Dear, Anita.

Thank you for your reply.  I sent my mail as I posted before with a little change. The ending is as:

There is no jumping to a happy conclusion to reconcile our relationship and it will take time.  I understand that this isn’t easy and that you need to take time to think about us again. I’m not expecting but a little hope, if you consider reconciling our relationship, contact me.  Start with a cup of coffee and walk to the trail with the puppies.

I will end this letter with a very sincere wish for your happiness, always.

I said if you consider reconciling our relationship, contact me. = he may not want to reconcile our relationship.
If so, I understand it.

I’m writing lots of my feeling these past few days.
Good and bad with our relationship.  What I said to him and what happened.  Why did I say it to him?
Now, I’m not sure what I want to do.
From what he said to me before, I can see he did not care about my feeling nor did he even not like me.

Anyway, I was thinking that I would like to call him and talk to him face to face.
I would like to close completely our relationship.  I realized that he won’t change and not work in our relationship anymore.
He refused me before no counseling.

There are lots of my belonging at his house so, want to pick these up.
He may not answer the phone then, I will send an email and ask him to ship my belongings (which I’m sure he will be upset about.)
I have the belongings but too heavy to ship to his house.  (Truck tires x 6) plus his belongings.
This is not an excuse to see him. He can ship it to me but not drop it off.
My dog is raised with him and she has not seen him often anymore.  She became anxiety, not eat for a while.  I took them to the vet.
She is getting better so, I do not want him to show up at my house and my dog to find him.
I can leave his belongings near nearby my post (I live private road so, no one should take these).

I think my anxiety or negative feeling are attached to him and I need to let them go.
Only a few days since I sent an email to him but writing notes myself, I realized that and I accept that he doesn’t like me as much as I did.  If he said he does, then we are not a match, too different from each other.  I’ve known him a long time (used to work together) but I knew him as a co-worker and I thought I knew him but I did not know him well.

Is this make sense to you?

Thank you, Anita,

All that he said when he was upset or he thinks it was a joke, etc.
He has done lots of good things too but when I re-think about these words, I have a question myself.

I’m healthy but get sick easier than others and I have had multiple surgeries (arthritis) he told me I’m a disabled person, and always have problems.
Not have to protect ourselves when we have intercourse.  he said you are too old and I do not have to worry about your pregnancy.
I’m crazy, need to go to a mental hospital.  you waste my time, I invest my time in you but you are nothing.
You have too many stains (brown spots) on my face.
You are selfish, and overreacting.
(He stays at his female friend’s house who is single and wants to be with him. – he said we are friends. I’m overreacting.
Share a hotel room with his best friend’s wife and daughter.  One bedroom only.)
Making plans by himself or with friends but not asking me.
He was working at his house with his son and I do not have anything to do.  So I decided to go home… then he was so upset and called me selfish again.  He thinks I should clean his room during he was working outside.
His mother was a bully to me but he doesn’t support me.  He told me enough to listen to my complaint about his mother.
Everyone bully by her (including himself) and I should ignore it.  Their rule or no rules.
I’m a bad mother that’s why my son become depressed (My son is okay now)
Last… a few years ago, he cheated on me with his ex-wife!
He did not want to go to counseling with me because he have done with it. his ex-wife and did not work it out.
He did not want to buy any jewelry because he spend lots of money on his ex wife.

Too many negative words during this relationship but not always.