situation. I wasn’t happy with myself. I wanted to be someone and stand on my own feet before I brought on someone else in my life permanently. Now I know that I was living in a fairy tale and that I failed to understand the true meaning of a relationship.

Today, I have a great job, and things are better, and also realize I won’t ever love anyone else with that intensity again.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Gagan.
October 25, 2017 at 8:56 am #174803

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gagan:

It is possible that “that intensity” you refer to (in your last line above) is a retroactive kind of intensity, that is, now that you are safe from the possibility of a lifetime relationship with her, now that it is not possible, you are… safe enough to feel that intensity. If a lifetime relationship with her was possible again, that intensity might… surprisingly weaken.

What do you think?

anita

October 25, 2017 at 10:53 am #174833
Gagan
Participant
Anita, thank you. From the day that she said yes to the other guy, my feelings for her have grown exponentially. Seems to me that the grief is getting worse, the memories are getting stronger and they are affecting me in every possible way. I am not enjoying anything around me, even the usual stuff that I used to. There is zero smile on my face. Every instance that I get, I imagine her in my life. The travel, the eating out, the boring stuff, the lying around on the sofa, watching “Friends” (our favorite show together). I am also imagining so many other things that I wouldn’t usually think of, like looking for a new home together, getting a puppy together. I do not think the intensity would have decreased but that is just my current opinion. Pretty much, I am imagining a “perfect” future with her, but now she is gone and I am getting sucked into the whirlpool of bad emotions. She is coming to meet me today. We will spend a few hours together. She said she misses me a lot. I do not know what is going on in her head. Is she just trying to comfort me in this difficult time? What am I supposed to do to just erase all of these new emotions. I do not want to be feeling this way. Not for long anyway.

Help me move on please!
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Gagan.
October 25, 2017 at 11:03 am #174843

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Gagan:

Please try to calm down best you can, and answer if you will:

You “do not want to be feeling this way. Not for long anyway”- because it feels badly to need another person like you need her now?

Do you remember when you needed someone like you need her now, earlier in your life, how long ago was it…?

anita
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