Gavin,

Consider that self love isn’t something we produce in a vacuum, such as going into a cave to find “the thing” that gives us the ability to connect with others in a loving way. Rather its a continual tending, such as learning to nurture yourself in or out of a relationship. When we get in habits of self nurturing, we become less agitated, hungry. This lets our connection with a partner to be two whole beings sharing time and each other, rather than two people completing missing components in each other.

From another direction, consider that meditative practice isn’t just about our butt on a cushion, our mind tending our breath. Rather, meditation builds a stability that is challenged as we get up from the cushion, and the goal becomes keeping our mindfulness as we reengage with the world. In a similar fashion, self love is challenged by our connection with others, producing growth and change that helps us. For instance, we might consider ourselves stable and peaceful, but what happen to that peace when our wife eats the last bit of cherry crumble? Or when our boyfriend flirts with the waiter? Or when our girlfriend sleeps with an ex? These help produce a deeper fertility to our practice, which deepens our mindfulness and compassion.

Said differently, consider self love to be a warmth we have for ourselves that helps prevent other people’s actions from being about “us”, entangling us, and collapsing our patience. For instance, “Why won’t you listen to me” arises as “oh, she is focused on her stuff right now, I’ll set my news down, and join her side, and explore her space.” In this way, we become equanimitous, which makes relationships less contentious… less a struggle of met and unmet needs.

With warmth,
Matt