Hello everyone. I grew up in an abusive and neglected childhood home. Back in the 1980’s and 1990’s everyone considered it normal. I’m sure many of you understand that. I didn’t understand how bad it was until after I was 42 years old. You see, I went from a narcissistic father to a narcissistic romantic relationship because I didn’t know how to love myself. I cherished every drop of attention and acceptance that I got between the put-downs and the physical abuse sometimes. Eventually, I ended the relationship after getting proper counseling but I was 38 years old and had missed out on my life – what it could have been. As soon as I was on my own, I enrolled in community college. I had wanted to go to film school after high school, but I had no way of doing so. I started small, with a general degree, but I turned it into an Associate’s in Game Design. I even had the opportunity to work on a developing game company’s project for three years. It was the beginning of taking my life back.

I had many financial difficulties, including going on disability and then having those benefits taken from me less than two years later. I ended up moving back in with my parents, as a last resort. While I was there, I was exposed to their toxic abuse and emotional neglect again. It wasn’t until after my father died, after three years of hospice care, that I began to suspect I had been molested as a young child. Later, my concerns were validated by a trauma-informed counselor. At the age of 42, I brought my concerns to my mother’s attention, only to have her turn on me as someone who would “dare accuse him of that” because she denied he was capable of it. Later on, I discovered that my mother, as well as all of her siblings, were molested as children by their father. I found compassion in this knowledge and it helped me understand why she acted that way. But it hurt that she did not love me enough to believe me. My brother also turned against me, saying I was mentally unwell for suggesting it. I have suspicion he was also molested as a child, by our father. I tried to establish a meaningful relationship with my mother for two years after my father had died. He had been abusive to her as well, and I had thought if only I could reach her with empathy without his influence around, I could reach my mother somewhere inside her cold exterior. Sadly, it was not to be. I discovered that my mother lived in a dissociative world, where she did not remember my childhood years as they were, but rather she believed what she wanted. She still believes our family was happy and normal, though the evidence is there for a different story.

I found a job in another city and moved away, also cutting off any contact with my mother and brother. I told them that I could not live in their fantasy world – I never did. I prefer to live my truth, even if it is alone. I am in my 3rd year toward a Bachelor’s degree in English and my grades improved dramatically after about a year away from them. It was difficult to accept that I would never have a loving mother, that I never had one I already knew, but it took me an entire year to come to terms with it. I met some wonderful people at my job, who listened to my truth with compassion and patience. They played a large part in my healing journey. I had always needed someone to just listen and show me a bit of kindness.

I tell my story here because I know someone will need to be validated – like I needed validation. I am grateful for the things I have been through because I have found that I am not defined by my blood relatives or their traumas. I am an empathetic person who has seen the trappings of an entire family that is “asleep”. I am also not defined by my trials or history. I am defined by my compassion for others, by my will to thrive, and my courage to be different from what I knew.

So be the one that says no to being victimized and shamed for telling your truth. Go live in the knowledge that you see things as they are and not what someone wants you to believe. Let others choose whether they will stand behind you or leave you. Those who are your real friends and perhaps found family will come to you. Let go of people who do not make you happy. It is not a choice to cut people out of my life, but a choice to welcome only those who respect and love me. Those who would do me harm are not welcome. Thank you for listening. Sometimes it is all we need.