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reconciliation of a long distance relationship

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  • #112299
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi! I need your advice. I was in a long distance relationship, broke up with him 2 months ago because i was unhappy. He is emotionally distant and cold. I tried to understand because of his background— he’s 65 years old, 2x divorced, retired army (been in the military since 18 years old). I am 45, single and no kids…I always tell him about his lack of affection which is totally different when we are on FaceTime. Because he is in Maine and I’m in Manila, our non-working hours are spent on FaceTime. I try to visit him every other month and stay with him for several weeks but he still is distant. So I broke our relationship and was being a brat when I said I want to go back to Manila right there and then. Anyway, he never spoke to me on the trip to the airport and just dropped me off. I was so devastated! so for the last 2 months, I kept texting him to take me back, that I was sorry for being impatient with his promise to change and be sweeter. But he replied that he doesn’t want to take me back and he doesn’t believe in second chances. How can I get him back?

    #112306
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    You wrote that he was very different on FaceTime: that is a computer program where you he can see and hear you on the screen and you can see and hear him?

    Was he affectionate on FaceTime and not in person? I am trying to understand when he was “emotionally distant and cold”- in person? On FaceTime? Otherwise?

    And what does “emotionally distant and cold” looks like to you- what did he do or say- or not do and say- which means being distant and cold?

    anita

    #112316
    Arlene
    Participant

    hi, anita! thanks for the reply…on FaceTime he is very sweet and says I love you, i care for you a lot, but in person, he’s just like a friend. i somehow expected that since we live half of the world apart that when we see each other, he will be attentive and sweet to me. i already told him this, but he replies that i am just insecure and needy. my take is that, if he will just let me feel loved then i wouldn’t be insecure. we had a disagreement about this. i told him that Philippine culture still believes in “courtship”, that the guy pursues and woos the girl. so he assured me that he will try to improve and be more sensitive to my needs. but he has not improved. until last june, when i was with him in maine, his 8 year old daughter was also with us, his attention was divided and i really felt ignored. i was so frustrated that i told him we need to have a break and i wanted to go home then despite my flight schedule being in july. no arguments, no conversations, he just said okay. so i just kept crying because he just let me go like that. he drove me to and dropped me of at the airport, 4-hr drive without any conversation. when i got back to manila and started processing things, i realised that maybe i was just to bratty, impatient and tactless. that i hurt his feelings and ego. since then, i tried my best to communicate but he didn’t answer. no more FaceTime despite of a year of daily average of 6 hours of FaceTime. he said he hasn’t taken back anyone “who has kicked him to the curb” and that he once respected my clutter about working things out but he does not believe in that anymore. he told me to go on dates and move on. please help me get him back, he was a very good man.

    #112317
    Arlene
    Participant

    not clutter but culture (typo error)

    #112319
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    From my reading, your chances of getting him back don’t look good. He sounds definite in his decision to not re-start the relationship. If you know him as a man who follows through with his decisions, then you can expect him to follow through with this decision.

    For a whole year the two of you spent an average of 6 hours a day communicating online? If so, this is a whole lot and it puzzles me. It may be that he felt safe communicating with you online because it was not in person. He may have felt comfortable on FaceTime but not in person.

    So he had his eight year old daughter when he was 57? Maybe at 65 he is not as energetic as he was younger and interacting with an 8 year old takes a lot of energy. Then on top of it, you being there, competing with his attention to his daughter was too much of a strain for him.

    It is also not a good idea for the relationship to continue if you do compete with his daughter. His daughter is very young and needs his attention. It is not the right thing to do, to discourage a father from attending to his daughter.

    It is better for you to be involved with a man who does not have minor children, a man who is not involved with minor children in a father or a grandfather role.

    Your thoughts…?

    anita

    #112339
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi Anita! Thanks for your thoughts. His daughter and I get along well. I think it was just me who was feeling that at the time to find an explanation why he’s distant. He told me once that he has never “given his heart to anyone ” and that I may be that first person he’ll love, so I was devastated when he let me go that easy. My number one problem is I miss the twice a day FaceTime—when waking up in the morning till I go to work and when he goes wakes up and it’s my time to work. I’m so confused because there was no argument that happened, no goodbyes. And now I miss him so much and won’t return my texts nor calls. Can’t we be at least civil about it. And start again as friends? His family likes me.

    #112347
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    I understand that you got emotionally attached to your FaceTime with him and you miss that FaceTime very much. On the other hand, you were not happy with his treatment of you in person. You were so unhappy last time, in Maine: ” i really felt ignored. i was so frustrated that i told him we need to have a break and i wanted to go home..” and you left home earlier than what was in your ticket.

    As you miss your FaceTime with him, remember that you were unhappy face-to-face with him, in Maine.

    All you can do is ask for him to renew contact with you and you already have. There is no way to make him, to force him. What can you do other than write to him that you miss your FaceTime with him very much and that if he changes his mind to contact you.

    I hope you feel better soon. Post anytime.

    anita

    #112348
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi, Anita!

    I understand that I don’t have any control over him or on the situation. All this “no contact rule” I don’t think applies to him and me. I am doing my best to take my mind off him—I started yoga again. I am taking swimming lessons, I enrolled in a one on one spiritual direction course. I am also praying and hoping for a miracle. A miracle that will change his heart about me, that he will take me back and that we will both be healed of resentment and pride. The we be given a fresh start, clear understanding of what happened and what we learned form the relationship. All I wanted is a second chance. I pray the God and the universe will grant me this chance. I don’t want to lose hope.

    #112350
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    What did you say to him in person, in Maine, when you decided to leave, get an earlier flight? If you’d like write it here, what you said to him and what did he say back to you, that last time in Maine? Be as detailed as you can, the whole back and forth interaction in Maine.

    This may give me more understanding of what happened, and perhaps a way to approach him.

    anita

    #112367
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    Please allow me to tell you about our background. I am a doctor and he’s a dentist. Last april when I was there, I was able to convince him to get an executive check up which he hasn’t done for years. Everything was ok except that he has to have a colonoscopy. I told him to schedule the procedure when I get to Maine in June so at least I can be there with him. That whole time we were okay. The three of us even his daughter. Unfortunately, the colo was scheduled the day after Father’s Day. So naturally we were all just staying in the house instead of going out because of all the preps for the procedure. That Sunday, we were all bored and irritable. His daughter kept pretending to be sick like him. At night, the three of us sleeps in one bed, his daughter wanted to FaceTime her mother, so me and my BF went out of the room to give the kid and her mother some privacy. I went downstairs and laid on the sofa and I fell asleep. I woke up cold, when I went up I saw the two sleeping. That tipped me off. I told My BF in the morning that, how was he able to sleep without even wondering where I was, if I was comfortable or not. And so I blurted, maybe we should have a break because you will never be sweet and caring. I don’t think you will change and that I will ever learn to accept that he’s never gonna change. Then he said ok, let’s have a break. Then I said, I want to go home now, I don’t know what I am doing here. So we arranged the earliest flight I can get. He took me to the airport and just dropped me. No more conversations whatsoever.

    #112368
    Arlene
    Participant

    I know I was very petty. But why didn’t he stop me or talked to me. The 4hr drive from his house to the airport was all silence except for my crying. I know it was my fault. When I got back to manila I texted and I apologized and I said I regret being impatient and giving our relationship up. That I love him and if he has still a space in my hear for me, I will just be waiting patiently. And he replied—he doesn’t take anyone back, he doesn’t believe in second chances and working things out because he thinks it’s going to happen again, and that I andrew to go on dates. I am taking all the blame, I said. I hope God gives me a miracle and him a second chance.

    #112370
    Arlene
    Participant

    Space in his heart (typo)

    #112400
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear neng:

    Four hours drive in silence except for your crying is a long time. In 4 hours he didn’t speak to you. And then he didn’t respond to you afterwards except to tell you that he is not interested in a relationship with you.

    What is it about him that you like so much?

    How is your life otherwise? Do you live alone? Previous relationships?

    anita

    #112426
    Arlene
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    I like him because he has this calming effect on me. He’s very patient maybe because of his military background. He is smart, kind, a good person, he can be charming if he wants to. He is very regimented which is the opposite of me. He can be funny. He doesn’t get angry. We have very interesting conversations….That drive was one of my greatest regrets, I could have talked too. I love him. I guess I hurt his ego by leaving. He was divorced twice.

    #112427
    Arlene
    Participant

    He’s my fifth relationship, the others I’ve burned bridges with because they all cheated on me. He is the only one who is mature and is always understanding my pettiness. I live alone with a dog and 2 house help.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 32 total)

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