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Recovering from depression and anxiety, and starting a new Relationship

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  • April 11, 2016 at 11:32 am #101546
    Marie
    Participant

    It is true that I have never been empathetic to myself, I would rather repress my emotions and tell myself off for having issues. And then I would be unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, I was until last year. I guess it comes from the social stigma that you shoud not talk about your problems, although everyone faces problems and the best to do is focus on the solution, rather than worsening the problem by trying to repress it.

    I have been working on myself a lot, and I really feel like I am starting to accept myself, I must say I started being happy last year, even through my really hard times as I was finally moving on and solving all the underlying issues that came from my childhood/ family.

    I do recall myself every now and then that I should be the one supporting myself, and that I am strong enough for that but the fact that other people like my sister are not necessarily moving at the same pace slows me down a little. I genuinely feel like I have been the one who’s finally been able to put an end to my family’s masquerade, although my father has been guiding me through all along.

    I still feel more lucid than most people in my family, more than everyone but my aunt who has had to take care of her parents’s heritage and my grandparents’s too. Sometimes I am, to some extent, so much more emotionally responsible and mature than anyone in my family.

    April 11, 2016 at 11:33 am #101547
    Marie
    Participant

    By the way, I hope you have a nice walk. Thank you for your help ! It is much appreciated.

    April 11, 2016 at 11:40 am #101550
    Marie
    Participant

    Dear Anita, in relation to what you wrote before, I agree that everyone has mental health issues, major or minor. I find it hard though that people will not face their problem, and will reinforce the social stigma that no-one does. I am finding more and more people to talk about it, but it still remains a taboo.
    Whatsoever, it has happened a few times to me that people thought I was emotionally strong and more mature than them and thus they clang on to me, as if I were their mother, and would create problems and be negative about life, hoping that I would take them out of their ‘issues’. Once again, I would shut myself out but I have finally realized I must say no to those kinds of behaviour as it is very poisonous.

    April 11, 2016 at 12:40 pm #101551
    Marie
    Participant

    One last thought,
    I do realize that blaming myself so many times and thus staying unhappy and unsatisfied has created the habit of me thinking I may always be sad/ unsatisfied. It is hard to differentiate the fact that I have to look after myself and sometimes I may be victimizing myself, as I used to think I was a victim for very long. I think it is one of the reasons my depression and anxiety came about, because I was in need of change, and so were the people around me. In need of respecting myself, and in need of honesty and strength to keep on moving, Life is all about change. I have decided concretely since last year, that pushing myself out of my comfort zone would be my “comfort zone”.

    One thing I find so hard though, is that I have always wanted to make others happy (to some extent I wanted people to do the same for me), rather help them to BE happy I must say. I obviously cannot change anyone. What is hard and sad is that many people will stay in their comfort zone, but will not accept change and will never really want to be happy. What is hard is that sometimes I feel helpless about that, I used to say I found it unfair. But as my friend put it well, I am not mother Theresa, even more so, I am not God and am not all-mighty. It’s hard though to ignore it when people are making fake problems as I used to think I owed to help everyone. I do not know if it makes much sense or really resonates with the previous posts. But those things I have just described are so important to me.

    April 11, 2016 at 2:03 pm #101559
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marie:

    I read and re-read all your posts on this thread and this is my understanding as-I-type:

    You are too much of a small part of the maze of your family members (and friends). By too much of a small part, I mean, you have minimized yourself so to make things all right for the family. That was your adaptation: keep your emotions in, unexpressed, keep your needs unsatisfied, look mature, look like you have it together, attend to others’ needs, others’ emotions…

    All in the aim that you will be safe in that family, so that your father, your sister, others will be okay and as a consequence you will finally be okay and permitted to be all that you are.. later, when everyone is okay and it is safe to come out of hiding, of that self minimizing mode of being.

    As a result of minimizing yourself, all your emotions have been condensed in a sort of a pressure cooker, so as you are opening up to people, as you were doing in your few months long relationship, you were overwhelmed: this is what happens when you shut your emotions, pushing them down- when you let them out, they rush to the surface in an overwhelming experience.

    I think that it will take you learning Emotional Regulation skills (in therapy!), such as learned in meditation and mindfulness, so that you learn to tolerate intense emotions. Also, untangle yourself from your family. If I was you, I would withdraw from them, for as long as I need so to reverse the minimization process and open up, become more and more of who you are. The more involved you are with your family, the stronger you will be inclined to remain minimized.

    anita

    April 11, 2016 at 2:19 pm #101561
    Marie
    Participant

    I believe you are very right about this. The part where I would feel right if everyone was never occurred to me. Especially that I am still doing that, I am supporting my father at the moment. Not that it is a bad thing but I really need to focus on myself and I keep deviating from that. I guess that if I were better really, I would not feel other people’s need of my support would not be a burden.

    Furthermore, I believe you are right when saying that is what makes me feel safe, or at least gives me the illusion that I am safe. I used to be scared that if I did not look after other people, I would loose them, they would abandon me, that I know goes back to losing my mother. And I think I can finally make the link between the feeling I have when being anxious and my family: emptyness makes me anxious, like crossing a bridge for instance, not looking down but up. I am scared of flying away (it sounds very funny when said out loud), I “can” feel the whole universe around me, its immensity and my insignificance.
    I have to learn that I have power over my own happiness, and that it is meaningful. Whatsoever I need to remind myself that I love myself, as when I am on a bridge for instance, I guess it’s quite of a metaphor of evolving in life, of going from one stage to another. (When I have a panick attack, I imagine that my mother is holding in my hand)
    I feel like I do need to dig a bit deeper about that feeling of anxiety though.

    Tell me what you think,

    and thank you again !

    April 11, 2016 at 2:34 pm #101563
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marie:

    I do believe that your mental well being requires you taking the courageous step of dis-entangling yourself from your family. If I was you, I would let any and all members of your family who seem to need your help (currently your father) know that you wish them well, that you love them and that you are taking a break from your job as their helper, healer, supporter, for the next two years (at the least), so to help, heal and support your own self.

    It is about you placing your own person, Marie, in the center of your own life. So that you can heal from your anxiety and depression.

    There is no other way. Please post anytime as I hope you focus on your own well being. Helping yourself is your only real responsibility. All your efforts to help others landed you anxious and depressed- so it didn’t work for your benefit. If you focus all your efforts on helping yourself, you will be successful.

    anita

    April 11, 2016 at 7:09 pm #101571
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marie:

    I forgot to acknowledge that you thanked me a couple of times for replying to your thread here: you are welcome!

    And thank you for bringing up my The Healing Path thread and replying to it!

    Take good care of yourself:

    anita

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